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I am a single mom and I started dating this great guy, we've had 6 dates so far. Last night it was a date at his place where he made dinner. While there, he was showing me some photos etc. and it turns out that one of his close friends is the guy who date raped me 11 years ago. I didn't tell him anything, how do I? How do I bring this up?
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Well, I would wait until you feel the relationship is going somewhere. Then you have to have a "talk."
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ita, I would wait and see. If you guys get serious, then you will need to talk to him about it and see how he deals with it. I wouldn't have this talk until I was sure that I loved him and he loved me.
[ Reply | Options ]i kind of agree, but if he reacts in a way that you are not happy about (doesn't believe it or makes excuses), it would be devastating if you were in a serious relationship at that time.
[ Reply | Options ]yes, but what if the guy comes for a visit in a few weeks? and what if she falls in love and he doesn't believe her? how much would that hurt?
[ Reply | Options ]well, it would reveal his character and yes it would hurt, but she would know what kind of a guy he really is.
[ Reply | Options ]she should know this NOW instead of waiting and wasting time and getting MORE involved.
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i wonder if it makes sense for you to tell him about the rape itself before you tell him it was his friend. you may get a sense about how he would handle it by how he handles the first part. i'm so sorry for what you went through, and doubly sorry that it is coming back to haunt you now.
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a dh here: I would want to know at the beginning. I know my wants are secondary here. You should first do what makes you comfortable. But for a guys perspective: 1. I would want to know this about a guy I thought was my friend and 2. This is not going to be easier down the road. I would say, "Look, you should know -- I filed charges against "John Doe" for rape 11 years ago." How he reacts will tell you whether you want to spend more than another hour in his company. (And sorry for what happened. That sucks.)
[ Reply | Options ]How would you react if you were the guy in this situation? That you were being told that a good friend of yours date raped a women you were dating 11 years before.
[ Reply | Options ](I'd like to think none of my friends would do that...) I would want to hear OP's side. I'd give my friend a chance to defend himself. If I didn't believe him, I'd never speak to him again. It really is as simple as "No means no."
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but you might believe him. if he's really someone capable of this, he's probably also a very good liar.
[ Reply | Options ]OR (dh): I had a meeting. I think there is a level of logic that liars can't meet. I mean I knew this guy when this happened. I would not just say, "Hey, I'm dating Jane Smith. You remember her. The woman you raped." I'd play it out. To be clear. I do not think that women make a lot of false allegations about rape. I think that for the most part, where there is smoke there is fire. That said I also think that somebody I have called friend much of my life deserves to defend himself and his name.
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Here's the story. If you could react to it if it was your friend, etc.....I met the guy through mutual friends. I had a job in Omaha and didn't know many people there. Had a few good dates and on the 3rd date, I started getting sick. He took me home and got me upstairs, etc. He was helping out a lot. Well I was in bed and he came in and lied on top of me and started kissing me adn he said that he knew I was faking and wanted him. I kept telling him no and pushing him off me and he undressed what he needed to, held me down and raped me.
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I am really not sure on that one. I am pretty sure it was my allergies, based on how I was feeling and all of that. It was the same as other allergy attacks. So I have never been confident if he had drugged me.
[ Reply | Options ]OR: I never quite understood why we as a society started classifying something like this as "date rape." What you describe is rape. Period. Good luck. I hope this works out. I don't envy you the position you are now in.
[ Reply | Options ]the difference, I think, is that the OP knew her rapist vs. being a total stranger, but I agree that the damage, on many levels, is the same. Good luck OP...this is and was horrible for you. I would tell the guy sooner rather than later. I think the advice that you say something like," you know the pictures of your friends you were showing me...there is one that looks an awful lot like X. When I lived in Omaha, I went on 3 dates with X & then tell the full story." I think it will be much worse to not tell the guy if you continue to be involved. I do think the DH on here has given good advice to you.
[ Reply | Options ]yes, please do not do any of this game-playing nonsense. i'd tell him the very next time you see him and just say how shocked you were last time, which is why you didnt say anything in the moment. you have nothing to be ashamed of, so I don't see why you wouldnt bring it up at the get go. good luck.
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