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[+] Hi, This is my first post and I'm not a parent, but a nanny. I am part-time and work ... 14 replies
- How is the adopted part relevant if she's been with them since a few wks old?...
Talk : : November 18, 2009
Hi, This is my first post and I'm not a parent, but a nanny. I am part-time and work with a couple who has adopted a baby girl. I've been with them since she was just a few weeks old and she's now 22 months. They are first-time parents and so far, it's been an adventure for all of us. I'm writing because lately she has been giving them a really hard time with sleeping. She screams and cries and gets herself hysterical for hours and will even throw herself around in fits when they put her down to sleep- either for a nap or at bedtime. She has never had this problem before and what's strange is that she goes down without a peep with me- both for naps and if I'm here for her bedtime. They have tried everything and are getting really frustrated so are just bringing her to bed with them, but they are not getting sleep themselves. Anyway, I just thought I'd ask if anyone has suggestions. What doesn't seem to make sense is that she is perfectly fine with me. Has anyone else experienced this difference? Thanks!
14 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.18.09, 09:37 AM [ Flag ]-
It's not really relevant to the current situation, but for background info, I guess. They are a gay couple- two men, which is also probably irrelevant, but what the hell? Now you know that too. So, did you have a suggestion or did you just want to comment on the relevancy of the information I chose to disclose?
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 10:00 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]great comeback OP.
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 10:12 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
How often are the parents with her? Do they work all the time? Sounds to me like she is more comfortable with you b/c she spends a lot of time with you. Do they have a bedtime routine that they follow every night?
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 09:46 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Yes, they do have a routine and they do spend a lot of time with her. This has come on pretty suddenly. I know that can be normal with toddlers, but it just seems weird that she is not consistent about it with me. I know I'm not doing anything special- or at least I don't think I am. I suggested I come and help put her to bed with them here for a few nights to see what happens.
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 10:06 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]this is BS - mom here, and my kids were (and are) the same way - of course they behave better for the nanny than the parents! they are kids and that's what kids do!
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 11:50 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Mom of 3 here. Kids are always better behaved for their nanny, IMHO. Now that I don't have one my kids are monsters. I am thinking about having her back to get them back in shape.
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 09:56 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]np: yes, that's exactly it. kids feel freer to act out with their parents than they do at school, or with their babysitters. parents should just keep insisting that the child go to bed at the appropriate time and let her CIO if need be. it's awful for the parents but will solve the problem quckly.
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 09:58 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Thanks. That's what I was thinking. That she does feel freer to act out and have melt downs with them. I mean, she has only ever had a handful of very minor meltdowns with me at all, but sometimes she throws a tantrum within minutes of them coming home, which shocks me. They don't seem to be doing anything particular to feed into it or reinforce the tantrums, so it's a little strange. I feel bad telling them she's so good for me! Lol!
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 10:04 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]GL--also if they don't have What to Expect the Toddler Years they should get--it explains this developmental stage pretty well as i recall.
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 10:07 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]i'll check the shelves, but i don't think they have that one. she's also going through a little bit of separation anxiety lately too (with me also.) Very clingy and shy. I'm sure it's all part of the same phase. I just wish I could give them a definite suggestion. They've tried letting her cry it out, but she gets herself so worked up, she'll vomit!
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 10:16 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
np: this is very very normal behavior. not to dis you, but kids often feel safer and more loved/acepted by parents, so they feel free to act up because its less risky. and, like all things, it will pass.
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 10:08 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]no, i totally agree. i almost felt like she was too "nervous" to act up for me in a way. i know that sounds weird and i don't mean she's afraid of me or anything like that, but just that exact phenomenon that you describe. Maybe I should be insulted she doesn't act up with me! Lol! Just kidding. :)
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 10:12 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]NP Also, From the very little I have read.. kids acto out with their parents, bc they know, adn can see it upsets them. When they tantrum with the sitter, the sitter doesn't een flinch. They don't get the same drama, or reception. This is totally normal. Mine both do this..
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 12:04 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
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[+] Non-visual diversity and only applied to 6 schools, most tt. Too few? 36 replies
- and op would either say "dc is adopted" or "I had dc with a sperm donor" or "dcs biological father sees her/doesn't see her". How does "I'm gay" come into this unless OP wants special status?...
Talk : : November 18, 2009
Non-visual diversity and only applied to 6 schools, most tt. Too few?
36 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.18.09, 09:12 AM [ Flag ]yep, if you're committed to private or you have a connection
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 09:14 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]here's the math. since acceptance rates are around 10%, you need to apply to about 10 schools. of course, depending on the kid, you could still get shut out or have multiple accepts
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 09:15 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]There's still only a 10% chance you'll get into each of those 10 schools. That's like saying that since it's 50:50 whether you'll have a boy or a girl each time, you should have two kids and you'll have one of each.
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 10:29 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]i know i know ... i was a math major in college. the events are statistically independent (actually, in applying to schools they're prob not). the point is that with such low odds generally, you need to apply to more
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 10:54 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
ERBs? Zoned for good public?
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 09:14 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]ERBs excellent. Public school would be acceptable as an option though we'd prefer private
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 09:16 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]poster from above. if that's the case, 6 should be enough
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 09:17 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]OR: agreed, 6 should be ok. Why pay for a second or third tier private if you have a decent public option?
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 09:44 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
99 or lower?
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 09:30 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]99 x 3
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 09:44 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Should be fine (unless DC is too young), no need for the diversity card
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 10:06 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]np: Yes birthday is the wild card here, even stellar ERB will not do anything if dc is deemed young.
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 10:35 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Depends. What is the diversity? Although I think 8 is always a good number.
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 09:17 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]What's non-visual diversity mean?
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 09:18 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Speaks multiple languages? One parent from another country?
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 09:34 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]That to many schools is more relevant than visible diversity.
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 09:36 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]disagree--only visual diversity counts at any of these schools.
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 09:40 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
op: single gay parent. On the outside, just a single parent (non-visual) but diversity in that we're a gay family
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 09:46 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]np: oh, well then, you're in. Don't worry about it. 6 is fine.
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 09:47 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]god, you people have no shame, do you?
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 09:48 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]excuse me? Is that supposed to be funny or something?
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 09:55 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]no, it's not. your sexual orientation entitles you to privilege in admission? i hope *that* was supposed to be funny (it certainly is "or something").
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 10:07 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I sure think it does--she represents a kind of lifestyle diversity that I want my dc to be as aware of, respectful of, and comfortable with as any other kind of diversity, visible or not. It's not that she "thinks she's entitled to privilege," it's that she is, in fact, more desirable than you and me from any decent school's perspective, and I'm happy about that. -np
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 10:32 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
i think it depends on the school as to whether this "diversity" matters at all
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 09:51 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]NP: It matters at every single school in new york.
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 10:33 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
How will a school know you're gay? Are you planning on hitting on somebody during the interview?
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 10:04 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]exactly. diversity!
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 10:06 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]The school will presumably ask about the dc's father and want to know about the family makeup with any single parent. She would have to actively hide it to have it go unnoticed.
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 10:37 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]yes, but who the single mom chooses to sleep with shouldn't really enter into it, should it?
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 11:12 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]and op would either say "dc is adopted" or "I had dc with a sperm donor" or "dcs biological father sees her/doesn't see her". How does "I'm gay" come into this unless OP wants special status?
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 11:15 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]op: I have been outright asked about the parenting situation in interviews--which, frankly, pisses me off. I'm not going to lie about it so I say that I had dc w/former parner and we split up. Then they ask if "he" is involved at all and I say that no, "she" is not.
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 11:51 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]It shouldn't piss you off: they're trying to assess the stability in the child's life - if someone is currently separating, etc. You can't hope that your gay single status will work to your advantage, then be annoyed that they want to know more about it.
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 11:57 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]YOu can't have it both ways OP, both hoping to benefit from being gay and objecting to being asked about it. Very hypocritical.
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 07:56 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
What about a little rainbow lapel pin?
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 10:41 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Depends on your kid. We had no diversity and applied to 7 (5 of which were tt) and did fine.
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 10:35 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]we got into top 2 choices (strong erb etc), but still applied to 10. Too fearful of a shutout--think of the extras as catastrophic insurance---also, I actually found it interesting seeing all of the schools--logistical nightmare for 2 working parents but we did it
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 07:58 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] Sarah Palin's son, Trig, was one of the "hot topics" on The View today. Barbara Walt... 78 replies
- or: sorry, didn't mean to call you out. i just hate that we have all adopted these terms without thinking about what they imply. it is my mission in life to reframe the terms to something more accurate that doesn't feed into the crazy christian right agenda....
Talk : : November 18, 2009
Sarah Palin's son, Trig, was one of the "hot topics" on The View today. Barbara Walters read a statistic that 90% of fetuses found to have down syndrome are terminated. Last poll I read said something like the split between pro-life/pro-choice in the US is close to 50/50, so I don't see, mathematically, how it can be that 90% of ds pregnancies are terminated.
78 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.18.09, 08:20 AM [ Flag ]I think it is probably bc many people are pro-life until they are faced with having to raise a DS child.
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 08:21 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Or that pro-choice people have a disproportionate number of DS pregnancies. Maybe it has something to do with age--women who wait to get married and have children in order to build their careers are statistically more likely to be pro-choice. Then they are older when they get pregnant so DS is more likely.
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 08:25 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]NP: Just a hunch, but I would guess what you say may be more true for NYC, where many women wait to have children... but for the country as a whole, I would guess more pro-lifers tend to have babies with down syndrome, because many don't believe in birth control and thus continue to have children into their forties. In our Catholic church there were many babies with downs-syndrome (usually the youngest in the family). I imagine that not every woman feels she can handle that at forty with many other children to care for as well (pro-life or not).
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 08:54 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
ITA. You don't really know what you believe until you are tested.
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 08:26 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I don't agree entirely. I opted at 40 not to have a cvs or amnio because I knew that whatever I learned wouldn't change anything, I was going to have that baby anyway. Some of us know what we believe on this subject without being tested.
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 08:32 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]And others think they do until they're faced with a frightening reality.
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 08:34 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Yes, but as someone pointed out below if you know you won't terminate there's no point in getting the testing done. By opting out of the tests I was making a descision to have my child regardless of the number of chromosones he had.
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 08:39 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Not true. There is a point to getting testing, even if you will not terminate under any circumstances. If you do have a DB that will have a problem, then you have the time/ability to prepare for what's coming. Arranging for necessary specialists, arranging leaves/benefits, preparing older DCs, etc.
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 10:29 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]And those are the 10% who found out dc had Down's and didn't abort. For many of us, the risk of the procedure causing harm outweigh any benefit of lining up specialists.
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 10:30 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]The risk of the procedure varies by doctor. If you don't trust your doctor to properly perform an amnio, find a new doctor.
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 10:34 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Why is it not OK in your book for someone to elect to not have the procedure? You are being very anti-choice.
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 10:39 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
yup. I think this is the ans. dead on.
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 08:38 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]It's "anti-abortion," not "pro-life." Let's stop playing into the hands of the Christian Right by using their terminology. I am pro-choice. I am not anti-life.
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 08:40 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]OP here - I used old-school terms, sorry. The Christian Right also refer to pro-choice as "pro-abortion," didn't want to offend anyone, just to get some speculation on the numbers.
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 08:45 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]or: sorry, didn't mean to call you out. i just hate that we have all adopted these terms without thinking about what they imply. it is my mission in life to reframe the terms to something more accurate that doesn't feed into the crazy christian right agenda.
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 08:48 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
your semantics make no sense. You are "pro-choice", not "anti-life" but those who are "pro-life" are "anti-abortion", you sound like an idiot... be consistent.
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 03:41 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I read an article about pro-life women who have abortions. It happens
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 08:22 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]well, you don't know howthat 50/50 split is skewed by gender or age. and yes, people who say they are pro-life have abortions.
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 08:24 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]The great irony is that the traditional "red" states have (1) higher divorce rates, (2) higher # of abortions and (3) higher % of poverty... People don't do what they "believe"--they are better at telling other people what to do...
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 08:24 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]do you think those red states have no blue in them? that doesn't really make any statistical sense--
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 08:28 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]residents of red states, on average, tend to be less eductaed, poorer, less white- this contributes to higher rates of all that you suggest above. The education levels and incerased poverty have way more to do with it than the political convictions-
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 08:44 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]i thought poor are more likely to have baby, whereas wealthy are more likely to have abortion?
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 08:49 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]actually, lots of poor women have multiple abortions- lack of access to health care and bad choices lead to lack of birth control, so they use abortion as a form of birth control- also teenagers pregnant more in poorer areas (and places where sex education is weak- hello red states!) and they get abortions-
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 08:59 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
what a tragically black and white way to look at the world. do you teach your child that the people in "red states" are ignorant, right wingers? how sad.
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 10:50 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]red states have higher teen pregnancy rates as well. read "red sex, blue sex," in the new yorker, from a year ago.
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 12:47 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I wonder what the ages of the moms who terminate are vs those who don't. IME its easier to be pro-life, or see any issue in black and while with no shades of grey, when you're young. As we get older, wiser, and have more life experiences to draw from most issues enter the grey area.
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 08:25 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I never claimed to know what others could/should do but I always said I would never opt for termination of my child. Then quad screen said 1:4 for Trisomy 18/21 and I did research on what T18/21 is. And I thought about the two kids we already had. And the world got very very gray.
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 08:29 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Wow. This is really interesting. I had a baby not long ago and wondered what I'd have done in that situation. And?
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 08:37 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Sorry, I should not have dropped it there -- I got pulled away. When they hooked up the ultrasound to do the amnio there was no heart beat. Decision averted. Fate's kindness has never hurt so much.
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 08:45 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]OR: Jesus. I am so sorry. But you're right: the Fates had something else planned maybe.
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 08:47 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Thanks. I'm at peace with it for the most part but when his/her due date passes it is tough.
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 09:12 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
because a) many people who are pro-life don't have an amnio b/c they know they wouldn't abort no matter what the test shows and b) some people consider themselves pro-life but still make exceptions so in a poll they would answer that they are pro-choice, but what they really mean is that abortion isn't a form of birth control.
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 08:33 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]The pro-lifers I know believe that amnio is unnecessary and dangerous.
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 08:43 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]for them it is....
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 08:46 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Yes, I think I have heard that some pro-lifers will not have an amnio because they feel it implies that they MIGHT abort.
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 09:34 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I am prolife and I choose not to have an amnio. Not because of what it might imply to anyone. I choose not to because of the potential risk of amnio. I know many prolife people and having an amnio or not is just a matter of what they feel comfortable with. Some people just need to know. Just like some people just need to know the sex of the baby.
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 06:30 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I agree with poster who says pro-lifers probabyl don't ahev an amnio, I'd be curious to really know if the stat is 90% of DS pregnancies, or 90% of pregnancies where the mother tests and finds out the baby has DS- we're talking very different populations here!
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 08:42 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I'm pro life and did not have an amino. I did not want to be in the position of having to make an decision. It all worked out and my children are healthy. BTW, most people thought I was crazy for not having test before babies born.
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 08:44 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I choose not to have any tests and no one except my dr. has ever asked me anything at all about it. Do people really get into other peoples personal decisions like that?
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 06:32 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Palin's behavior after she went into labor with Trig was so completely bizarre and showed such indifference to the health and well-being of her child that I can't help wondering whether she did not want him to live.
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 08:48 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]please elaborate!
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 08:49 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]ITA. She was leaking fluid and decided to go give a speech!
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 08:50 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Not only give a speech--fly home from Texas to Alaska!! http://andrewsullivan.theatlantic.com/the_daily_dish/2008/10/palins-medica-2.html
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 09:01 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]That's a crazy article - I can't believe she had the amnio to supposedly prepare herself for any diagnosis, but then didn't tell her children.
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 09:53 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Andrew Sullivan, the daily dish, is a kook. He is not a responsible journalist, but a conspiracy theorist who does not report facts.
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 03:45 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Really? I'm not a huge fan of him personally, but don't consider him remotely kooky or inventive re facts. And the Atlantic is pretty tough re that kind of thing. What supposed non-facts do you have a quibble with here? Most people on UB would tell you that most airlines won't even let you fly after 8 mos. and it's true that she was leaking amniotic fluid. If that were you, would YOU get on a long flight? No way, unless you felt indifferent or worse towards your baby's health and survival.
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 04:18 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]How do you know for fact that she was leaking amniotic fluid? SHe gave birth in a HOSPITAL, and there were no complications. Not on the plane, not on the road, not on the bus, but in a hospital room.
[ Reply | Options ]11.20.09, 03:44 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]http://www.ktuu.com/global/story.asp?s=8194634
[ Reply | Options ]11.20.09, 12:20 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
i have thought something similar. not necessarily that she didn't want him to live, but that she was really ambivalent, at best, about the whole thing.
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 08:52 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Which I have a certain level of sympathy for, frankly, but it seems so hypocritical and creepy.
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 09:25 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]you and me both.
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 09:27 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Yes, that whole thing was weird as hell. I never believed the "Bristol is Trig's real mother" rumor but Palin's behavior surrounding this birth was just crazy. I never thought of that as an explanation but actually I can sort of believe that she was losing her mind a little bit and feeling very, "Let God decide what he wants to happen," about it.
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 09:38 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]you people are very creepy.
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 03:46 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]We're not the ones who got on a 8-hour plane flight while in labor. Now that's creepy.
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 04:25 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]you know she was in labor? You do know she gave birth in a hospital.....
[ Reply | Options ]11.20.09, 03:45 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Her water was broken! This was her fifth pregnancy, you can't tell me she didn't know that was a sign of labor.
[ Reply | Options ]11.20.09, 07:01 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Are you quoting Plain who said her water broke or are you getting the info from the dubious Andrew Sullivan of the "daily dish"... this is beyond creepy.
[ Reply | Options ]11.20.09, 11:53 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]According to the New York Times, Palin herself has said that her water was broken when she got on the plane.
[ Reply | Options ]11.20.09, 12:01 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]And why do you keep calling this "creepy", anyway?
[ Reply | Options ]11.20.09, 12:02 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Just in case you missed it, no it was not just Andrew Sullivan.
[ Reply | Options ]11.20.09, 12:23 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]meant to add this http://www.ktuu.com/global/story.asp?s=8194634
[ Reply | Options ]11.20.09, 12:24 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
These studies are flawed in that people who pursue prenatal diagnosis in general are more likely to terminate an affected pregnancy. I am a genetic counselor and work in a population where I would say 80% of patients decided against amniocentesis/CVs, so we have no idea what they would do if they found out a pregnancy was affected. Prenatal diagnosis of Down syndrome by maternal blood sampling is coming. When the risk from the procedure is taken out, and more people have testing, we may get a better idea of what the true statistic is.
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 08:52 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I'm Catholic, would not have terminated a pregnancy and had an amnio. I grew up with a cousin who had Down's, and knew that if there was something wrong with my DB, I'd want to know, so that I could be prepared to manage the situation - line up the right specialists in advance, prepare other family members, arrange DH and my leave/benefits, etc. Just having an amnio doesn't automatically mean anything.
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 09:10 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]abortion is one of those issues where how we feel is not how we act when reality hits us in the face. Lots of anti-choice folks will abort when it's their lives that are about to get turned upsidedown with an unwanted pregnancy.
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 10:38 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]For some maybe but not for most. If you really believe something, you don't just stop believing it because circumstances change.
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 06:35 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]No, you keep opposing abortion -- while having one when it's your own pregnancy you want to end. Amazing how many anti-choice types lack the courage of their convictions when they (or someone in their family) gets pregnant.
[ Reply | Options ]11.20.09, 06:58 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
we tried 8 years to have my daughter and were told during one of her screenings she had markers for downs. i'm pro-choice, but refused a amnio and refused to abort. i never thought about raising a special needs child, but i knew that she was a miracle and couldn't wait for her arrival regardless. anyway, all went well despite concerns and we delivered a perfectly, beautiful, brilliant and happy baby. so you never know.
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 10:49 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I am pro-choice but I knew I would never terminate a Downs baby. I did the nuchal fold testing (both for my twins and my singleton) to get some idea of the risks. When it was normal, I opted not to do CVS or amnio. If the nuchal fold had shown a high risk, I likely would have done more testing just to do as an earlier poster suggested - line up specialists, read up on the challenges etc. etc.
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 12:36 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
bc many people don't think beyond elective abortions in the event of unwanted pregnancies - so they say they are "anti abortion" or "prolife". those same people can feel very differently when faced with the possibility of a db w DS or other serious medical/physical/congenital issues.
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 12:44 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]many people think that being "pro-life" means that they personally would never get an abortion and that being "pro-choice" means that they would. they don't get that it's a political viewpoint: being prolife means that you think that NO WOMAN should be allowed to get an abortion and being prochoice means you think that the choice to terminate or continue a pregnancy should be in the hands of the woman. It's kind of like being anti-poverty does not mean only that you personally don't want to be poor...
[ Reply | Options ]11.18.09, 12:52 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]you are wrong... I am pro-choice for others, pro-life for myself. Quite frankly, if women want to abort their children there is nothing I could do to stop them. Therefore, I believe women should be able to abort their babies, I just would never abort my own.
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 03:48 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]walk a mile in someone else's shoes...
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 05:58 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]she said she is pro-choice for others so that cliche proverb is out of place
[ Reply | Options ]11.19.09, 09:20 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Prochoice for others to abort their babies. I am prolife for my own children.
[ Reply | Options ]11.20.09, 03:47 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
or: that is EXACTLY what I am saying. pro-choice is a political stance meaning that you believe women should ahve the right to choose to terminate OR to keep a pregnancy. Pro-life means that you believe that women should NOT have that right - that the government should make it illegal to terminate a pregnancy. Neither has anything to do with what decision you would make about your own pregnancy.
[ Reply | Options ]11.20.09, 12:47 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I am absolute about this. f there is any chance that baby would be DS or even be slightly mentally retarded, or have any birth defects, I would abort it. No way jose.
[ Reply | Options ]11.20.09, 06:14 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Thank you for letting us know what kind of children you would let live , and the others that you would abort. Again, your decision as a mother.
[ Reply | Options ]11.20.09, 11:54 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]any sort of birth defect? what if it is something like missing a toe? or a cleft lip? would you really abort for any type of birth defect? they are so common and most kids do fine!
[ Reply | Options ]11.20.09, 12:14 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] ANY SUGGESTIONS IN WESTCHESTER County were it would be appropriate to take my 5 year ... 18 replies
- .but good intention. Perhaps there is a local shelter that has a thanksgiving party where she could help out. Also, lots of pictures/stories online about kids waiting for adoption, maybe read them together, then take package of toys to drop off at local home....
Talk : : November 16, 2009
ANY SUGGESTIONS IN WESTCHESTER County were it would be appropriate to take my 5 year old to show her some kids who need toys and give some of hers to these needy children. NOT A HOSPITAL, though
18 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.16.09, 05:23 PM [ Flag ]am sure you don't mean this this way but it sounds like you want to take dc to the Poor People Zoo or something. i don't think Those Less Fortunate appreciate being made an example of.
[ Reply | Options ]11.16.09, 05:27 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]op: Can any good deed go unpunished? NO, In our family we are big on charity. She is 5. It is not concrete until she sees it done. We grew up poor and always gave to less fortunate. luckily now We have a bit more to give and want her to learn early how important and wonderful it is. Yes I am being charitable andselfish at the same time. Are YOU saying poor people equate to animals in a zoo? Or do you pretend they don't exist because you don't actually acknowledge them on your own streets every day. Pretty disgusting.
[ Reply | Options ]11.16.09, 05:32 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I am thinking of a NYT Magazine Lives column I remember from a few years ago, in which the writer talked about being poor as a child and having some wealthy father bring his kid in to show him how Those Less Fortunate lived. It humiliated the writer, who knew, even as a child, that he was being used as Exhibit A for this wealthy kid. I have never forgotten that column. I tried to google it for you but couldn't find the link.
[ Reply | Options ]11.16.09, 05:36 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I responded below -- ITA with this.
[ Reply | Options ]11.16.09, 05:38 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]thank you (or)
[ Reply | Options ]11.16.09, 05:42 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
She must be pretty stubborn if buying toys for needy kids and putting them in donation boxes isn't "concrete" enough for her. Don't see why an actual poor kid is a requirement.
[ Reply | Options ]11.16.09, 05:46 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
op: oh and by the way, thanks for your help without the judgemental waste of time opinion. Your answer hasn't helped anyone
[ Reply | Options ]11.16.09, 05:33 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]^^see above.
[ Reply | Options ]11.16.09, 05:37 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]np: the OR was just pointing out that your post sounded a bit off. Lots of us give to charity and teach our kids about it, but that doesn't mean we need to "show" our dcs some "poor kids" so they can give toys to them. You can explain that some kids' parents don't have money to buy them toys -- she doesn't have to see an actual poor kid to understand this and it's pretty demeaning to think a poor kid wants to be "shown" to a rich kid as an object lesson. Have some compassion!
[ Reply | Options ]11.16.09, 05:37 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]ITA.
[ Reply | Options ]11.16.09, 06:05 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
OR is correct though. Most homeless shelters or soup kitchens do not encourage visitors. Our local one has an Xmas List they give out to people to enable them to buy for families who are looking for Xmas gifts for themselves and for their kids, and all the names are changed to conceal their identities.
[ Reply | Options ]11.16.09, 05:39 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]NP: this is what we do. every year at the holidays we sponsor a family and try to have the organization assign us a family with children near ages of dd and ds. They get the experience of choosing things they think the needy children would like. We wrap the presents together at home and take them to the organization. When DCs were younger, we would also make a point to talk about the family on Christmas while we had our celebration ("I wonder if so-and-so likes her new toy..."). This way DCs do learn and have something concrete to reflect on and experience, but it does not embarrass a less fortunate family. It also gives those parents the opportunity to give the donated presents to their own children instead of it seeming like a handout.
[ Reply | Options ]11.16.09, 06:03 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Weird wording....but good intention. Perhaps there is a local shelter that has a thanksgiving party where she could help out. Also, lots of pictures/stories online about kids waiting for adoption, maybe read them together, then take package of toys to drop off at local home.
[ Reply | Options ]11.16.09, 05:35 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]np Shelters are OVERRUN with volunteers on holidays. Also, doubt many would be keen on a 5 yo being dragged in to see poor kids.
[ Reply | Options ]11.16.09, 05:43 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I was being kind. I assume the latter would be the more obvious option...
[ Reply | Options ]11.16.09, 05:44 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
You want your dd to give her used toys to poor kids?
[ Reply | Options ]11.16.09, 05:47 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]It sounds like it, but I hope not. We got brought a basket of toys and food for Xmas one year from local church, and it was the only new toys dc got that year. It meant a lot, although it was embarrassing to receive it..
[ Reply | Options ]11.16.09, 05:50 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Look into programs where you can volunteer to read to kids in failing schools - often those kids have no books or certainly no new ones. They are also not overrun with volunteers. Maybe you can get in touch with the librarian there and find out about collecting books for them.
[ Reply | Options ]11.16.09, 05:53 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] I am becoming just a touch sad that my 4 and 3 yr olds are not babies anymore. I am ... 6 replies
- adopt a needy kid!...
Talk : : November 16, 2009
I am becoming just a touch sad that my 4 and 3 yr olds are not babies anymore. I am 39. Not a reason to have another, right?
6 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.16.09, 02:01 PM [ Flag ]Isn't that what Cabbage Patch Dolls are for?
[ Reply | Options ]11.16.09, 02:05 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Why not?
[ Reply | Options ]11.16.09, 03:14 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I'm 43 w/a 3 yr old -- yeah, I have pangs every now and then about not having DC #2 (like every time I am in a store with baby clothes, toys, etc), but they pass...
[ Reply | Options ]11.16.09, 06:10 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]definitely have another. you are a great mom. I have a 6 and 3 yr old, and trying for #3. Love having a BABY around.
[ Reply | Options ]11.16.09, 06:13 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I had # 3 at 41. (37,39,then 41). I am glad I did it b/c now I am 46 and feel too old for another. #3 was a surprise in that I was already preg when we were planning to start trying again.
[ Reply | Options ]11.16.09, 06:23 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]adopt a needy kid!
[ Reply | Options ]11.16.09, 07:03 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] Do most coops in UES/UWS require 2 years reserve in your bank after downpayment? 79 replies
- But they are not allowed to reject an applicant for their race and ethnicity. Our RE broker told us that the coops adopted 2 yr reserve rule to go around that discrimination rule....
Talk : : November 13, 2009
Do most coops in UES/UWS require 2 years reserve in your bank after downpayment?
79 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.13.09, 11:27 AM [ Flag ]ours does (murray hill). 2 year reserve of mort + mait min.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 11:28 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]So depressing. Was looking at $800k coop and we have 25% downpayment so we can get enough mortgage to buy it. But the 2 yr reserve means we need extra $100k in the bank after downpayment. Who has that kind of money just sitting around in the bank?
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 11:30 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]NP: in same boat here, it seems enough people do have it, only not us.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 11:35 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]do you have a guarantor available?
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 11:37 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Like a parent with liquid assets? Oh, I don't want to go down that road, personally. Does anyone know about the use of a bridge loan? Our bank offers it to members of DH's firm and it seems like this might be one loophole for liquidity. Does one have to have the reserve in escrow or just liquid? Can you just liquidate some assets and then turn them back?
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 11:40 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]we check to see how long the cash has been there - at least 3-6 months of bank statements to confirm. we don't require it in escrow unless we think buyer is a little shaky. liquid
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 11:42 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]3-6 months before you go into contract? Or before closing? If I got cash in the bank 3 months before we go into contract, I need to keep it until closing? Or beyond closing? tia.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 11:43 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]they can't make you keep anything post closing. it all needs to be there at closing and most will check to make sure it has been there a while (to pre-empt "parking" short term cash).
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 11:45 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
This is very informative. What is the policy on guarantors? What if the apartment was very expensive, say 2mil, but was owned by a very old person or who is trouble or something does a board every look differently at applicants for such apartments?
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 11:45 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]boards are always motivated by various factors. the main factor is making sure the mait gets paid and the owners are pretty quiet. wanting to get rid of a current owner could have SOME bearing but usually not in the face of a bad economic decision for the building.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 11:48 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Here is a for example: I want to buy a co-op in a "good" UWS building that is listed for 2.3 mil. The DP is 25% we have that. The 2 years of mortgage and maint. will be over 200K, once we pay the DP we have nothing but our 401Ks. My parents could be guarantors, but I don't want to do that. Also, the apartment needs to be fully upgraded for power and could use a new kitchen and bathrooms. The board will know we want to do the upgrades and that will cost at least 100K which we put on credit or get a construction loan. How does this sound? DH is in a stable job, highly valued but, makes more each year. I am not working, but could.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 11:54 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I have personally rejected applicants who only had their 401Ks left after closing. sorry - that is a big stretch - especially since you don't work. even if you started, there would be no recent income history. if you want it, you have to build a pretty strong case with guarantors, a job for you etc. It sounds like a huge stretch for you all (esp with a gut reno). You should pass and find something more in your range. sorry to be debbie downer.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 11:56 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]OP: that is one big mortgage. I could see why the board would decline such a buyer.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 11:59 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]No, I really appreciate your candor. I think it would be a huge stretch too, and even though month to month it would not be an problem, I am sure the board would not think we could do it. Can I ask, based on that profile, if we had 200-300K left after closing, would that be a likely yes? Everything else would be in order, great references, quiet family, perhaps I will be working for a while again before we actually go co-op (we own a condo now). Any thoughts?
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 12:00 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]other OR: actually, the mortgage is relatively small for NY, in fact, our current mortgage is over 1 mil, but it is a condo so we could get away with a lower DP and no reserves. We make it every month with a 11K payment, no problem what-so-ever.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 12:02 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]np, but if applicant put in a clause in their contract that their 401k would be available if they fell behind in their payments, then in this economic climate, wouldn't that be enough?
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 12:03 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I would feel a little better seeing some cash there but would have to see your burn rate and monthly income to get a better sense.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 12:03 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]no - it sounds paternalistic, but that 401k is retirement money. the potential buyers would suffer a huge penalty for touching it and then have nothing.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 12:04 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]she is trying to get board approval - not saying they can't afford it month to month.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 12:05 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
guarantors - we have younger/not employed long buyers have a guarantor for at least first 2 years. then we review.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 11:49 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
60K for mort + 40K for mait. appx?
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 11:38 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]$30k maint and $70k for mortgage appx.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 11:40 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Some poeple have their parents (if they have this kind of $ temporarily park $100K or $200K in their bank accounts for this purpose.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 11:41 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]in the past, too many people, unfortunately, which is why we could never afford to buy. Depending how desparate your seller is, some coop boards will let the seller put an amount in escrow which is returned after 1 or 2 years of buyer making timely payments - friend got this.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 11:45 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
some do. some require the value of the coop in the bank after downpayment.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 11:28 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]OMG. Value of the coop???
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 11:30 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]yes, our required at least that.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 11:35 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]yes, it weeds out the people who might not potentially be as financially strong.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 06:23 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
some require 1/3 purchase price in bank afer downpayment
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 11:30 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]holy crap. How about condos? Do they have any reserve requirement?
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 11:33 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]nope.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 11:34 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Is that to keep out the riffraff? Minorities out?
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 11:33 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]no. its to make sure they dont go into foreclosure. monthlies go towards underlying mortgage of the building.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 11:35 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]It seems too severe. If an owner did not pay maintenance ($1000'ish), it takes 6 months to evict and coop can collect lawyer fee plus $6k very easily. I don't think it needs 2 yr reserve.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 11:40 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]np: the co-op needs what it thinks it needs.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 11:43 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]It takes a lot longer than 6 months to evict, even for non-payment of maintenance. You need 6 months of non-payment before you can even start eviction proceedings, which will take another 6 - 8 months, and the Co-op is getting nothing that entire time. Boards set the reserve requirements and will sometimes require that the reserves be held in escrow so that they don't have to deal with non-payment of maintenance and eviction proceedings. And now it's the condos that didn't have financial review before purchases that are in trouble because owners are in default on their common charges and the co-ops, that did their homework, are paying all their bills (including their property taxes, underlying mortgages, staff salaries, heating oil, insurance, etc.).
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 03:05 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]My coop starts eviction process if we miss one month. 6 months is def'ly doable.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 06:23 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
monthlies go to expenses of the building which includes the underlying mortgage.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 11:54 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
np: a co-op can reject an applicant for ANY reason, including not liking their mug. It is how this system works, very unfortunate.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 11:38 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]But they are not allowed to reject an applicant for their race and ethnicity. Our RE broker told us that the coops adopted 2 yr reserve rule to go around that discrimination rule.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 11:42 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]np: your RE broker should have his/her license revoked.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 11:44 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]they can, there is no protection for privately held corporations. There would be no case. I am not saying it is right, just that is the fact.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 11:47 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I don't think so. I think there is federal law against discriminating against minorities in buying homes.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 11:53 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Not in co-ops. Those rules only apply to certain types of housing. Sorry, it really is horrible, don't get me wrong, but it is true.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 12:03 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Woah. I did not know that. I didn't know in this day and age, coops can discriminate based on race.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 12:13 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Wrong - an East Side co-op got slammed a few years ago for rejecting an African-American couple - he was a senior associate at a major law firm and they took the case pro bono. It was the right decision - co-ops can reject for good cause or no cause, but not for bad cause. Some are now rejecting pre-interview, just based on review of financials.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 03:12 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
there are plenty of white people who don't have that kind of liquidity. coops put in the 2yr reserve rule to keep out anyone who doesn't have their income level. as a result, many buildings are literally filled only with finance people (hedge funders, ibers, etc.)
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 11:47 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I think that must have been pretty scary for many coops when the market collapsed, maybe they will be more willing to look at long term success than short term holdings inthe future.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 11:49 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]we started frowning on finance or finance support back in 2003. diversity of careers is important.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 11:52 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]say the buyer is a lawyer in a growing segment of the law, most profitable area of a well established "white shoe" firm with international profits that are not swayed by the US markets? Does that help?
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 11:57 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]if it was environmental law or bankruptcy - would be fine. Lawyers are usually ok - depends how long at firm and area of practice. BTW - EVERYTHING is swayed by the US markets. there is no un-correlated asset. the credit crunch should have taught us all that.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 12:01 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]OR: Of course, I just meant that the 100 year old firm is well established overseas and has had record profits because of it, whereas many US only firms have had major loses and layoffs because of the US markets. Also, there are many areas of the law that are not seeing downturns, especially bankruptcy and litigation which are also intertwined.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 12:06 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]nnp; most coops are NOT going to care nor will research. There were many articles in NYT about how 150yr+ venerable law firms (white shoe, etc) went out of biz or had to lay off many, many lawyers, including many partners.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 12:12 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
np; I don't think coop boards are in the habit of researching industries and specific firms. How would they verify your claims?
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 12:02 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]A letter from the employer is usually required, no?
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 12:04 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]letter from employer is usually just that you are employed and for how long - not that you work in an area with secure profits. (sullivan, davis etc would never write that anyway).
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 12:06 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]How do you know that? What if the applicant is a partner, that makes a difference because the profits are directly linked to the applicant's yearly income. Oh, how much does ownership in a partnership count toward assets? Does that ever come up?
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 12:09 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]i am just saying that a letter of employment would not usually disclose that sort of information about an employee - even a partner due to the risk that the co-op would come after the firm when the partner disappears with trust assets and stops paying mait.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 12:12 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]you are not a partner at a firm, obviously. i am the wife og.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 12:15 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]^^^wife of one and they have a safegaurd set up so that i cannot lay claim to the partner share. new york is a communal property state, but i can't touch it with a ten foot pole. that is the benefit of a limited liabilty partnership.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 12:17 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]wife is right. the l in llp stands for something.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 12:18 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
White riffraff/new money/self-made people w/o $$$ relatives who don't mind parking their money in your bank for 6 months.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 11:52 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
i guess you equate riffraff/poor with minorities. Do you really not know any well-to-do people of color? either way, the coop system has the advantage of lower purchase price, but then higher liquidity required, as well as many rules regarding your use of the property (renting it out). Condos have a generally ahigher purchase price, but no liquidity requirement, or board approval required.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 11:44 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I'm a minority and there are many $$$ minorities, yes. But disproportionately low % of $$$ people. I'm telling you what my Corcoran broker told me.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 11:47 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]NP: i only know well to do people of color. I am sure the other poster doesn't.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 11:47 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Do people have reading comp problem? riffraff and minorities in different sentences. AND.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 11:50 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]it doesn't change the fact that you equate people who can't afford two years mortg/main with minorities, does it?
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 11:55 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Look, this is NOT an equitable society yet. Minorities ARE in fact disportionately poor and disportionately low % of wealthy people are minorities. This is a fact.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 12:01 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]you are not allowed to say this in la la UB land.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 12:03 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Don't I know it. :) UB land where everyone's equal and everyone makes $1MM+ and every kid gets 99ERB/SB/Olsat.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 12:07 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Not ones looking to enter the Manhattan Co-op world. Sorry sista.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 12:07 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]LOL, look, minorities or whites alike who are new to this coop world of NYC are not all savvy about these things. Until today, I thought our $250k cash would be enough for downpayment to buy us a coop. Now I know, I can't enter that world.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 12:10 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
no. Haven't you read that because coops are selective financially, that NYC Coops have much lower rates of foreclosure compared to rest of the US?
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 06:26 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Every coop has different rules. Ours requires a positive net worth at closing. Which means that everything you have has to be at least $1 more than your mortgage (that includes retirement, etc.) I think though, that many will accept things like putting a year or 2 of maintenance in escrow. If they are asking for you to have savings/liquidity equal to 2 years M&M, that usually doesn't mean it needs to be cash in a savings account - it could be investments (but not in retirment accounts). They just don;t want people who ONLY have the downpayment. Lots of people have family members temporarily give them some money to jack up their savings - but it's important to do it at least 3 if not 6 months before you go into contract. That way, by your board interview, if they ask for older statements, the money was already there.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 03:21 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]We moved from CA and thought that sort of requirement was insane. Plenty of nice buildings do not require that. You want people to have excellent credit, references, and not be axe murderers. If someone has paid their bills on time for years, that's the best indication of who will continue to pay their bills. Trying to predict how stable someone's job is is ludicrous.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 03:22 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Look at a coop as a private club. The Board gets to decide who can join the club, and they err on the side of protecting the existing members of the club against the expense and hassle of having a member who can't buy or must sell. This gives the club great stability (which is nothing to sneeze at), but it discurages would-be members (and thereby drives down prices), and it makes it hard for marginal folks (who don't think of themselves as marginal) to get in.
[ Reply | Options ]11.13.09, 04:04 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Don't get me wrong - most people not on their apt boards, like me, hate them precisely because they tend to make autonomous decisions - some which cost the buildings extra money and some that are just unpopular. And just about everyone questions the interview/asset review process, but in the end, its to protect the "financial integrity" of the building. If one apt forecloses then everyone else's apt value suffers. One way to alleviate that is to ensure that buyers are liquid. Can't address the race/religion issue, but I konw our bldg has had non-stop assessments that have unexpectedly increased maitenance a lot each month. There are plenty of condos to buy that don't have these requirements.
[ Reply | Options ]11.14.09, 05:04 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Most people not serving on their co-o boards, like me, do not like them, like me: they tend to make autonomous decisions which are unpopular or cost bldg $, which can unexpectedly increase monthly maintenance. Can't speak to blatant race/religious discrimination and interview/asset review is obviously subjective, but the reason is seems to be to retain the "financial integrity" of the building. If an apt forecloses it negatively effects the value of EVERY other apt in that bldg, much the same way a house in foreclosure effects the value of all the other houses on that block. By the way, lots of UES coops deny celebs for fear of their presence negatively effecting the quality of life in the bldg. That's why so many live on the West side.
[ Reply | Options ]11.14.09, 05:35 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]^^ SO sorry to post twice, UB didn't show it. Not that passionate about this, truly,
[ Reply | Options ]11.14.09, 05:35 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] How much debt do you have and what is your HHI? I'm freaking out over my personal deb... 114 replies
- Adopt me. I'm cute !...
Talk : : November 11, 2009
How much debt do you have and what is your HHI? I'm freaking out over my personal debt!!!
114 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.11.09, 05:06 PM [ Flag ]$350k, 425k mortgage, 20k student loan
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 05:08 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]no credit card debt?
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 05:09 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Nope never
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 05:11 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]good for you!
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 05:12 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
i'm one of those people who never had debt and was patting myself on the back for years about how responsible i was. then reality hit and i realized that a lot of it was luck.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 05:09 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]$350k. no debt. no mortgage.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 05:11 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]swell! i wish i was in that boat!
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 05:53 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]here here!
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 06:02 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]^^^or is it: "hear hear" ?
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 06:02 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Yeah, it's "hear hear."
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 08:45 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]yep, i thought so.
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 08:23 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
$165,000 mortgage, $8,000 medical. No credit debt.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 05:12 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]^$100K income
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 05:13 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
210. No CC debt.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 05:13 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I guess non of the UBers are amongst the cc debt crowd, eh?
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 05:14 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I used to be.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 05:16 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Debt less than $1,500 probably will pay it off in the next month. HHI is $125K. no loans, no mortgage.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 05:15 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]$100K, $65K mortgage, no other debt
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 05:15 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]$700k mortgage, no other debt
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 05:15 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]oh, $900K income
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 05:16 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]may i ask what you do for a living? just curious.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 05:18 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]finance
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 05:27 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Adopt me. I'm cute !
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 06:15 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I'm cuter!
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 06:18 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
1.1M, 1.9M mortgage, no other debt
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 05:18 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]yikes...
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 08:09 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Used to be $0. But I found out that dh ran up $70k+ in cc debt.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 05:33 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]oh god! how did that happen?
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 05:46 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Oh bananas !
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 06:16 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
$330k. $120k undergrad and law school loans.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 05:34 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]^^Forgot to mention $6k in CC debt
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 05:40 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
950k last year. Two mortgages, total of 1mm.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 05:39 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]$200IK, $290 left on mortgage, no other debt - cc paid every month and student loans paid off. We're lucky.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 05:49 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]$250k mortgage
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 05:49 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]forgot to add $100k+ income
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 05:51 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
OP here: $24K. 3,000 in credit card, $1,200 in medical bills. I'm engaged and will be married and HHI will rise considerably, but I can't sleeo. I feel so awful about myself.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 05:57 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]^^^sleep
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 06:01 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]you have 24K in debt? or 4K in debt?
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 06:05 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]make 24 a year. 4 in debt. freakin sad.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 06:07 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]4k is really not that bad even on 24k a year. if you could save $500 per month for the next 8, you'll have it paid off. try to find a card with 0% interest rate.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 06:09 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]yeah, i know. car payment, plus private insurance (Aetna can kiss my a%$) and cigarettes (aargh! quit now!) really leaves me nothing to save. I'm trying though. Its hard!
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 06:13 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]np--Do you live in New York? Why do you have a car?
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 07:10 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]actually, i lived in NYC for years and that is what caused credit card debt. i now live in a bit cheaper city (but not much cheaper) and need transportation. I freelance so I have at least 5 jobs at once,
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 07:13 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
^^^^but i love my job! performing artist..soon will be going to school for occupational therapy.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 06:18 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
$400k hhi, $250k student loans, $25K credit card.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 06:05 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]can you pay off the cc debt if you really tried (not saying you are not trying if you are)? or are the other factors at play>
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 06:08 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]We could, but the interest rate on the CC is lower than some of the student loans, so we haven't bothered, we just pay the minimums (and don't use these cards at all). We did prepay our high interest student loans (can't now b/c DH started a new business, so we're cash-flow poor, but it was a good time for him to do this & I make more $$ anyway)
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 06:15 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]makes sense.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 06:19 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
$240k HHI, $295k mortgage, no other debt
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 06:58 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]11K in student loans, and that is it! Woo hoo!
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 07:03 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]thats no big deal considering others who have 50+. I hope you are grateful and pray that others come into the same luck as you.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 07:09 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]^^^that was meant for no debt woman in ragged running pants, etc...
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 07:11 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]NP - doesn't it depend on HHI? I have friends who have similar amounts of loans but make $25K - hard to pay back, no matter how small the loans...
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 07:15 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]it does depend- i just hope we all have it in our hearts to pray for people who are suffering worse.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 07:22 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]when i got out of law school i took a government job where i made 27k and had 11k in loans. repaid them over 10 years. i never missed the money, for i never saw it until the loan was paid off.
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 06:21 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
NP: Luck? How about personal fiscal responsibility?
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 06:20 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
no mortgage, no school loans anymore, no credit card debt, no debt whatsoever. but then, i'm walking around in my yucky old running shoes and pants that don't really fit cuz my postpreg clothes and shoes have bit the dust and haven't paid any babysitters so i can go out and shop.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 07:08 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]pay cash for everything? is that your doing or inheritance?
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 07:10 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]OP again: problem is that I have a trust that is worth liquid 80K. My italian father(you know the old school ones) won't let me touch it to pay off debt (I pretend it doesn't exist). On top of that, I have a big inheritace that will come so day, also, I pretend it doesn't exist. My credit score isn't very good and I'm scared to let this debt go on forever and pay a crazy amount in interest fees. I don't know what to do!
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 07:20 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]my doing, and dh's small inheritance. but we paid like 125K for our apt before the boom, bought another in the same bldg for 90K later on, also before the boom (a workspace for dh). timing, methodic shaving of school debt, and also living very cheaply (i ate ramen noodles for almost a year while working abroad). i'm also the same size i was in high school so, well, i almost never need to shop. 90% of my children's clothes are hand me downs from friends and family. oh yeah, i fix my own computers and household fixtures too... we live cheaply.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 07:23 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]i think that is what really helps stabilizing income- don't outsource, in-source, and your better off!
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 07:27 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
HHI: $150k. Debt: $260k. Filed for bankruptcy.
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 05:42 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]why? does that include home?
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 08:38 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]we need to do this. Dh wasn't paid for jobs and we have almost 90K in debt. No recourse for us. How much did a bankruptcy attorney cost or did you do it on your own? Dh did just get a job but I can't see us getting out of this
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 09:52 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
#1-It's none of your business-on an anonymous board or elsewhere.#2-How would this information stop you from freaking out?
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 05:44 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]People ask all sorts of HHI, sex, childrearing questions that are NOYB IRL, so I don't see how this is different. Second, people ask all sorts of questions to find solidarity or share opinions or see how others are doing XYZ. OP is doing the same. What crawled up your *ss this morning?
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 06:22 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I did answer the question in the post and asked one in return. I'm curious, too-just not about other people's debt or yearly income-unless we're in an actual relationship or they owe me $. Perhaps something "crawled up your ass"? That's an ugly little expression.
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 06:27 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
haha- do you have any friends?
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 08:58 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]wow. are you a sociopath or a man? women tend to have the desire to express feelings and stresses that are a part of daily life. we all help ypu put over the stress of tt schools, sex and the like...but i guess you aren't mature enough to communicate without hostile feelings. God be with you! *wink*
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 08:23 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
1.4M HHI/1MM mortgage. no debt
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 06:02 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]^^ no "other" debt!
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 06:03 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
$1.8-2M(hhi); mortgage is $1M. no other debt.
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 08:08 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Have you been paying down your mortgage for a while? Surprised that you don't "upgrade" to bigger apt.
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 08:30 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]we've been here for 2.5 years. we put a LOT of cash down (about $2m) so the mortgage was about 30-35% of value of property. like have most of our cash in savings instead of debt.
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 09:50 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]That's where we want to be in a few years. My husband and I are still debating though whether it's good to aggressively pay down mortgage while properties are still depreciating. Feel like we have most of our wealth tied up in this asset.
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 10:19 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
171K mortgage, 25000 HE, 8K cc/automobile. i can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 08:10 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]and hhi 125K^^
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 08:16 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
$2.25mm, $2.9mm mortgage, no other debt
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 08:15 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]westchester mom?
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 09:51 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]No, we live in Manhattan.
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 10:18 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
What do you do for work?
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 10:44 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]IB
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 10:54 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
$60k, $110k mortgage, $7k credit card debt - single mom of 1
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 08:43 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]$65k HHI, about $10k left in student loans at insanely low interest rate, no other debt. We rent.
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 08:49 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]HHI $550K; $330K mortgage; no other debt
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 09:07 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]$1200 debt, no income
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 09:08 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]are you doing ok? i hope so. thoughts out to you!
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 08:25 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
50k (new business), no debt- no student loans, mortgage and car paid in full, pay credit cards in full each month
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 09:09 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]2
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 09:24 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]$200k hhi, $230k mortgage, and $50k old cc debt. My monthly cc minimum is more than mortgage and condo fee. it's crazy.
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 09:26 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]OMG!
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 09:36 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Too much vs too little! Our debt to income ratio is almost 40...
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 09:27 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]$600k mortgage, HHI $1.2m
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 09:43 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]400K mortgage, 100k HELOC, 75K Student Loans, 650K HHI
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 09:43 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Yikes! Why the HELOC?
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 10:19 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
105k HHI, 15k student loans left, 10k owed on the new car. No cc debt and we rent.
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 09:50 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]$1.4-$2mm HHI, no cc, mortgage or other debt. And yes, we are grateful.
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 09:50 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]where do you live? own or rent? if own, did you buy outright (in cash)? supplemental income (Trust?)
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 09:51 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]we rent in midtown. No trust fund or other supplemental income (DH and I both come from average, middle-class families)
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 10:26 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
$190K Student Loans, $12K CC & Hospital bills: $50K HHI - Really looking forward to paying off out CC & hospital bills once tax refund comes in.
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 10:44 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I am honestly surprised that you see so little income over $1mm on here. Have tons of friends whose dh make that kind of money (I live on Park Ave).
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 11:56 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]lah dee dah
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 12:06 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]snort snort
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 12:26 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Perhaps most Park Ave residents are busy doing other things than posting their HHI on UB
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 01:41 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
And in the case of some of us who live on Park Ave and have relatively high HHI, the income is attributable to both DW and DH. In our case (Park Ave family), i earn more than DH.
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 12:49 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]What was the point of this post? You're not making any sense.
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 01:21 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]NP - I think her point is to rebutt the Park Ave poster who has "tons of friends whose *DH* make that kind of money". The irksome assumption that DHs are the sole contributor to their income. Have to agree - I'm the midtowner with HHI of $1.4-2mm and both DH and I are equally responsible for our finances.
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 01:40 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]OR: Ok, I read that as coming from the OR and it didn't make sense.
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 03:56 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I wrote the second Park Ave post (and am not the original Park Ave poster). I was in fact commenting on Park Ave poster #1's assumption that people live on Park Ave because of *DH's* income.
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 07:05 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Most people living on Park Avenue have family money, they don't rely on any income.
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 07:09 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I live there and certainly have no family money. We support parents and step-parents.
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 07:32 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I'm surprised to see so few people on this board with connections (my dad is the POTUS).
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 01:20 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
$300K HHI, $300K left on mortgage, no student loans, no cc debt.
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 12:21 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]1.3 mil, no debt.
[ Reply | Options ]11.12.09, 08:27 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] Does anyone else feel like their DC is 3 going on 13? College roommate was over last ... 26 replies
- OP--my son is 4--we adopted him basically right before i got pregnant--and while DD is carrying on and on abou how she likes white milk but only in...
- no, but thanks for trying to take a dig at my adopted son. i was highlighting the way boys mature slowly....
Talk : : November 11, 2009
Does anyone else feel like their DC is 3 going on 13? College roommate was over last week and asked DD what she wanted for her birthday. The answer? "A boyfriend." WTH!?
26 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.11.09, 01:23 PM [ Flag ]my 3 yo says she has to find a husband so she can have babies! to fill her toy stroller. ugh.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 01:26 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]my niece too! i don't know where girls get that from, meanwhile, my nephew is clueless on everything.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 01:42 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]OP--my son is 4--we adopted him basically right before i got pregnant--and while DD is carrying on and on abou how she likes white milk but only in the pink cup and how daddy put it in the dishwasher, DS is grunting.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 01:58 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]genetics
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 02:08 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Umm...no, but thanks for trying to take a dig at my adopted son. i was highlighting the way boys mature slowly.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 02:19 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]you could have highlighted that without mentioning he was adopted. you seemed to be asking for this answer.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 02:55 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]ditto.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 04:48 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
???
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 02:11 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Funny/cute, but I see where you're coming from!
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 02:06 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
when my ds was 2 he came out of his room wearing sunglasses and asked me if he looked like he was in a boyband. i have no idea how he even knew what that is! but it scared the bejeezus out of dh!
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 02:09 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I would wonder what the f*** their parents are teaching them, or allowing them to be exposed to. Three year olds don't naturally say this stuff.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 02:11 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]ITTA. OP's DD is apparently being raised by a "nanny".
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 02:12 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Thank you both for making assumptions about my life. Both kids are in preschool all day, there yes, they are exposed to many things. I could not say how DD learned about boyfriends, or even the want for one, but now she knows.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 02:21 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Well there you go.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 02:22 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
LOL, I think even a SAHM's DC could be exposed to the concept of a boyfriend. Say if she was like me and had a sister who was single and dating, and her DC thought said sister was the coolest person in the entire universe.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 02:22 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]ITA. I hope you are not taking OR seriously. She is out to make herself feel better by insulting strangers on a message board for an hour or two!
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 02:24 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Haha so true!
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 02:39 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
are you riding the rude train today or what?????
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 02:30 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Really? Because I hear kids saying precocious things all of the time at dc's preschool and at birthday parties. Especially the little girls. Culture is ambient... I wouldn't jump to blame the parents.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 02:12 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I would. Parents are in control over what their kids see and hear at that age.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 02:14 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]NP: Not if they are in preschool. My DS knows who ironman is. He has never seen the movie or even a preview... it's from talking to other 3 year olds at school. Kids pick up A LOT of stuff at this age from their peers. And you can't control what other kids know, even when you pick the best schools. FWIW, I think the Waldorf schools that ban TV at home have the right idea!
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 02:17 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]It's your choice to send your kid to preschool. Unless he's developmentally slow, it's unlikely he needs it.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 02:20 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]np: troll alert!
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 02:22 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]It's not about need. I sent my DC to preschool rather than pay for a nanny because I want him to have social interaction, and frankly, I'd like to get some parent friends out of the process.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 02:22 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]There are tons of nice things in life that aren't necessary. For many families, preschool is one of them. I would guess that the pros far outweigh the cons for most families (especially if the con is something as inane as a kid learning about "boyfriends.")
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 02:27 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I like that idea, too! We weren't allowed to watch any television (outside of Sesame Street, Mister Rogers' Neighborhood, and The Electric Company) until well into elementary school.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 02:21 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] Do you consider Asian families diverse in a Manhattan private school? 18 replies
- actually there are quite a bit of jewish chinese adopted girls...
Talk : : November 11, 2009
Do you consider Asian families diverse in a Manhattan private school?
18 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.11.09, 09:24 AM [ Flag ]no
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 09:24 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]ditto
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 09:25 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]So no advantage to getting in?
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 09:26 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]no
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 09:26 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]if you are asian/AA then yes
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 09:31 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]So if my dc got in to one, he must be a superstar.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 09:32 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]he probably is, or they saw something in him beyond just being Asian, and isn't that a good thing?
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 09:35 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]yeh!
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 09:37 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
no. he's a normal kid in the normal pool just like any kid
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 09:48 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]yes, some kind of genius
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 09:49 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
is this the same lady who has posted about her asian/white dd getting rejected from schools? stop obsessing! Chinatown immigrants, yes. 2nd generation Ivy grads, probably not.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 09:27 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]shallow town!
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 09:29 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]no. nor at selective publics. nor at ivy league colleges.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 09:30 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Heschel, yes.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 09:47 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]LOL! Maybe Asian families should apply there for the advantage!
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 09:49 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]actually there are quite a bit of jewish chinese adopted girls
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 09:55 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
They are.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 09:49 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Only if they're BROWN Asians, like from Indonesia. If they're white Asians, like from Japan, absolutely not.
[ Reply | Options ]11.11.09, 09:49 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] Anyone else trying a long time to concieve a 2nd child and it taking a terrible toll ... 12 replies
- on each other. So I guess it can go either way. If IVF doesn't work for us, our only option will be adoption, and we're not really on the same page with that, so I expect working through that decision will be a...You might disagree on some issues but try to talk through them together. Patience is important. My DH thought he would never adopt but eventually he was willing to consider it. We finally decided to be content with just one and got pregnant with #2...
Talk : : November 10, 2009
Anyone else trying a long time to concieve a 2nd child and it taking a terrible toll on your relationship?
12 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.10.09, 11:13 AM [ Flag ]Absolutely...only we are TTC #1.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 11:16 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Maybe if you concentrated more on your relationship and less on "TTC", you might have a stronger, healthier relationship.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 11:17 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Lots of factors at play, I'm sure. TTC can put a huge strain on the relationship, lots of pressure on DW.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 11:19 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]And even more pressure on DH, who is often made to feel more like a stud service than a partner and husband.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 11:21 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I have a wonderful, fantastic husband and marriage. That's quite a leap you made there from my question to assuming my relationship is a mess. Suggest you read more Oprah psychobabble books...
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 11:25 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]np: OR did sound preachy, but you did ask whether ttc had taken "a terrible toll on your relationship." i think it's natural people will assume that you are struggling with something similar.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 06:58 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
ttc'ing is horrible.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 11:18 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]ttc is awful. Either way, it pulls at you. Same direction or apart. Good luck!
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 11:24 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Thank you. It's amazing to me even as close and strong as our relationship is, this process is brutal and bruising. he feels pressured, I feel abandoned!
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 11:26 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
We have been ttc #1 for almost two years. It has been a very difficult time (compounded by the fact my husband was laid off for a few months), but I think if our relationship has changed at all, it's for the better. I guess we've never really been tested before this and the experience has made us realize that we really can rely on each other. So I guess it can go either way. If IVF doesn't work for us, our only option will be adoption, and we're not really on the same page with that, so I expect working through that decision will be a challenge.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 05:11 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]It can be a tough road but hang in there together. You might disagree on some issues but try to talk through them together. Patience is important. My DH thought he would never adopt but eventually he was willing to consider it. We finally decided to be content with just one and got pregnant with #2 after 6 years of trying. Ultimately, our marriage is a lot stronger because we have been through so much together.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 06:55 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]It took us 13 months, one miscarriage before it "took." I think you both have to make up your mind that it's NOT going to take a toll on your relationship. If one of you finds yourself getting worked up, take a break. Figure out a plan that will work for both of you. If you are together and already have one child, keep counting your blessings and know that, worst case scenario, you will be a fine and happy family as-is. More than likely everything will work out in time!
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 07:00 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] Anyone else been trying for a second baby for a long time and having relationship iss... 2 replies
- we're having to face questions about how much ART we're willing to do and if that fails, would we adopt? This can be tense. He's content with one dc and doesn't know why I'm so intent on having more. I feel like he's slowing the process down by procrastinating about dr.'s appointments...
Talk : : November 10, 2009
Anyone else been trying for a second baby for a long time and having relationship issues because of it?(they feel pressured/unsexy you feel harrassed/abandoned)
2 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.10.09, 11:08 AM [ Flag ]Yup, in the same boat. Issues in play are...sex became entirely about conception, no spontaneity -- we're working on this...dh had to be confronted with conclusive test results before he accepted that he was the one with low fertility...we're having to face questions about how much ART we're willing to do and if that fails, would we adopt? This can be tense. He's content with one dc and doesn't know why I'm so intent on having more. I feel like he's slowing the process down by procrastinating about dr.'s appointments...etc.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 11:17 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]If this is happening to you, perhaps you should stop pressuring/harassing/abandoning your mate.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 11:18 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] i'm very sad. over the past two years i had three miscarriages. i've consulted with... 51 replies
- how about adoption? i'm sure there was a reason you didn't consider it before, but there are plenty of kids who need homes as...
- Short term foster care is a great way to test the waters. I have friends who have done it and ended up adopting really great kids. It can take a while to do the training and jumping through the administrative hhops, so you might think...
Talk : : November 10, 2009
i'm very sad. over the past two years i had three miscarriages. i've consulted with 3 ob's, 2 perinatologists, and two referral organizations. the best suggestion was to try again, using blood thinners. i wanted something more definitive than a "hey, why don't you try this". it's so hard. hard on me physically, hard on me and dh emotionally, hard on our marriage, etc. i'm getting to the end of my mandatory wait to ttc again and i'm scared.
51 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.10.09, 09:24 AM [ Flag ]I understand. I had two second trimester losses and an early miscarriage. I remember the need to know why. BUT, why doens't matter. What matters is WHEN. When are you going to hold your beautiful baby in your arms? So, keep your eye on the prize. Keep focused. Do what you need to do. Once you are holding that baby, this won't be quite as bad. Best of luck to you!!!!
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 09:27 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]thank you. i think i'm just feeling despairing.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 09:33 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Have you ever been to an RE?
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 09:28 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]they told me to see a perinatologist or maternal-fetal-medicine speicialist. i'm not sure why.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 09:34 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I am the poster who posted about Orli Etingen. When I got pregnant, I went to Edersheim, but no MFM would touch me until I actually WAS pregnant (just my experience).
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 09:36 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]i don't know how it works. i went to the two perinatologists for consultations. don't know how it works iwth REs and mfms.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 09:38 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
When did you M/C? Did you have any problems TTC?
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 09:50 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]no problems ttc (thank goodness. that would be even more scary to deal with, i think). miscarried between 12 and 14 weeks.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 09:55 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Hang in there and it will happen.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 09:28 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]thank you.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 09:35 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Dr. Orli Ettingen gave me a great workup when I was concerned about this. She is at Cornell.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 09:29 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Wife saw Etingen - very happy with her.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 09:36 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]thanks. it seems like everyone is in agreement about what tests to run (all came up with no problems) and what the options are. but maybe i'll look into this doctor.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 09:36 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I had the official tests (which came up empty) and then went to her and she ran EVERYTHING, even that crazy stuff that you read on the web that "can be the cause of miscarriage"- all was negative and she went through it patiently with me. For the piece of mind alone, she was well worth it.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 09:40 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]i'll see if she's covered by my insurance and if i can get an appt soon. thanks for the recommendation.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 09:44 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]She doesn't take insurance - we paid out of pocket, but was worth it. DW's brother was diagnosed with a genetic blood disorder and we were testing DW. She turned out to be heterozygous for the disorder so it wasn't a huge risk, managed with folic acid and baby asprin.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 10:02 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]ouch. but it's good to have her name anyway. i feel much more confident about the baby aspirin/blood thinner now. so we'll try it.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 10:04 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Don't give up hope. I've had four miscarriages, have two DSs and am pregnant again - 22 weeks. First, pick up Coming to Term, by Jon Cohen. It's a few years old now but it's a good resource for multiple miscarriage treatment. It tells you where they started and what they are looking for in their tests. It should empower you to push more for certain tests. Blood thinners treat certain clotting issues but there could be many, many other causes (or none at all). The best stat in this book is that the overwhelming majority of people with up to 4 miscarriages go on to have a healthy pregnancy with no intervention. I think you are past OB and before perinatologist stage. You need a good RE like yesterday. Good luck!
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 09:36 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]i thought an RE was used for problems getting pregnant and a perinatologist was for problems during the pregnancy? and thanks very much for the book recommendation. i'm going to get it. i'm feeling very despairing. if they can't figure out a reason then it's just a craps shoot and we have to try and see if it works. (which, if you htink about it, really happens with every pregnancy anyway). but it's a very scary proposition to go through.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 09:41 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I think a perinatologist is a specialist who treats problem pregnancies, but they seem to get involved after the first trimester. An RE helps someone get and stay pregnant. Infertility is defined as not only the inability to get pregnant, but also recurrent loss. My RE was a Godsend (not in NYC though). He went through everything (and did additional tests from the Ob's workup) and told me how he could fix the various problems that often cause recurrent miscarriage.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 09:43 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Me again. And the good news is that if you've had all of the tests and nothing is wrong - there is nothing to be fixed. You are just getting screwed by the fates. This was my situation too. I would have preferred to have something to put my finger on, at some point, I think. But the great news is that the odds are on your side, overwhelmingly. Why and when did you have your losses? Chromosomal?
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 09:45 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]12-14 weeks. didn't test chromosomes on all but the one(s) that we tested didn't show a problem. they think it's clotting problems but the fetuses and placentas didn't show excessive clotting so that would've been a nice support to the theory.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 09:48 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I took a baby aspirin throughout first trimester in the pregnancy that resulted in my kids. Doc said it was ok.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 09:49 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]really? you have no idea how happy it is to have you post this. that's what the latest recommendation was and i was colossally not impressed. but i guess it really does work for some people. i'm practically crying from relief thinking there's some hope.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 09:54 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Oh it worked, I also took Omegas until I got pregnant. I also had given up hope. That was what was different when I finally got my kids (I am the Etingen poster- nothing wrong was ever found).
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 09:57 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]thanks again. i guess we'll try it and see if it works. it's funny b/c the doctor telling me it can help wasn't encouraging. but knowing that it did work for you (and i don't even know you!) makes me feel like it can totally work for me.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 10:03 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
They should have run chromosomal testing with each loss they did a D&C for. God forbid you have another, insist. 50% of miscarriages are chromosomal, and if you've had one, that changes your treatment/outlook in some ways. (I've had two, one normal, one too early to tell). It also will give you peace of mind to know that some things are just flukes of nature. They can karyotype you and your DH to see if something is in your genes that cause recurrent loss (balanced transolocations). If so, IVF with PGD to treat this. Cont'd.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 10:03 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Another thing, is a single aspirin can treat anticardiolipid antibody issues - if they are bad, you might need heparin. This is also an easy fix. If you have a single or double MTHFR variation, you need more folic acid, another easy pill fix. There is so much they can do! They just need to tune in. An RE can look at your file, see your tests and fine tune your treatments. Obs try to do it, but it's the jack of all trades, master of none bit. Cont'd
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 10:05 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Another thing - did you m/c at 12-14 weeks after seeing a heartbeat at early scans? Do they follow your HCG early to see it rise, or are you only confirming the loss then because it's the first appointment where they are looking for a heartbeat but not finding one (i.e. you could be m/c earlier but not knowing since they aren't looking)? The timing of the loss sometimes indicates what's happening, too.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 10:07 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]thanks for all these questions. (you seem very knowledgeable). i answered about chromosomal testing below. the m/cs were all after seeing a heartbeat, after things had been going very well. all were discovered at 14 weeks, with two measuring at around 13 weeks and measuring at 14 weeks. so everyone seems to be leaning towards clotting issues, with chromosome problems being the next best guess. so they never tested hcg b/c it wasn't a problem. i know both perinatologists i went to said my ob's had been very thorough in ordering tests. they tested for the thrombophilia/clotting disorders and nothing came up as a problem
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 10:15 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]How horrible for you. Each time, you thought you were safe and into the clear and then a loss - That must have been excrutiating for you. I'm so, so sorry. If it's a clotting issue, though, a baby aspirin and heparin are easy fixes. I think the baby aspirin is a low dose blood thinner, the other two are a little more of a big guns approach. In light of your history, I would think they would order the heparin. Unfortunately, as you know, the knowledge comes through experience because no one cares as much about the ultimate outcome as we do. That book is amazing, though! I hope you get it.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 10:19 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]op: thank you. first time was like getting hit in the face with a hammer, it came from totally out of the blue. next time i was holding my breath thinking lightning wouldn't strike twice, but it did. third time was almost like having blinders on, just determined to believe that it wouldn't happen again. now i'm a wreck and i'm not even ttc'ing yet. i'm going to call the ob and discuss the heparin vs. the aspirin. i don't want to do too little but i'm also nervous about being on blood thinners if it's not necessary, kwim? but i'm really glad to see from so many people that the heparin and/or aspirin really can work.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 10:28 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]One of the hardest things to wrap your brain around is that it *can* and and likely *will* be okay for you. You feel like Lucy is holding the football and you are Charlie Brown always falling for it, but you have to try to stay sane and positive. You have good facts (no big uglies that are causing problems) and so long as you don't give it, it will happen for you.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 01:41 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
thanks. i never got the results from any tests run with the first one. the second and third times i'm not sure if it was too late to get results or that the results showed no problems.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 10:07 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Did they test for the clotting disorders? They can def cause miscarriages at that stage. I have factor v leiden and take lovenox for blood thinning throughout pregnancy, carried #1 no problem, now 31 weeks with #2.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 10:07 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]op: yes, they tested. nothing showed a problem. they said they are leaning towards blood clotting as the problem anyway. but they were hoping to find clotting in the placenta to support the theory and they didn't.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 10:19 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I am the RE poster from above. My RE did a whole panel of blood tests on me. He found that I had one gene mutation for clotting (gosh I wish I remember what it was). He said that it wasn't two, so it's not technically a defect, but that it could benefit from baby asprin. He then referred me to a high risk OB to assess whether I needed to be a heparin (I didn't). Anyway, I took baby aspirin throughout and progesterone suppositories and my third pregnancy (after two MCs) ended up in DS. GL and hang in there.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 10:19 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
did they end up coming up with a reason for your miscarriages? i think the timing of mine is making it possible to rule out a lot of issues. thanks very much for this information. just "talking" about it with other people is very helpful to me.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 09:46 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]My first one was genetically normal, and a twin pregnancy. Not sure why I lost that one. Second one was triploidy (a full extra set of chromosomes - freak of nature, two sperm, one egg thing). Third was too early to tell, almost a chemical pregnancy. Fourth one was Trisomy 20. Since I had chromosomal issues, I am slightly more likely to have them with an additional pregnancy (1% chance). I've had two healthy boys and all looks good for this pregnancy (girl). This has all been since 2004 - so 7 pregnancies, four losses in 5 years). I was on heparin and baby aspirin for both boys. This time, I'm not on anything.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 10:11 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]wow. what a lot to go through. i'm so happy for you that you have your healthy dc. good luck this time. are you nervous about not being on aspirin or heparin? have they tested for chromosomal problems?
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 10:22 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]^^^i ask b/c it seems like you'd understand how i feel now. that i want to ttc, hope i get pregnant, but can't help but feel like i might be waiting for the other shoe to drop. it's very scary.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 10:24 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I'm not nervous about being off of everything this time - not sure why - you would think I would be. I think it's just that I came out the other side okay with my boys and it gave me faith again that my body could do this. When I was in your position, I doubted everything, that it could ever be okay. Now, it just feels differently. My situation was like yours that there was nothing they could definitely say was the problem. Cont'd.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 01:36 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]We had first trimester screening done this time and everything looks okay. I'm hoping for the best. I hope time speeds up for you because I have faith that you will have a healthy baby - it's just that the road is often longer than we expect. And it's so scary and isolating because it seems so easy for other people. And there isn't much out there as far as support for recurrent loss.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 01:38 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
how about adoption? i'm sure there was a reason you didn't consider it before, but there are plenty of kids who need homes as loving as yours.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 11:10 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]op: i had never thought of it before. i don't think it's something i'd want to do. i can more likely see myself doing short term foster care or something like that.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 11:34 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Short term foster care is a great way to test the waters. I have friends who have done it and ended up adopting really great kids. It can take a while to do the training and jumping through the administrative hhops, so you might think about beginning the process sooner.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 09:16 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I had 3 mc's also, but have had 2 healthy kids. One mc before first DC; 2 after; then the baby (yep, she's a baby now). The view doesn't change till you succeed, is all I can say. I would never have believed things would improve - until they did!
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 11:43 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]thanks so much for this post. i'm really hoping for good things.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 11:44 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Me too. I think you will get there as I did. But trust me if someone had said that to me at the time(s) I would not have believed them at all.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 01:39 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I have a physician friend who was you. 5 miscarriages, no definitive cause. She successfully delivered a healthy child after using blood thinners the moment she knew was pregnant. Good luck. Sometimes you just don't know, you have to try everything.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 12:28 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Listen, I feel bad for you but I'm assuming you have a child already and in my experience, people who have miscarriages always end up with a baby. It's the can't get pregnant infertiles (like us) who tend to struggle for longer. Make an appointment with an RE, try some lovenox or heparin and you should be fine. Remember, no one is sick, this will probably work out in the end and you will have wasted all this time feeling miserable. I've seen people go through infertility hell and you're not even in the ballpark. Hang tough. You don't sound like a very difficult case to me. Nothing some IVF and lovenox can't fix.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 07:33 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] Do all publics now have mix of progress reports and report cards, or is this just new... 21 replies
- I think anderson just adopted it from NEST. not sure if others are doing this. doubt it....
Talk : : November 09, 2009
Do all publics now have mix of progress reports and report cards, or is this just new to our school?
21 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.09.09, 06:01 PM [ Flag ]What do you think of it?
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 06:21 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]does your school do it?
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 06:23 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Just started.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 06:26 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
when do most public elementary schools get report card? Is it during P-T conferences tomorrow?
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 06:22 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]yes
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 07:32 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I think anderson just adopted it from NEST. not sure if others are doing this. doubt it.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 06:35 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Anderson started doing this a year or two ago.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 06:37 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]no. it is new this year.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 06:40 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]They may be new for the lower grades, but progress reports have been in place for upper grades for a couple of years.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 06:47 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Just started this year for K-4.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 06:48 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]3 progress reports between the 3 report cards.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 07:52 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
OP here: can anyone answer the question? do all publics issue progress reports between report cards now?
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 06:41 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I'd have to say, probably not.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 06:47 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Nope, they do not. Ours still sticks with the 3 report cards only. It is plenty IMO.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 06:53 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]We get 3 progress reports. Today for tomorrow's P/T meetings, then March and end of year.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 07:47 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]So when do you get report cards? Those are the times we get report cards.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 10:25 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]np. we don't get report card. three progress reports the day before each p/t conference only.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 11:11 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
We don't get anything between reports at Hunter.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 07:37 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]hijack: last year in k we got all numbers, this year it's a mix of numbers and letters. the letters gauge participation and i find them completely stupid and unhelpful. anyone else?
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 11:09 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]what's the difference? we get 3 progress reports.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 11:10 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]has to do with whether it is part of the permanant record or just a communication to the parents to keep them informed and involved...and maybe warned.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 07:00 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] I am so utterly and miserably conflicted about whether or not to have another dc. My ... 16 replies
- Have you considered adoption?...
- Depends. You can adopt from the state and it's very low cost or some private adoption agencies which will run about $10K....
Talk : : November 09, 2009
I am so utterly and miserably conflicted about whether or not to have another dc. My son is currently 3.4 and I am finally feeling a bit like myself pre-baby. I suffered from terrible post-partum (was ready to leave my husband and son) and made choices that I never thought I would. I don't even know if I want another child, but I certainly know I don't want to feel depressed again (horrific!) Any opinions? Will welcome tough comments, too!
16 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.09.09, 11:44 AM [ Flag ]What are your reasons for wanting another? You never mentioned them in your post, which is awfully telling...
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 11:52 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I want my son to have sibling. I don't want to regret not having another on account of fear. I feel like my husband and I have a lot to give as parents (albeit not money!). I think another child will bring more joy to our family, ultimately.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 12:03 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]What do you think exacerbated the PPD? For me, it was not having any help. If we have another, I will have a PT nanny.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 12:06 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]You're so kind to keep responding. I think a BIG part of it was that I have always suffered from depression and so it was worse, of course, following the pregnancy. I also really mourned for my old life, going out with dh in nyc, have book clubs, seeing plays, going abroad. I really resented not having enough money or time to do all that we did in the past. Oh it's utterly confusing. I feel like if we have another, we'd have to entirely give up the smidgin of that life that we used to have.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 12:09 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Have you considered adoption?
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 11:57 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Husband doesn't want to, but I wish he did! It's also quite expensive, no?
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 12:03 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Depends. You can adopt from the state and it's very low cost or some private adoption agencies which will run about $10K.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 12:05 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]thank you. that's very good to know. i would actually like very much to adopt. husband is really against it, which makes me sad actually.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 12:06 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
if you can't rule it out then i believe you do want another but fear is making this decision for you. are you happy now? I would have a baby-skip the nursing and proceed right to the anti depressants--
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 12:07 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I am so happy now! That is what makes it all scary. Fear is certainly making the decision, in part, but current contentment is, too!
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 12:10 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
people don't always repeat with PPD, but you and your doc can be watching for it this time and be ready to treat. You are also smart to plan ahead for help and other things that would be helpful. Good luck with yout decision.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 12:08 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I just posted about this recently, difference is that my child is 5 and that my pregnancy/post-partum went fine. The thing we have in common is that I do not have the urge to have another child. We decided to stick to one, very happu with decision and as if a burden has been lifted.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 01:09 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]OP wants another child but is not sure if she can go through the PPD again- you sound liek you just didn'
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 01:29 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I wanted another child as well, but after repeated early pregnancy loss the second time around I realised I did not want a second child badly enough. Things are not black and white, there's degrees to most things.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 02:17 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
If it's somethign you want then you need to talk to a professional. Someone to help you decide what you really want and then if you do decide to have another you will have a pre-pregnancy relationship with a mental health professional who can help monitor you.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 01:42 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]1 child or 5, it doesn't matter; you will not have the same life again with a child in the picture. This sort of reminds me of the quote "often we look so long at closed doors that we missed the ones that have opened for us"...if one keeps looking so forlornly (not a word?) at the past, then no matter how much antidepressants we pop, the present still looks depressing. -*
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 02:05 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] What do you think of SAHM who have full time nannies? 120 replies
- I knew a woman who had two blood children and four adopted she has a nanny follow her everywhere. With that many kids it makes seance....
Talk : : November 09, 2009
What do you think of SAHM who have full time nannies?
120 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.09.09, 08:11 AM [ Flag ]don't really get it but don't really care. p/t nanny, mother's helper, housekeeper i get, but live and let live is my motto.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 08:13 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Mmm, depends on how many kids they have. If they have, like, four dc's under the age of 10 I understand. If they have one or two dc's, then I sort of don't get it, unless there are medical issues or something at play.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 08:14 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Just rich. They have a nanny for each child. Wife doesn't work.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 08:15 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]That falls under the category of "I don't get it". One nanny for each child, too? How much help do people need in navigating their daily lives?
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 08:18 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Then I don't understand why they want to be SAHMs.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 08:19 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Ita. I understand getting somebody to help with cleaning and housework, but I became a SAHM because I wanted to spend time with my kids and take care of them.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 08:21 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]not always true. sometimes you just have the money and can afford to have someone on call in case you need them. so you do spend time with your kids but also have the luxury to get sick, run errands withouth the kids etc.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 08:47 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]If you're Mrs. X, sure.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 09:11 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
They are SAHW (women) not SAHM
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 09:13 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I think: I'm jealous!
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 08:23 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]ITA!
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 08:27 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]me too!
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 08:27 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]third that.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 08:29 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
jealous of never spending time with dcs? op said full-time (not part-time) nanny (not housekeeper, mother's helper).
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 08:37 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]that's not necessarily true. if i could afford it, would love to have someone around full time so i wouldnt have to stress about getting sick, having appointments etc. i could afford to have someone sit around and clean or do nothing, or babysit, depending on the day. sounds like heaven!
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 08:44 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Not me. I'd hate to have a stranger in my house, especially if there's nothing for her to do.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 05:04 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]if you could afford this, you would also have a huge place that would need lots of maintenance.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 07:04 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
You can still spend time with DCs. It would be nice to have the help though.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 08:48 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]This is ridiculous. I spend tons of time with my kids even though I have a nanny. We get to have one-on-one time with each of them, sibling does not have to get dragged to activities s/he have no interest in, and I get time in the evening to go to school events and such.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 10:17 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Me too! I would LOVE it. Spend time with the kids without having to do the dirty work. Wait, I think that's what they call a grandparent!
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 10:39 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Me too. I would LOVE to have a full time live nanny. It would make my life SO much easier. I would still see my kid just as much, but if I needed an hour here or there I could get. I could go to Dr. appt. alone. I always imagined I would have a full time nanny it just didn't work out that way.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 05:02 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
i have never met one, but don't even waste my precious time to think of it theoretically.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 08:28 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Maybe they could be SASOHM's. (Shop and Spa Out Of Home Mom's)
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 08:31 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I know a few who have three or four young children. That makes sense to me. They need the help. The ones with one or two children I don't understand. Just rich I suppose.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 08:35 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I have 3 DCs under 3yo and I could use a FT nanny. My marriage would probably be a lot better because I wouldn't be such a worn out bitch by the end of the day.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 10:45 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I nannied a bit when I was younger. I interviewed once for a position where there were 3 DCs under 5. It was a SAHM who already had a fully time nanny. I couldn't figure what she needed a p/t nanny for! She seemed genuinely interested in her children, though.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 08:49 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I grew up with a live in nanny and my mom never worked. The nanny did all the grudge work (bathing, feeding etc) but my mom was always around as Mom. Ideal to me.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 08:53 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]eh. i have happy memories of my mother bathing me (or just hanging out in the bathroom and chatting while i splashed around), eating with me. the grunt work didn't seem like it to me or i'm betting to her either.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 09:02 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I think you mean "drudge work" but I like "grudge work" too!! Maybe more accurate...
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 09:36 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]she must be'grudge' people who don't have to do the drudge work
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 02:21 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
OP here. I do wonder why she even had kids sometimes.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 08:55 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Probably because she felt like she was supposed to.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 08:58 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]but women have done this throughout the ages. why is it a problem now?
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 08:59 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]it is situation by situation. Though the two I know of: one is lazy (was a SAHW PRIOR to becoming pregnant), and the other is keeping up with the joneses-
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 09:30 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]ita, i think of 2 stereotypes at opposite extremes - first is overweight and lazy, second is anorexic and overexercised, lives at the gym or runs every day.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 09:34 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Ov erweight and lazy? Idiot
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 10:35 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]person who posted the two types I know- the one that is lazy IS overweight-
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 10:45 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Well, weight corellates pretty strongly with SES, and being an SAHM with help does as well. So realistically NY is not populated by lots of overweight SAHMs with help. Leaving aside your moralistic connection between size and work ethic.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 12:23 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]What does SES stand for??
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 02:00 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Socio-Economic Standard.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 05:06 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]socio-economic status
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 06:10 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
haha!! I'm skinny because I don't a moment to eat during the day! sahm with part time nanny.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 07:40 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
this is the demi moore/jackie kennedy school of parenting.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 09:02 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Depends totally on the mother. I don't judge them as a group.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 09:12 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]They cannot be judged as a group, because you never know what is happening behind the scenes. My cousin is married to a woman who is bipolar, with a history of going off her meds - she has been in and out of hospitals for years and cannot hold down a job. They have two school aged DCs and he works extremely hard to make sure that they have what they need, including medical coverage for his DW (her most serious break came just after the birth of their second DC). When she is on her meds, an outsider would have a very hard time knowing she has a mental illness, but because she is incapable of staying on her meds, he needs to have a FT nanny to make sure his DCs are safe and cared for. You never know what's going on behind closed doors.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 09:21 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]lucky ducks. hopefully, they have enough in the bank for generations, not just for this and next generations though.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 09:26 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Its their business, really. I would love it. Personally, I can deal with my DC a little bit at a time, and then I need some space. I am a WOHM and if I was a SAHM, I would definitely like some help, when I am home, I can't even go to the bathroom, eat dinner or hop on the computer without my DD hanging all over me. In the little pretend world that exists in my head, I always saw myself growing up to be a Jackie Kennedy kind of mom.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 09:44 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]lol, you are me.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 09:50 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Amazing when I read this I think, poor DD just wants your attention, but when my own DD is hanging all over ME, I feel the same as you!
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 11:46 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]but when dcs are in school it's ridiculous to have a f/t nanny if you're a sahm. yeah, they can clean out the sock drawer every two days, but do you really need that much space???
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 02:15 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Count me among the jealous. That said, I wouldn't want someone hanging around my house FULL TIME if I was a SAHM. But 20 - 25 hours a week, hell the hell yeah.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 09:48 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]My nanny hardly ever works more than 25 hours a week, but I pay full time salary to have flexibility to get the hours I want (including weekend sometimes). it works.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 10:18 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I know lots of SAHMs with full time nannies, some of them two full time nannies. I think it's great, they are always up for having my kids over and willing to take them places. Power to them.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 10:18 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Nannies take them places or the mom.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 04:54 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Honestly, they don't count as SAHMs in my opinion. Maybe "special guest appearance moms".
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 10:32 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]LOL. ITA.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 10:45 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I think that makes you feel better.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 07:42 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I really don't think about them that often. To each his own. But I am far more impressed with sahms who do everything themselves.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 10:41 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I don't think anything about them. I've seen some great moms that have full time nannies and some lousy moms with no nannies. doesn't have anything to do with what kind of parent you are.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 10:42 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]ITA
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 10:43 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]well, yes but it's easier to be a "good" mom when you have so much help - when you lose patience with dcs, hand them over to nanny.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 10:57 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]np: that's not my definition of a "good mom." part of good parenting is being a good parent after you lose patience, not just getting away
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 03:44 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
depends on the situation. if you have more than one child, a nanny allows you to spend time with each child, not wake a kid from a nap to pick another one up from school. if you have one child, you get a lot of freedom to come and go. also a full time nanny isn't a live in nanny, so you're still putting the kid to bed every night. i can think of lots of scenarios where it makes sense. it's never been my choice. who knows maybe i would have been happier with a full time nanny. my best friend has a full time nanny and it totally works for her.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 10:42 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Here's what I think. If you only have 1 dc and you SAH and you have a normal sized apartment and a dh who is around (not working 100 hr weeks or travelling all the time or an on call MD, etc.) then having FT help (40+ hours) seems like a lot. But if it's a FT housekeeper/nanny, I can see where it makes sense. Once you have more than 1 dc, I think that having a 2nd person, makes life so much easier. Not having to drag a baby out in the winter when the older dc has school or a class or a playdate. Allowing baby to nap at home in bed. It can make a huge difference.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 10:48 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I feel like if you're going to be a SAHM, then you should SAH and be a mom. Not a mom who can get someone to watch the kids while you do whatever. Having kids and juggling is part of being a mom, IMHO. Otherwise, get a job. -
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 10:50 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Its nice to live in a world where we all have choices and there are many ways to live. Come join ours!
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 11:13 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]To freeload without even raising your kids? No, thanks.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 11:31 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]So, no woman could have her own money, she must be freeloading?
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 04:26 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
i don't get it--i don't care if you do or don't--but i was home sick on friday with my nanny and it was just weird--i couldn't get comfortable having her do stuff when i was home--i wound up getting in the way and just feeling awkward-i don't think i would chose to live that way
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 10:54 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]i think that when you are a WOHM you do not have a home routine and that's what makes it so awkward.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 10:56 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I don't understand why UB thinks they're okay but not WOHMs.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 10:58 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]my parents come from a country where the husband's parents move in with the couple or nearby after marriage. so during the day, the child may be with his grandparents or parents. I don't see how this is any different from having a full-time nanny and the mom definitely does raise the child...but she just has more latitude to visit parents, cook dinner, do groceries, etc. without disturbance.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 11:24 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I knew a woman who had two blood children and four adopted she has a nanny follow her everywhere. With that many kids it makes seance.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 11:35 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]6 kids is extenuating circumstances!
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 11:40 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
All those SAHMs with full time nannies I know are not the motherly type and they wouldn't last long taking care of their own kids. They are actually better off having full time nannies b/c they would not make good full time moms- I'm talking about the ones I know. And I think the moms know that too and that is why they have help. Some I know spend more time on charities for kids they don't know instead of spending time with their blood related kids! To each her own!
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 12:23 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]ITA. The ones I know in this circumstance do not seem like they enjoy being a mother and in a way, the kids probably get better care with their nannies. Its a little grating to hear them complaining about raising children. And they still expend incredible energy getting them into the right schools though.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 01:49 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]the irony of it all is that almost all the sahms with ft nannies have 3 kids. why bother having so many if you don't want to raise them all or if you only want them raised by nannies?
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 02:05 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]actually most I knwo ahve two kids, though these same moms had the ft nanneis with 1 kid-
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 02:18 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]ITA. Seriously -- I'd like to point out that some women with 3+ dc's do manage without nannies. I grew up in an old-school Irish-Italian neighborhood and there were plenty of women with four or five kids who raised them without professional help. Not bashing SAHM's with nannies as I have a good friend who is in this situation, but people who act like they NEED a nanny once they have more than two dc's have lost some perspective, I think.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 02:19 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Neighborhood with friends and family to lend a hand, right? Life is not like that now.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 06:36 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
lol. you are a joke.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 07:23 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Although this point has already been made -- I think one needs to make the distinction between those sahm's who have a f/t nanny and then spend the day at the spa, and those sahm's who use their nanny to create the kind of flexibility in their lives that we all envy (like when ds is taking a nap, mom can run to the store, nanny can stay home in case ds wakes up) etc.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 02:28 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Yup. For example, I have a friend with two dc's, one of whom is special-needs and has a ton of PT, OT, etc. appointments. Nanny allows her to take the dc to all these appointments without db, and also spend individual time with both dc's.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 02:32 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]people here don't get it. they are either self righteous or jealous or whatever. they don't get that its not a competition to see who can be the biggest martyr and that having a nanny doesn't necessarily mean you are outsourcing everything.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 02:34 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I get that. But do you REALLY need someone full time for that? I guess if you can afford it....
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 03:18 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I'm this mother and shocked by the vitriol. I am have 2 dc and am nearly always with 1. (No, I'm not at a spa or getting my nails done when I'm not with them. I'm at the grocery store or doing errands.) It's a convenience that allows me to take one kid to a playdate on one side of town while the other kid goes to another friend's or a class or the park. We can easily afford it and it's been great for everyone involved. We've had our nanny for years and she'll retire on this job.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 03:14 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]np: This is exactly the situation that I think makes sense. It's like you're a SAHM with one child, no nanny.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 03:46 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Yes! And I am often SAHM with 2 with me, but nanny does laundry or makes dinner so I can do baths or put out next day's clothes or whatever. It's a convenience/flexibility arrangement that works for us. I am able to give the kids undivided attention when they need it, which is great.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 03:52 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I am a sahm with a nanny for 40 hrs a week. I gave 2 children, one needs to go to therapies and school 5 days a week the other is barely one year old and my dh travels extensively for work and usually has a 12 hour day when in the city. I am always with one or the other child, and, in fact still breastfeeding the baby. I had a pedicure in June and my last haircut was before #2 was born. There is nothing i love more than being their mom, I give all baths, drop/pick up from school and cook when I can, but I cannot do anything well without the help of this woman, it is not a luxury it is a neccessity for me and for children's quality of life.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 04:08 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]not flaming at all. but you are very lucky to be in a situation where you can afford such a necessity.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 06:24 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I realize you are saying that it is not a flame, but it doesn't exactly feel like a complement. I have two points to make: 1) I am almost 40 yrs old and worked everyday up until my 1st child was born, I earned my own money and saved a lot of it, bought am apt, help dh pay for and get through grad school and did not have any help until dc 1 was almost 2, that consisted of 8 hrs a week of babysitting over 2 days, full time help was a neccessity for me when #2 was born and I'm the same year #1 strayed preschool and diagnosed with a disabilities all while Dh took in a new job that requires constant travel.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 06:40 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]2) I live in NYC, two hours away from my closest relative with no other support system. I don't think I would say I am lucky to be able to afford this, I would say I am smart enough to know that I cannot handle the demands of a high needs child and a baby alone and do anything well. I am also no martyr, I don't need a medal for this being hard, it's hard for me with help, but my children get two adults who are engaged with them, individual attention for great parts of the day and the benefit of a mother who doesn't feel completely alone and overwhelmed.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 06:46 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
You need to look up the definition of "necessity."
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 07:02 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
i was one when my dcs were not in preschool. once they are in school a housekeeper is better!
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 04:28 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I used to feel sorry for my friends with SAHM moms and full time nannies. Also I thought parents who took vacations without their kids were the worst. Honestly, now I have a lot more sympathy for their moms! We have taken a few vacations without our son, and if I were a SAHM I wouldn't feel TOO bad about having a full time nanny, if it gave me time to volunteer or work on my novel or whatever.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 04:35 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I realize you are saying that it is not a flame, but it doesn't exactly feel like a complement. I have two points to make: 1) I am almost 40 yrs old and worked everyday up until my 1st child was born, I earned my own money and saved a lot of it, bought am apt, help dh pay for and get through grad school and did not have any help until dc 1 was almost 2, that consisted of 8 hrs a week of babysitting over 2 days, full time help was a neccessity for me when #2 was born and I'm the same year #1 strayed preschool and diagnosed with a disabilities all while Dh took in a new job that requires constant travel. 2) I live in NYC, two hours away from my closest relative with no other support system. I don't think I would say I am lucky to be able to afford it, I would say, I worked hard to stay home with my kids and I am smart enough to know that o would suck at trying stretch myself to be everything to both of th right now.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 06:34 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]^^^^^Meant for above
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 06:38 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I think they are VERY LUCKY!!!
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 04:45 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Here's what I would LOVE: a full time house keeper who cooked, cleaned and ran errands and was an extra set of hands for helping with the kids when necessary. Ahhhh, a girl can dream!
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 04:48 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Yes, I have a friend like that. Full-time live-in housekeeper plus a nanny.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 04:57 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]OOH I wish I had that too.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 05:07 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]That's me. nothing wrong with that.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 06:41 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]you want an Alice!
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 06:43 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
1 full time nanny for 3 kids is a godsend!
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 04:50 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]amen.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 07:34 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I'd think they are the go-to gals for the best place to get manis/pedis.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 07:07 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]lol! I am a sahm with a nanny and haven't had a hair cut since march, or manicure or pedicure since august (one a year). i color my own hair on the weekends when dh can watch the kids for 45 mins. I have a great life, but can't see the gyn on my own! I love your sense of humor though! made my day.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 07:36 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I am a SAHM with a 1yr. old and 3 yr. old. We hired a nanny when my 2nd DC was about 3 months because it became clear that their very different nap schedules were in conflict and someone was always getting shortchanged. Either the older one had to stay home because the baby needed to nap or the baby had a terrible nap (hated to sleep in stroller and still fights it to this day) when I took them both out. Now that we have a nanny, both DCs get more of my attention since I am the one who takes them out to everything and the little one can nap and eat when he needs to without being dragged out for preschool drop-off, pick-up, gymnastics, playdate, etc. Likewise the older one is free to do more of those things. Because I always have one or both of the kids, the nanny also helps with housework and making lunch, which again, frees me up to give them more attention. I am fortunate in that I can SAH and have a FT nanny but once both DCs are in school, I can't imagine still having one unless I start WAH again.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 07:49 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Oh my, how does anyone handle 2 kids that nap differently without a full time nanny? Thjink of the moms all over the country suffering-
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 06:46 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]you don't have to justify. it's hysterical that anyone thinks she could judge another mother. jealous.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 07:29 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
More power to them, if they've got the money. They still get to spend a lot of quality time with dc yet also get time for themselves - probably the best of both worlds, like I say, if they can afford it.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 07:51 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]you are so right. it is the best of both worlds, but yet, there is still no time for oneself! I have three dc's and almost full time help. I have 2 hrs a week when i am not with at least 2 of the kids. it's not too bad this way though. full time would let me be more flexible making dr's appts, etc.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 07:25 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
sadly, if they have only one kid i am very judgmental. especially if the child is in school at all. i won't begrudge anyone soem help and i understand it if you have 2 or more young kids, but more than that and it almost always becomes a crutch and the mom doesn't spend a lot fo time parenting. Obviouisly soem familes have health or oterh issues that change this
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 06:34 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I think they rock! I have 3 dc's and sahm and I have almost full time help. I am thinking of hiring someone full time. I don't think it's anyone's business to be honest.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 07:22 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I want to be her. It'd be great. But honestly, I don't get it if the mom only has 1 kid. Or even 2 kds. But 3 kids and up, I totally get it if they can afford it. All the schlepping around and school obligations, playdates, lessons, etc. I don't see how they'd do it otherwise.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 07:34 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I have 3 but I would have gotten one for two. it's wonderful to not worry that your oldest has nothing to do while you're nursing, changing a new baby all day.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 07:37 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I'd rather sah & have a fulltime housekeeper/cook. She would pick of childcare slack when I needed it & I would still cook sometimes (I enjoy it but don't have much time) but I would never clean!
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 07:42 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I don't. So long as someone is not being abusive or neglectful towards their children, they can do what they please without judgment from me. For myself, I don't like having someone in the house all the time, not even my DH.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 08:03 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]That not only are they not generating to the household funds, but they're actually costing money.
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 08:37 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I find the responses to these types of posts interesting. Because obviously you're going to get the responses from moms with nine kids or SN kids or have disabilities. No one with one DC and do in fact go shopping is going to post here. It's like asking WOHMs what do they do for a living. I work at a nonprofit and I respond every time!
[ Reply | Options ]11.10.09, 08:42 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] New single adoptive dad here. Second question of the night. Does anyone know of a c... 8 replies
Talk : : November 08, 2009
New single adoptive dad here. Second question of the night. Does anyone know of a cook book for ‘cooking for two’ with make ahead recipes? I would like to cook over the weekend and freeze it for the remainder of the week. I am a fan of the America’s Test Kitchen and have all of their cookbooks, but was wondering if there was any type of cook book that had recipes for a week (and a consolidated shopping list). If no cookbooks, would you want to post some ideas for a weekly meal plan? Again, thanks! (PS My son will not eat seafood and is more of a ‘plain chicken breast’ type of kid, however he will try each item at least once to get his weekly allowance ?)
8 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.08.09, 08:36 PM [ Flag ]Not exactly what you're looking for, but Fresh Direct has a recipe section with links to ingredients (which would streamline the planning/shopping for you).
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 08:38 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I love fresh direct!! however their receipes are usually for families. I was looking for a 'meal plan' type of book to plan a week of dinners for two and then I would be on fresh direct. In the past I could eat the same thing each night, but times have changed. Thanks anyway!
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 08:43 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I meant to say, "larger families".
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 08:45 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]They do have a big kid friendly selection of recipes though, I would revisit it. Also the magazine Real Food or Everyday Food has a feature for cooking for the week that includes the shopping list.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 04:32 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I often start with this plan: we have pasta 3 nights a week, and then chicken, pork or fish, and beef dishes for three more, and of course, pizza one night. Good pasta dishes are a dime a dozen, easy to make, easy to freeze, and everyone loves them. The other three are harder to do in advance. Beef night, I rotate Tacos, hamburgers, chili, steak, and marinated steak tips. Only the chili can really be made ahead, but grilling a steak or a burger doesn't take long. A roast chicken is pretty easy to purchase on the day of at so many supermarkets, add cornbread and a bag of salad, and dinner's done. I could go on and on, but I'll stop here for now.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 08:53 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]There is a cookbook about this...but I can't remember the name..and a website too, cook once a week, or something like that? I am single parent too, and always in a rush at night to get dinner on the table, so I now make giant amounts, and freeze them. Especially if you have a kid with a limited repertoire, it is worth it, because you always have their favorite in the freezer, and they like to help cook at the weekend.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 10:15 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Try Monday to Friday Chicken!
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 04:45 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Robin Miller is really good for this. Even thought the planning is for a larger family, it's all about cooking ahead and planning. She has ways to make pasta on Sunday and use it during the week. Same for chicken cutlets that you use in subsequent recipes. I bake a bunch of fake chicken nuggets to have if I can't get dinner ready in time. I also make a baked ziti type thing to have on hand. It's less stressful to stay away from the stove if youy are the only one watching the kids.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 06:27 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] New single adoptive dad here. It looks like I am posting daily so thanks for your ... 10 replies
Talk : : November 08, 2009
New single adoptive dad here. It looks like I am posting daily…so thanks for your help. Here is today’s question. I have a babysitter each day for 2 hours. She is a freshman at NYU and is a great sitter. I have been using her for about 3 weeks as I recently returned to work. OK…here is my question. I have been in the habit of working from home some days and tell her not to come to work…but pay her anyway. Not a big deal as I can afford it, but I was just wondering what was customary. When you tell your sitter that you need her and then cancel, do you still pay her/him? If you do not, how many hours notice do you give your sitter? Oh, and lastly, what would be the customary holiday gift guide for your sitter? Thanks.
10 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.08.09, 07:38 PM [ Flag ]If you have a set schedule with the sitter (i.e. she's "holding" certain days/times) for you, then IMO you are obligated to pay her no matter what. If you'd like to move to a more informal relationship, where you make the schedule week to week, then no you wouldn't be obligated to pay her when you don't use her, but she wouldn't be obligated to reserve certain times for you.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 07:43 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Thank you for stating this so clearly. Just what I felt, but wanted to just hear that. I guess that it just comes down to treating people right and the way you would want to be treated. Thanks.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 07:46 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Glad to help, and yes, the old "do unto others" rule is always a good one...and I'm not even religious.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 07:49 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Agree with first poster--if she can't take other jobs during those hours b/c she has set them aside for you, you need to pay her whether she comes or not. As far as a holiday gift goes, depends on how long you have been using her--i am assuming since sept. I would say $50 would be generous; a $30 gift card would be fine too.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 07:45 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I still pay if i cancel last minute, but is i know a week or so in advance, I sometimes ask them if they can shift their hours to another day, or work longer one day, to make up. I always make sure they get paid what they were expecting to be paid though. Holidays, I give 1 weeks wages, unless someone has been with us for more than a year, then more like 2 weeks.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 07:48 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]If I know more than a week ahead of time, I will sometimes ask her if we can reschedule that week for another day that works for both of us. If I don't know way in advance, or if it's not easy to reschedule, I go ahead and just let her watch my son on the agreed-upon day or pay her. I know she needs the money since she is a college kid, and it is her part-time job. I use the time to do other things!
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 08:18 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]a dh: Agree with above 100%. If I'm off on one of the babysitters days, she still gets paid. Period.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 08:33 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]OP here--thanks everyone!
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 08:37 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]GL to you...I like you!
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 08:38 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I love reading your posts; you're such a friendly caring Dad and your ds is very very lucky to have your for a father. I've been in your shoes with the sitter thing, and I did pay her even if it wasn't needed as she was amazing and I didn't want her to commit her time to me and not follow through.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 01:36 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] Who else out there thinks all this gift giving for our young DD and DS's is completel... 58 replies
- but I still end up spending a load because there are so many people on the list. I really prefer to adopt a no gifts policy with friends and only give to children in the family. But I am probably a scrooge that way....
Talk : : November 08, 2009
Who else out there thinks all this gift giving for our young DD and DS's is completely ridiculous. For my DD's last bday I said "no gifts" on her invitation and the back lash I got from people was amazing! Am I the only one who thinks it sends the wrong message for a 3 yr old to receive birthday gifts?
58 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.08.09, 06:33 PM [ Flag ]yes you are alone on this. if you don't want gifts don't have a party and don't celebrate.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 06:35 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]that's a little extreme, no? I totally get the no-gifts thing, esp. in NYC where people have less room to store stuff. You'd need to do a constant purge to keep on top of all the stuff, not to mention most kids just don't need that many toys.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 06:37 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]a birthday party is important. the gift aspect is sick in this town
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 06:40 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I don't believe it has anything to do with NYC. My sibs in other cities also have parties for their dcs. As a kid I never went to a birthday party without a gift. The only new aspect might be the number of kids invited.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 06:46 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]In NYC, it seems to be a given that you will have a big party and you will get a lot of gifts. Seeing all these incredulous responses supports that. But I do agree that it's more generational than anything- we are a generation of excess.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 07:07 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
you don't have to not celebrate just b/c you don't have a big party. celebrate with your dc.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 06:52 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
i think the better message is not to make a huge party for a 3yo. (and i'm not flaming you or criticizing. i'm just trying to say why i don't like the 'no gifts' thing)
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 06:36 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]every kid needs to invite the class. not a huge party is impossible
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 06:41 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]a 3yo does not need to invite the class. why not just have a party for your family? invite grandparents if you want.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 06:51 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Putting "no gifts" on an invite is really rude.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 06:37 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]why? Why obviously she'll get gifts from her closest family, but, if is it necessary to get fifty gifts? Is it any different to do that on an adult invite- or just really rude on a kid's invite?
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 06:39 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]If you think about it the parties only last about 3 years then the number at each party tapers off so let them enjoy.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 06:43 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]NP- ITA it's like putting a registry card in a wedding invite. Mentioning presents on an invitation is just gauche
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 07:02 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I don't see why this would offend you.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 06:42 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
If your kid is old enough to appreciate a birthday party, he is old enough to appreciate presents. We did our first birthday party which also included non-family members at 4, and my son loved all the presents he got.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 06:40 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I don't know why other people would be offended if you didn't want your dd to get gifts? Why do they care? I applaud your attempt to avoid rampant consumerism.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 06:41 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]thank you. that's all i was saying. she's going to get some gifts, of course.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 06:43 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Why not just donate the gifts to charity if you really don't want to keep them? Giving gifts is often as much for the giver as it is for the recipient. Putting "no gifts" on an invite is tacky and obnoxious.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 06:45 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]tacky and obnoxious for a child's party? or for an adult's party?
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 06:46 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]For a child's party, I think. It's more appropriate for an adult's party.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 06:49 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
gift-giving has gotten out-of-control. Your dcs will have plenty of opportunities throughout their life to pick out gifts for other people. Getting 10+ gifts for your 3rd birthday is excessive, and that's tacky.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 06:48 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]it's not the gift giving that's out of control. it's the parties. instead of admitting it and realizing that they should change things, people just turn around and say its' the gift giving that's over-the-top and that's what should stop.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 06:56 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I would stop the excessive parties too, but you have to start somewhere. Right now, many of these UBers feel like their kids would be devastated if they didn't receive 20 gifts- these people aren't ready to cut back their parties.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 07:00 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]The thing is, some people have very small families or no immediate family close to home. Birthdays deserve a little celebration. There is no harm in inviting a few friends from preschool to a party and stating "no gifts" on the invitation. It avoids excess but still recognizes the day as special. Kids have WAY too many toys today. They would learn to use their imagination more with fewer.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 08:33 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I completely agree- I don't think anyone is railing against those type of parties.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 08:57 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
oh for pete's sake--I do not want to expend energy and thoughtfulness choosing a gift if the recipient is going to trek it to Goodwill the next day. There is NOTHING tacky about saying no gifts and I'd think that plenty of people would be relieved. If someone wants to make a donation to a charity or ask for one, then that's a separate matter.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 06:51 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]ITA. I do not understand how it is tacky to avoid excess. Excess is tacky. Yuck.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 08:30 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
ITA!! Saying no gifts is tacky and obnoxious.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 06:54 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]because?
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 06:56 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]what does ITA stand for?
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 06:59 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]i totally agree
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 07:01 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
It's obnoxious to let people know that they don't have to buy a gift? Huh? I understand why grandparents, aunts, etc., would want to buy gifts, but you can't tell me that the parents of preschool classmates are going to be personally hurt by not getting the experience of gift-shopping for a 3-year-old they don't know.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 06:47 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I really wish more people would do this. Of course, I went one step further -- party only for family. . .
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 06:46 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]me too. We stopped big parties after the 1st one. It's just a waste of money and my kids really enjoy their family birthdays so much more.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 06:50 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]um, don't know how old your kids are but my kids enjoyed parties with their friends much more than with family until they reached their early teens.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 06:05 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]10,9,7, and 2. I ask them every year which they would prefer, and they always choose the family event vs. a party with friends. We go out to dinner, go to a sporting event, cirque du soleil, amusement park, etc. - usually the child decides.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 06:51 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I went to a 4 year old party this summer and in lieu of gifts guess were given a card where they could purchase an animal for people in needy 3rd world countries. At the party the parents had a little board with pictures of sad children. They had the kids gather round and explained they were sad because they were hungry. Then they put pictures of the animals on the board. They explained these kids received your gifts. Then they took down the pictures of sad children and put pictures of happy ones. I thought it was beautiful. The parents all loved it too. Of course the db immediately family gave him a couple gifts so he had presents to unwrap because all kids like to unwrap presents.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 06:48 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Wow, what will yuppies think of next.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 06:50 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]wow--so "yuppies" can really do no right in your book? What are you--an old, rural non-professional?
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 06:52 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I've seen this done with requests for non-perishables for a food pantry, instead of gifts. The birthday boy delivered 20 cereal boxes to the local food pantry. It's nicer than gifts, but no gifts is fine with me too.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 06:52 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I live in CA and out of all the thousands of b-day parties I have went to I have NEVER seen 'no gifts please' written on a birthday invite. As kids grow they need toys that are more focused for their age. My 2 year old dd no longer plays with her 1 year old toys (that we still have out). I probably wouldn't go to a party that said that on the invite b/c I would feel odd showing up for a birthday without a birthday present. Plus toys are not the only thing people buy. You usually get some clothes and cute things and even some unique gifts that are great.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 06:51 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Oh nonsense. Are you the poster who "lives in CA and never wears socks"?
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 08:34 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I agree. As long as a 3-yo opens 3-4 gifts (say, from family) that should be plenty. My 4yo got her utility out of having her friends at the party and cutting the cake. She was bored by the time she opened gift #5.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 06:52 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Look at it from the flip side... I think it is nice to teach kids how to give thoughtful gifts. Plus, receiving gifts graciously is a learned skill.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 06:52 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]i think xmas gifts are annoying. They're just a chore and nobody gives a damn.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 06:53 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I could not disagree more. I put a lot of thought into what I get people, and get a real kick out of getting just the right thing.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 06:59 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Me too. Giving is a wonderful thing. It makes you feel good. I like giving gifts for any occasion.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 07:01 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]np: im with or on this. i have no time for this and the whole holiday revolves around gift-giving which isnt the point....
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 07:03 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I understand the feeling, but I think it's how you approach it. For me, it's a special chance to express my appreciation for those I care about.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 07:06 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I am willing to bet that those who feel warm and fuzzy about gift giving just have more money. It is really really stressful for me to give so many gifts at Christmas. My husband freaks out if I spend enough to buy a reasonable gift so I never can get someone something that I really enjoy giving... but I still end up spending a load because there are so many people on the list. I really prefer to adopt a no gifts policy with friends and only give to children in the family. But I am probably a scrooge that way.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 08:28 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]That is probably true in general, but I've always felt this way, even during very lean times. I'm sorry it's so stressful for so many.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 08:54 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I don't think it sends the wrong message, but I do think you could have something differently. If you didn't want the presents, you could have donated them to a shelter.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 07:12 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I said no gifts for my 4yo ds, but no backlash, still - a lot of gifts.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 07:39 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I understand. However, I think what is even worse are these big birthday parties for 1 and 2 year olds. I am so sick of going to parties and spending money for babies that have no clue what is going on.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 03:46 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I think parents are actually nuts to take away a fine time honored tradition. Children get presents for their birthday. Why is this wrong?
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 05:29 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]and thees parents who insist on no gifts are probably the ones that were probably the most spoiled in their own childhood. bday gifts don't make childrend spoiled or unappreciative - parents do. sorry.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 06:07 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
No. I don't think it is any different, because I remember giving and receiving gifts at birthday parties in teh 1970s in the suburbs. I still remember some of the thigns I received. It's a birthday party!
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 06:44 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]A close friend of mine recently did a "no gifts" on the invite for her 4 year old son. I ignored it and got him a small gift: a lollipop and a spiderman baseball hat. She told me that the night before the party, he talked about what gifts he might get the next day. I think she was actually relieved that at least a few gifts showed up. I'm pro gift giving and getting. It would actually be a nice move that after the party, any gifts that weren't loved by the recipient be donated to a local shelter. My DS is only 16 months, but I plan to do a yearly donation of toys after my next child has been through them.
[ Reply | Options ]11.09.09, 06:44 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] I am currently 25 and have been married for 4 years. We are NEVER having children th... 16 replies
- I have a friend like you. For 10 years, I listened to them going on and on about how they will adopt, and judging me as being selfish and wasteful. Now they have completely changed their minds, and at 40, are going through their 3rd round of ivf, because they left it too late. I am expected to commiserate and comfort her whenever she calls me...
Talk : : November 08, 2009
I am currently 25 and have been married for 4 years. We are NEVER having children there are already TOO many in this world, and also dieing from various diseases and crappy parents. Having a child in this world now is not only financial suicide, it's emotional suicide. My wife and I enjoy EACH other and want to afford to have fun and go on vacations. We don't want to be in debt for the rest of our life and have to worry every waking moment of your life taking care of a child. To make sure of this I got a Vasectomy 2 months before we got married. We didn't have sex until marriage due to our religions, and we have been happily married and having sex for the last 4 years. NO CHILDREN. No way, NO HOW.
16 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.08.09, 09:03 AM [ Flag ]why are you on urban BABY?
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 09:09 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I think he is having second thoughts
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 09:12 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]LOL. I love posts like these. They make me really really appreciate the man I married.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 09:36 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
OK, everyone is entitled to an opinion.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 09:31 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]ITA with other responders: good for you, you are entitled to your opinion, and why are you on Urban Baby? I didn't have kids until my '30s and I'd never be on a parenting site or even thought about it until I actually was pregnant. Go to some fun young couples site and post there, please, since you don't have anything to add to the conversation. On yes, and of course you are probably a fake troll. So no one post and give this guy the satisfaction.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 09:37 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]sorry, I think it is a troll, but people aren't going to leave it alone.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 09:41 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Putting my personal opinion aside, and since you didn't really ask any question, I wonder if there are other instances where humankind disregarded their genetic signals and urges, and it was to the benefit of society?
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 09:39 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]come back when you have that vasectomy reversed
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 09:39 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Good for you, I guess. Just hope in a few years when your wife's biological clock starts 'ticking' that she doesn't leave you for another man so she can have a family.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 09:41 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 09:42 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]ahhhh, you beat me to it!
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 09:43 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
fake.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 10:01 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I agree...not too many 25 yo men stumble upon UB to post their thoughts on children.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 10:05 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
You're probably a DH that wished he was 25 again and MADE those decision back then. Sorry, can't turn back the hands of time so just deal with the fact that you have kids and try to raise them well.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 10:09 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Probably best for all of us that YOU do not reproduce anyway. Even though I know this is fake. Since you have so much time on your hands without any children to care for, stop spending time on baby sites and go learn to spell.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 10:11 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I have a friend like you. For 10 years, I listened to them going on and on about how they will adopt, and judging me as being selfish and wasteful. Now they have completely changed their minds, and at 40, are going through their 3rd round of ivf, because they left it too late. I am expected to commiserate and comfort her whenever she calls me to say she got her period. Uggh.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 10:23 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] Single adoptive dad here. This will be the first Thanksgiving that my son (8 yo) and... 18 replies
- for you but I did want to commend you for thinking this way and for adopting an older child. So many older children need permanent homes, and I wish I...
- Most adoptive kids have never had a family holiday before and he might want to spend it...maybe volunteering where there isn't so much sadness may be better for newly adopted boy too....
Talk : : November 07, 2009
Single adoptive dad here. This will be the first Thanksgiving that my son (8 yo) and I celebrate together. I would like to start our family traditions on Thanksgiving to not be about the meal or excesses, but to reflect on our many blessings and to give back to those in need in our community. With that being said, are there any others here on UB that volunteer with any charities that could use two additional sets of hands this Thanksgiving? I would like to start this with the hope that it would become a monthly activity that my son and I could share together. Thanks in advance.
18 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.07.09, 08:00 PM [ Flag ]I tried this many years ago. Most organizations have too many volunteers for Thanksgiving. They told me, "we REALLY could use you any other day of the year." I would consider kicking off your volunteer initiative on a different day of the year. It's a nice idea, btw.
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 08:05 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I agree with this. So many times we forget that there are homeless and needy people 365 days a year. So many people volunteer to help during the holidays for many reasons but after that the volunteering stops. I would make it a monthly thing. Go once a month and help serve food to the homeless. Teach your kid that people need help everyday, not just on holidays.
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 08:19 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]i, too, have tried to volunteer in the past but found out it is a popular volunteer day and many places would rather have volunteers on other days. i don't mean to talk you out of charity work, but i will say though i was raised to give back to society, turkey day was always a day for my parents to love on me and just loaf around the house and show some non-distracted parental attention. sure, there are 364 other days to show parental attention, but there were always places to go/people to see/work to do that played a factor on those other 364 days.
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 08:25 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]ITTA! I like the monthly idea.... or even 4times a yr... or maybe pick your anniversary of becoming a family? DS bday? Other important dates to you as a family that aren't holidays.
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 08:27 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
nice post. there are a lot of soup kitchens in NY where you can go serve the homeless a meal on Thanksgiving.
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 08:06 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]You're a GREAT dad!! You could consider calling a retirement home and asking if they could use help with the serving of the Thanksgiving meal in any way they think possible.
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 08:07 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I don't have any specific ideas for you but I did want to commend you for thinking this way and for adopting an older child. So many older children need permanent homes, and I wish I had the guts to do what you've done - the right thing.
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 08:08 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Please don't take this the wrong way, but your post has me thinking....if anyone deserves a normal, plain, excessive, gluttonous Thanksgiving holiday this year, I would think it would be your son. I take holidays for granted because growing up, mine were always there, with our dependably boring traditions, etc. I've noticed my friends, who grew up in broken households, view the holidays for their kids as much more sacred than I. I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that maybe your son could use a few dependably boring traditional holidays under his belt.
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 08:18 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]ita
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 08:24 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Maybe set up tradition of volunteering in local park? Give thanks for the land, for nature etc? Maybe sweeter for dc than revisiting scenes of human sadness and dysfunction, which I am assuming he may has witnessed far too many of in his young life...
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 08:25 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Most adoptive kids have never had a family holiday before and he might want to spend it doing things he hasn't gotten to do yet. Make up some fun traditions that make him feel special and give him to day to be thankful but also to be grateful. Give him some time before the charity work starts. Let him be a kid b/c he probably hasn't had a chance to.
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 09:10 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
My college alumni association usually packs up dinners at a soup kitchen on Thanksgiving morning. I don't know the details, but you should check with your alumni associations as they may do something similar and need some help.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 01:53 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Why don't you volunteer the weekend before Thanksgiving? Since soup kitchens are inundated on that day it will give you the chance to help, the time to reflect and be grateful and the opportunity to start your own Thanksgiving dinner tradition.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 02:35 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]^^ I also agree maybe volunteering where there isn't so much sadness may be better for newly adopted boy too.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 02:38 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I dont have any suggestions to add but I just wanted to say that you sound like a great dad and he is very lucky to have you teach him this things.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 04:44 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]"these" things, sorry, its early.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 04:44 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Maybe you two could cook part of the dinner together and make that a tradition.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 05:41 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]ITA....celebrate being a family first, then add to that tradition by sharing with others.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 10:37 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] DH and I separated last weekend, after two years of TTC with no luck, and a few other... 62 replies
- Part of the reason we decided to split was our inability to have children together. He really wanted children, and he is hoping his young new girlfriend will be more fertile than me. I was willing to consider adoption, but he wasn't. Egotistical bastard only wanted a child that was really his. But I don't want him back....
Talk : : November 07, 2009
DH and I separated last weekend, after two years of TTC with no luck, and a few other issues. He met someone else, and moved in with her. Now I find out I'm pregnant. What are the odds of that? Anyway, do I even bother to tell him? I don't think I can raise a child with him, and I certainly can't do it alone.
62 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.07.09, 06:55 PM [ Flag ]of course you have to at least tell him, that's the decent thing to do
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 06:57 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I am sorry. How ironic. Are you happy to be pregnant? I think you definitely tell him. He owes you child support and besides, he will eventually figure it out. Will he insist on having contact with the child?
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 06:58 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Part of the reason we decided to split was our inability to have children together. He really wanted children, and he is hoping his young new girlfriend will be more fertile than me. I was willing to consider adoption, but he wasn't. Egotistical bastard only wanted a child that was really his. But I don't want him back.
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 07:07 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Well he sounds like a gigantic jerk. But you are going to have to tell him. Congratulations on being preggers though! That is exciting.
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 07:14 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
You separated last weekend and he already moved in with someone? I am sorry. I would tell him, it is his baby also. Hopefully you can work out an arrangement that works for everyone.
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 07:01 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Yeah, so apparently he's been cheating. Some girl that works in his office. I don't think he really loves her, he just wants to procreate.
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 07:11 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]would you forgive him?
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 07:13 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I think I could. I really loved him, but the last two years have been very frustrating and hard on both of us.
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 07:15 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]ttc is very stressful, as I am sure you know. I would try to work something out. Go slowly. Maybe he could get his own place and you guys could 'date' and rebuild your relationship?
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 07:17 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]So you suggest telling him now and getting him away from the new girl while we wait this out? Is it selfish for me to ask him to do that? What if I miscarry again, and end up just wasting his time?
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 07:28 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]If it were me, I would tell him now (I see below, others say wait it out) - if you were to have a mc, he can support you. You said earlier he just wants to procreate - what if he stays with this chick and she gets pregnant? This is your life - you know him, you know the details of your relationship, you need to think about how you feel about him. Would you want him back if you weren't pregnant? If you do mc would you want him around?
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 07:33 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]ITA. Tell him now. You can always separate if things are not right. But it will be better to get started on figuring that all out now.
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 07:35 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I don't know if I'd want him around if I have a mc. I would feel like such a huge failure, I wouldn't need him to rub it in. I think he would be a fabulous father, he really wants a baby, and so do I. We had a great relationship, I think the ttc was too hard on the marriage, and pushed him away.
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 07:48 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]How far along are you? Did you confirm with your doctor? Maybe meet up with him and talk about trying to fix things - see if he would come back for YOU. Then, like I said, take it slow, date, etc. and then tell him after a week or two?
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 07:50 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Just did an at home test this morning, missed period earlier this week, so not far along at all. I don't think he would come back for just me, but maybe me + baby. I'll try to schedule an appointment this week.
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 07:55 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]are you ok with that? He needs to want YOU AND baby, not you plus baby.... I am so sorry you are going through this - I would confirm pregnancy and then talk with him. I think in the long run you will not be happy if you think he doesnt want you....
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 07:59 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]He really wants a family, and we couldn't agree on ways to achieve this goal, if we couldn't do it the natural way. He wanted to use a surrogate (so the baby would be genetically his) and I preferred adoption. Something about surrogacy turns me off. I think if I had gave in and went with the surrogate, he would have stayed. I really had no idea there was anyone else in his life.
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 08:08 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]above you say "What if I miscarry again?" Have you miscarried before? He was not supportive? Have you had any testing done to try to find a reason for mc's? Reading all your posts, I do have to say that your DH sounds unusually obsessed with having a baby.
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 08:12 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Have mc'd before. Doctor said we didn't need to do any testing yet, we should keep trying naturally. If I mc this time, I think I would move forward with testing. DH really wants a family, and I love that about him. Just hoping it works out this time.
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 08:25 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Well I can tell that you definitely love him. Like a PP said, TTC is really hard on a marriage. I think you guys have a good chance of making things work out. You and your DH need to remember that a lot of couples try for some time to have a successful pg. One MC does not mean anything. Two MCs do not mean anything. Maybe start worrying after three. And relax. That is most important to a pg. That is why I think you should tell him now. Maybe you would be able to relax more? Do whatever will give you the most comfort and least anxiety right now.
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 08:36 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Wow. You wait until after 12 weeks or amnio if you do one, until you are sure it will stick, and you sue his a** off for child support and alimony.
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 07:02 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I agree, I guess I should really wait longer. Don't want to cause problems/consider taking him back unless this pregnancy goes full-term.
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 07:13 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]It will also give you time to figure out what you want to do for yourself. You might end up wanting to have the baby by yourself. But right now all you have to decide is whether or not to go ahead with pg. Am I correct in thinking that you want to keep it? BTDT, by the way, I split from dh while pg.
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 07:18 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I'm just not sure if I can handle it on my own. I'd probably quit my job and move out of the city, without DH's support. I have a job that I LOVE, and it's very rewarding, but I couldn't afford to live in nyc on the salary. Abortion has crossed my mind, although I've told myself I would never do that.
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 07:26 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Well, either way, you will have his monetary support for babysitter, expenses and so on, it is his kid. So you should be able to swing it financially...don't even think about turning your back on your career etc. That would not make you happy, if you love it.
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 07:31 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Very fortunate to have had dh's support in the past. I would leave this job to be a sahm. It's a job I loved, but only did it because dh made enough money to take care of both of us. On my own, I would let this job go, and take something less rewarding but higher paying (if I could even find it in this economy) if I were on my own with a baby.
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 07:38 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]See, this is where you lose me, because he will have to give you considerable child support/alimony if you finally split. So don't even worry about the job thing, leaving city, losing happy work life thing. That is unlikely to happen if you ask him for appropriate support(does not have to be contentious, big fight). Just write him a letter, with result from doctor, explaining situation. Ask him to think about it for a few days, and then arrange to meet to talk.
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 07:42 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Should I see ob first without him? Or tell him before the first appointment? If he still wants to be with me/have a child with me, he would want to go. But if he's over me already, I'd guess he has no interest in being a part of that, and a letter would suffice.
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 07:52 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Most OB's will not want to see you until 8 weeks..I am sure you know why, there is a chance of mc before then. But you should go get your blood work done on Monday, and again on Wednesday, to make sure your levels are going up properly. And make the appointment with the OB. It will be in a month or so. So maybe that is a good amount of time to think this all through. Don't forget to take your vitamins!
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 08:14 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I know, if I call for an appt with my ob, I'll be lucky to get in by 8 weeks. I'm traveling for three weeks around thanksgiving, so maybe I'll wait until after that.
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 08:41 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Well, I would tell dh, only if your levels are going up the right amount, so the end of this week. And have the doctor app booked for a months time or so, whenever 7/8 weeks will be. Congrats, I have a feeling you will have a new baby this time next year.
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 08:44 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
over you since LAST WEEKEND? i'm starting to think this post is fakety mcfakestein.
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 08:26 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]He clearly didn't meet this girl last weekend.
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 08:45 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I would say a letter, just to reduce stress and drama for yourself. You don't want to get all upset, and coincidentally mc, and always feel like that was the reason. Prioritize looking after yourself, and being kind to yourself.
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 08:28 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
ITTA!!
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 07:23 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]what if he knocks up the hussy he's shacking up with in the meantime??
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 07:31 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Well, that is a chance you will have to take. Or else you could just tell him now, but I would take a few days, and be sure of your plans for the future first. And take it easy. Try not to stress. Try to focus on the fact that you are pg, which is something you wanted. Don't let the situation spoil the pg for you.
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 07:33 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]op: That's what I'm afraid of too. Would be one of the leading factors in me telling him now vs. later.
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 07:34 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]for this reason alone i would tell him now. slow things down with the new girlfriend so you have more options.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 07:10 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Of course you can do it alone, and I am sure you very much wanted to be finally pg.
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 07:08 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I would tell him but I would wait to until after the first 12 weeks are over. You do need to tell him b/c it is his child and he might want to be part of his/her life. If he does, make sure to be civil to each other (if you don't want him back/he doesn't want to come back) for the sake of your child.
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 07:21 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I think you have to tell him right away. Like tomorrow. And then you'll have to do some serious thinking about your futures, but he must know or that could be held against you. It sounds like the past two years have been brutal and how ironic that now you're pregnant. I wish you well.
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 08:09 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I kind of agree. I think we have a better shot at working things out without the new girl in the picture. The longer she's around, the more attached they could get.
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 08:52 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Yes, tell him this week. Man, will she be pissed! B**ch.
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 08:57 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
fake
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 08:29 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]I was thinking that... not sure
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 08:44 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Each night there seems to be compelling soap opera like situation with clearly clever OP. Is it the same person....!
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 08:50 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]You know, you are right. I don't know though; this might be real.
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 08:52 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]It does sound too ironic to be a lie.
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 08:55 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]it might be this guy: http://babble.com/single-guy-YouBeMom-mother-of-three/
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 08:58 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Good one.
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 09:05 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Very funny!
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 09:10 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I laughed so hard I cut and pasted it into word. It makes me feel better that other people (who are not generally vile and vicious) have trouble staying away from the site. I have been battling this addiction for a long time :)
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 09:25 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]Maybe we will find it easier to give up if we know we are chatting with figments.
[ Reply | Options ]11.07.09, 09:27 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Going to tell him today, and let him decide how he wants to handle it. I couldn't sleep at all last night, way too anxious about his response.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 06:01 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]good luck! either way keep the baby, especially since it was hard for you to get pregnant. you i will not regret it. how old are you?
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 07:14 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I'm 30, he's 42. We are meeting tonight for dinner, he seemed eager to see me again, so maybe everything will work out. We haven't even tried fertility treatments yet, still have a lot of options. But hopefully we won't need them.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 10:52 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]np - Why would you want to be with someone who values you only for your ability to carry a child to term? If he's willing to cheat on you and then move in with another woman just a week after you separate - is he really someone you want to raise a family with? Don't you (and your future child(ren) deserve better than that?
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 11:20 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I think he's starting to worry we'll never have children, and he freaked out a little bit. A midlife crisis. I don't know how serious things are with this other girl, or how long it has been going on, but I think it's worth at least giving it another try.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 11:31 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Sorry to be curious, but why would you wait for two years without trying any other fertility methods, especially when it seems to be so important to him?
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 11:59 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]He's been tested, and everything looks good on his end. Had two miscarriages, stopped trying for awhile after the second. Plan was to give it one more try, and if a third mc/inability to get pregnant again, to go for treatments.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 12:06 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I would not tell him at this moment in time. But I could handle keeping the secret and I could handle being a single mom. I think when people show you who they are you should believe them. He has shown you. He's a jerk. Now, you got a beautiful baby out of the deal so it wasn't a total loss, but I would wait a very, very, very long time before I told ANYONE and I would definately not tell him for at least five months! Depending on his behavoir, I might not tell him at all until he was served for child support. Serve his nasty butt right.
[ Reply | Options ]11.08.09, 02:01 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
[+] When people post against gay marriage it seriously makes me want to cry. I have one s... 128 replies
- You are so melodramatic. If you son is gay (and OMG nice job deciding that for him already) he can adopt children even if he isn't "married" and he can still fall in love - I believe most of us fall in love before marriage and he can be in a loving relationship just like everyone else....
Talk : : November 06, 2009
When people post against gay marriage it seriously makes me want to cry. I have one son who I think is gay and I'm bleeding for him already. If he is gay (he's only 9 now) why shouldn't he be able to fall in love, have children and be in a loving, committed relationship like everyone else? Thank god he has us as parents but I still think that if there is a god, people who would deny this to any person should and will go to hell.
128 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]11.06.09, 04:37 AM [ Flag ]why do you think he's gay?
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 04:46 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]really, how can you tell if your child is gay? thx
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 09:44 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]You know what? Forget all these people. I'm a 38 yr old, straight mother of two small children and I think much of this bigotry will die out by the time your son is ready to fall in love, gay or not. The generation behind us just does not, thankfully, have this kind of intolerant attitude to the same degree. I have an 18 yr old half sister and she and all of her friends don't get how 'our' generation can be so phobic, so anti-civil rights for all. And yes, this means marriage. Ignore these mean, intolerant people. Good luck to you and your beautiful son. With a wonderful mom like you, he will do just fine.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 06:14 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I wish I had some more supportive word but I am 100% behind you. Love is for everyone, as corny as that sounds--why should only straight couples get to experience a formal marriage?
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 04:48 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]No one is denying him the right to fall in love or be in a loving "committed" relationship. And you shouldn't bleed for him. You should embrace his individuality and personality. Why is this a reason to be sad? Everybody has burdens and hardships. Do you think every AA parent is sad for their dc?
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 04:48 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]An AA parent has more rights in this country than a gay person.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 05:13 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]But open to waaaaaaay more blatant and subtle discrimination (no AA btw). And their difference is right there for the world to see, not discover. Who are you kidding. Except for marriage what rights don't gays have? Really getting so tired of this gays-as-victims chant.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 05:17 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Gay hatred goes back in history just as far as all kinds of bigotry.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 05:18 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]again. a black person has BLACK SKIN. you walk into a store, its as if you are wearing a sign that says "I AM BLACK." some people ignore the sign, others (racists with "bad vision") translate that as "I AM A MUGGER, RAPPER, CARRYING A GUN, AND WATCH OUT, I AM LOW CLASS." still. today. 2009. New York. I am not talking KKK Alabama here. that doesnt happen to Gay people. yes there are bigots. but IT IS NOT OUTWARDLY APPARENT.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 05:22 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]and gays can hide their identity that means they are less discriminated against? WHat a crock.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 05:23 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]ITA--I mean, hey--if they marry someone of the opposite sex and make sure not to play softball or own too many Broadway musical albums and don't try to join the military, I hear they can hide it quite well!
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 07:24 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
And just because you could pass (light skinned) does that mean you should have fewer rights? Discrimination against people for their color or their sexual preference (established over and over as inate) is wrong. Hey we even throw in there religion which is def. a choice.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 05:39 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
me too. I am not gay, and I am as waspy white as they get. I am anti-affirmative action. but PLEASE dont go comparing "discrimination" against gay people to discrimination against black people!!! one is blatant. and yes, whether we call ourselves all liberal and civilized or not, people do still discriminate, I see it all the time. I see black people walk into fancy stores, and the shopkeepers DO treat them differently. remember the Oprah/Hermes/Paris saga a few years ago? No, that doesnt happen to Gay people, because what makes them different (and might make other judgemental people look down upon them, righr or wrong) is not outwardly apparent. this argument is laughable.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 05:20 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]and as soon as somebody knows you are gay they change their attitude toward you. How is this any different? Sure, the gay person has the opportunity to hide his/her own identity. Is that what you are getting at?
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 05:22 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]as soon as someone knows someone is jewish, they are discriminated against (maybe not so much in NYC, but seriously). so, we have hate crimes legislation.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 06:05 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]shut up. you've high jacked this conversation. you have no idea what it means to be black OR gay. so just shut up
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 06:08 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
ITA. No one has to advertise the fact that they are gay if they don't want to. Its their choice. African Americans don't have that choice.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 06:57 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
I think marriage should be a religous ceremony. Religions could decide who they would and wouldn't marry. Government should have nothing to do with it. If we want to provide some legal rights for commit couples they should have a civil union -- gay and straight.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 04:56 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I posted this Wed. With you 100%.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 05:07 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]ITA. I am the Jewish OP from those threads, who everyone thinks is so anti gay people. Civil unions=great. equal legal rights (insurance and all that) = great. MARRIAGE should be a religious ceremony outside the courts jurisdiction.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 05:15 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Just to be clear, marriage is now a religious ceremony outside the court's jurisdiction. No court is going to tell your Rabbi who s/he can/can not marry in a religious ceremony. It is only the legal ceremony part where the state gets involved.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 05:21 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]right, take away that CEREMOMONY part. civil unions should be issued by states. "marriage licenses" or certificates or ketubahs or whatever it is you want, should be issued by rabbis, priests, pastors, imams, yogis, whatever.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 05:23 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]or: ship captains... don't forget ship captains.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 05:26 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]LOL--like "The African Queen!" I would love to have been married by a ship's captain...
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 07:26 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
yeah, but it ISN'T--get it? Your religious ceremony has nothing to do with the gay marriage argument, though there seem to be plenty of Jews who disagree with you.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 07:25 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I totally agree. I'm non jewish, non waspy, non AA and non gay. but let's have a little compassion here. Gays are HUMAN beings. they have all the feelings and desires than any of you have. Stop the hatred!
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 06:13 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
Yes, and then please rewrite every single law that refers to marriage to include civil unions. That's what gays want. They want to have the same rights as a married couple w/o the need to spend a lot of money on attorneys just to get those. They want one legal certificate that shows them they are legally "married" and very entity in this country should accept it.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 05:16 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Every government entity should. Why should tax laws car if the two "married" people are of opposite genders?
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 05:18 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Exactly. As long as every single law that is about rights for married couples does not include civil unions the easiest way around this is to just give gay couples a marriage certificate. That's the easiest way out of the legal mess civil unions bring.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 05:21 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]But the problem is the government co-opted the name of a religious ceremony. And because of that the "easy way" here is through a mine field. I, for one, am ok with taking the slightly longer route. The one that circumvents the minefield and arrives at the other side safe and sound.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 05:25 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Why is it so hard to accept that the meaning of a word changes over the course of time? There are so many other things that changed their meaning but none of these things ever brought so much controversy. It is discriminating.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 05:30 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]OK. So your argument is that the meaning behind words changes and doesn't really matter that much... I go back to my original point. Call the legal part a Civil Union, let everyone else call it whatever the hell they want and be friggin' done with it. At least this way we can ensure gay couples get the rights/protections they need.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 05:38 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Sure. Whatever is needed to make this all happen. It's just a matter of time anyway.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 05:41 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I'm not gay so I won't pretend to know the feelings of the gay community (although in truth, can any one person pretend to speak for a whole community? but I digress) BUT if I was gay, the issue to me would be getting the protection and rights. I don't think I'd give a shit what the state called my union. Now I might care about my church and all that but that is a non-issue here anyway.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 08:26 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]
How, exactly, would children naturally come from a gay marriage?
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 04:59 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]go f*ck yourself, you are intentionally missing the point.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 05:09 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]was thinking the same thing. It scares me that I will have to explain to my DS why "[ ] has two daddies," which is particularly why we chose more conservative schools for our kids.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 05:16 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]I find kids have no problem with it. We have a lot of families with gay parents at our school. They accept it in the same way they accept that some kids live with just one parent, or are being raised by a grandparent etc. You explain it simply and answer questions as they come just like other things. I find it best not to instill a judgment about these sort of things in my kids because I don't want them to look down on others for these sort of things.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 05:35 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]That scares you? Boy, parenting is going to be a hard long road for you.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 05:39 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]SO, let me summarize you. You want the world revolve around you so you have not much explaining to do to your children. Right.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 05:42 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]no. I want my childrens world to revolve around values and the value system we wish to bring them up with. included in that is the fact that homosexuality is wrong, plain and simple. living with a grandparent isnt wrong. nor is living with one parent (we are not catholic) as sad as that might sometimes be.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 06:07 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]YOUR values. I am glad the world is not according to you and you alone.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 06:11 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]right. our values. our money. our kids. our choice of conservative private school that is on the same page as us.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 06:26 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]YOUR values do not instruct others what to do. So, your wish that there are no gay relationships is bogus.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 06:33 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]but my wish to say that my kids wont have playdates with kids who have 2 daddies, isnt bogus, and hence, I chose schools carefully. and found one that fits our value system. no matter how 'flawed' it might be. we are religious and our religion doent allow for homosexuality, which is a sin.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 07:09 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]LOL--cannot wait to see how many of your kids turn out to be gay and then you can figure out how your religion "doesn't allow" that. It apparently allows total ignorance and foolishness.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 07:27 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]you seriously think people cant make choices in ilfe? some are harder than others. someone with the propensity to become an alcoholic can CHOOSE to control when they drink and what they drink. they can join AA. hell, there are even drugs they can take to help control their urges. yes. if one of my kids said they were "gay" or had gay tendencies, we would fix their problem. end of story
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 08:28 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]okay, now we know you are just trolling. or you are fresh from the sticks.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 09:32 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]you would "fix" the problem? Sorry--you are just hopelessly ignorant. Honestly, God help your children if this is how you think. You're setting your whole family up for a world of pain if you think you can control people to this degree.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 09:37 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]no, Im not trolling. I am just as serious about this as you are. I mean every word. you might find my views outlandish, but I find yours equally outlandish out in liberalville.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 09:52 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]hmm. worked for thousands of yrs just fine...
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 10:26 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]Jesus was the original liberal, IMHO. Honestly, I don't understand how a bunch of GOP'ers have co-opted the radical who stood with the poor, the outcast, the stranger, the criminal the sick, the unhappy...and now these folks who claim to love him are picketing Nancy Pelosi's office so that people don't get decent health care, voting for the death penalty and for a stupid, pointless war.
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 10:30 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]This is what I have to keep explaining to my Jewish friends to defend the increasing hate of so-called Christians. What happened to the religion of love?
[ Reply | Options ]11.06.09, 10:41 AM [ Flag | link to this post ]