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Tonight I'm at a big mom's group function and making small talk with another mother. She asked me if I worked, which I do, I asked her if she worked and she said, "No, I'm a SAHM. I'm fortunate in that way." Do all SAHM's think that WOHM's work because they HAVE to?
42 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]When I tell some people I am a SAHM they respond negatively so someone once told me to rephrase it and say "I am fortunate that I get to stay at home with dc." It's not a slam to WOHM's but it is to protect us from getting slammed by others. There is really nothing bad you can say (at least I haven't heard anything) to somebody that says that.
[ Reply | Options ]Well, the way she phrased it implied that I was less fortunate. The way you phrase it above, is definitely different and non-offensive.
[ Reply | Options ]Could she have been saying that not everyone is lucky enough to stay home or was it something in her tone? I realize how fortunate I am to be able to SAH and know that not everyone is, of those who actually would want too. maybe she just didn't phrase it right. Although I realize not everyone is up to the challenge of taking on children full time, I am no stranger to the fact that it is not typical today. I try to be non-offensive whenever I can but maybe she was caught off guard, that's why I asked about her tone. It's not really what you say, it's HOW you say it!!!
[ Reply | Options ]Do you not realize you are being offensive by saying "I realize not everyone is up to the challenge of taking on children full time"? That may be true but it is not the reason all women who WOH work. Some women just made a different choice than you did, not because they couldn't handle being a SAHM, but because the selected a different option. I can't believe you made this statement while talking about how you try to be non-offensive.
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don't be so sensitive. i think she simply meant that she chose to be a sahm and is fortunate that they can swing it financially.
[ Reply | Options ]ita. Sometimes it's hard to know where someone else is coming from and especially if you've just met. It was probably a mistake to word it that way, but I doubt she assumed anything or meant any offense. Fwiw, I say completely idiotic things every time I'm in a social situation. I get really nervous to meet people and always end up second guessing something I've said once I'm home.
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I think that unless she said something overtly offensive, I would give her the benefit of the doubt. SHE feels fortunate that she gets to stay at home. Others feel unfortunate that they can't afford to WOH due to the cost of childcare and their earning potential. Others feel fortunate that they CAN afford childcare and don't have to SAH. Others feel unfortunate that they cannot afford to SAH.
[ Reply | Options ]If somebody says something like that, I would assume they felt a little defensive and uncertain about the choice that they had made. It would be the same as if a WOHM had said to a SAHM, "Yes, I work at home. I'm very fortunate in that way." It's a tacky thing to say, but I would mostly feel sorry for them.
[ Reply | Options ]She was just saying that SHE feels fortunate to be a SAHM. If someone else expresses happiness with their life, that doesn't necessarily mean that they're passing judgment on yours.
[ Reply | Options ]NP: I think it is a very rude thing to say. If someone asked what you did and you said "I am independently wealthy--I am very fortunate that way," it would also be rude. It is great to be happy with your life, but to express your self-satisfaction to others, especially those in a different situation, is extremely thoughtless.
[ Reply | Options ]Is it thoughtless or rude to substitute the word "blessed" for "fortunate?" I'm having a hard time understanding why people are offended by this. It's not like they're saying they're fortunate because they're so much better than you.
[ Reply | Options ]I feel blessed that my child is healthy but wouldn't say that to a parent of a sick child. The woman knew the other woman WOHM and the use of the word blessed implies the other WOHM's situation is inferior.
[ Reply | Options ]You have to consider the situation above--they had just met one another. If the second mom had said she was a SAHM, and the first mom said, "Oh, how lucky you must feel!" Then it would be appropriate for the first mom to say, "Thanks, I feel very fortunate" or blessed. But it is a little strange, when announcing what your career is, to volunteer the information that you feel fortunate along with your job title. The same would go for a physician, a priest, a day trader, etc.
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To view it as rude, you have to perceive the opposite thing as a negative (being rich vs. being poor in your example, or working vs. staying at home).
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Some people are fortunate (LOL) enough to really love what they do. My mother, for example, says she doesn't plan to ever retire (she's a professor).
[ Reply | Options ]I work because I love my job--financially, I could easily stay home. Many of my friends work because they, too, love their jobs and feel they are doing something important. Not everybody works because they have to!
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I hated working and being away from my kids. Now that I am a SAHM, I really do feel quite fortunate about it. I know some women prefer to be at work, but I do find that mentality slightly difficult to comprehend.
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this is funny. once my mom told another mom that she stayed at home, and that mom quickly said "oh well, some of us actually have to work for our money!"...my mom felt really bad, so then the next time she met another 'WOHM', she said something like "yes i do stay at home, and i'm grateful for this opportunity" to prevent that. I think the lady might have had the same intentions. -*
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