UrbanBaby - my friend got caught having an affair. p...

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my friend got caught having an affair. pain to her dh, her child etc is enormous. not that she doesnt deserve blame/ridicule. but kills me that the guy gets away with it while her life falls apart.
34 replies
- New York City
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11.20.09, 11:53 AM [ Flag ]
- how is it in any way his fault?
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  11.20.09, 12:01 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
  - the other guy? he had an affair too. yet his family stays intact.
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    11.20.09, 12:02 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    - eyeroll please. blame god while you're at it - sheeesh.
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      11.20.09, 12:03 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
      - eyeroll? you dont think it sucks that she suffers what TWO people were complicit in? are you a man? or have you gotten away with an affair to?
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        11.20.09, 12:05 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
        
        do you think that will help your friend or her husband?
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        11.20.09, 12:32 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
        
        the other guy was lucky that he got away. but that's a separate issue. she cheated and she should have thought about the consequences before...
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        11.20.09, 03:28 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    - You think his wife is any happier than your friend's husband? 2 married people having an affair means 2 families are at risk.
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      11.20.09, 12:06 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
      - his wife doesnt know. and while i doubt shes happy shes definitely not in the pain my friends dh is
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        11.20.09, 12:07 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
        
        and the second she learns the truth, she'll be as miserable as every other person with a cheating spouse.
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        11.20.09, 12:30 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
  - what happened that her life fell apart? He kicked her out or soemthing?
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    11.20.09, 12:02 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    - nothing will be the same. dh is staying but is angry and distant. she remains unhappy. whole thing is bad. affair wasnt an answer. but this is bad.
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      11.20.09, 12:06 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
      - If no one can get over it it will never be fixed tell you friend to leave. There IS life after divorce you know. Why are people esp. women so afraid of divorce?
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        11.20.09, 12:08 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
        
        gt question. i think my friend was hoping the affair wd make her dh see how miserable she was. it only served to make them both so- i think she should leave.
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        11.20.09, 12:11 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
        
        because no one likes divorced women w/kids. men don't like dating them. and women see them as threats to their own marriages.
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        11.20.09, 12:39 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    - Well that should answer many women's question about what to do if they catch dh has an affair. Apparently consensus seems majority of men won't forgive. Why should women?
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      11.20.09, 12:07 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
      - i think women tend to look the other way far more than men do. i cant believe the number of women i know who admit they think their dh has had affairs but they like their life and so they stay silent.
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        11.20.09, 12:09 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
        
        Women fear divorce, men revel in it.
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        11.20.09, 12:10 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
        
        so true. I work at a hedge fund and over heard a cpl partners talking about another analyst getting divorced. youd think the guy won lotto. they were green with envy
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        11.20.09, 12:12 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
        
        Of course, for men getting married is losing the race for women its winning it. Men would love another shot to race the horses.
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        11.20.09, 12:13 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
        
        whats funny is that they ALL have the same complaint- they feel like their wives chased them- wooed them and as soon as they got them they do nothing. you know things are bad when these guys say "i dont care about the money i just want out".
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        11.20.09, 12:14 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
        
        I am a lawyer, 80% of the men want out but every year they hold off to see where they can put their money or if they can shift it somewhere during a year they make a small bonus. Sad.
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        11.20.09, 12:16 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
        
        really sad. have to say the whole thing- and listening to these guys makes me realize that as silly as date nights and time away from kids may seem its vital to keeping a marriage together
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        11.20.09, 12:19 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
        
        NP: Wow, you all have a pretty cynical view of marriage! Most of the guys in my family, my male friends, and the men I work with are pretty happy in their marriages. Including the ones in finance! I don't think marriage is easy for anyone, but a lot of people really value companionship and love their families. I don't understand this wives chasing men and then doing nothing thing... I guess among my friends, both members of the couple work and help take care of the kids, so nobody is "doing nothing."
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        11.20.09, 12:21 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
        
        Sounds like you aren't friends with a lot of your male coworkers then. And male family members are not going to tell you how unhappy they are. No cynical, realistic.
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        11.20.09, 12:28 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
        
        Yes, friends with a lot of male coworkers. And we work long hours and talk about lots of things. Marriage problems definitely come up, but like the women I work with, in most cases men want to work on the problems and stay in the relationships they are in. To assume that most men are just biding their time until they can bolt seems unrealistic to me!
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        11.20.09, 12:32 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
        
        everyone likes being in a happy marriage. it's staying/ending a bad one that's the issue. when spouse becomes a diff person from the one you thought you were marrying, that's the problem.
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        11.20.09, 12:42 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
        
        maybe that's b/c sexual fidelity isn't the entire picture in a fulfilling life or a happy marriage
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        11.20.09, 12:22 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
- some people get caught...some don't...your reaction is absurd
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  11.20.09, 12:15 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
  - when two people do something wrong it seems unfair that only one suffers. how is that absurd?
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    11.20.09, 12:17 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    - b/c fairness has nothing to do with this...she got caught & suffers the consequences...she wasn't forced to have the affair...are you saying that you want everyone who has ever cheated to get caught so families everywhere are ruined just b/c that's what happened to your friend?
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      11.20.09, 12:20 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
      - yes. i want everyone everywhere to suffer. good god. this man pursued a woman who was lonely and sad and took what he wanted and fled when things were found out. im allowed to want HIM to deal as she has to.
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        11.20.09, 12:22 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
        
        so your friend is a victim...i see
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        11.20.09, 12:32 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
    - ITA... I understand that the woman was OPs friend but OP has an incredibly skewed perspective on this. It's terrible that her friend's husband and DC are dealing with this. But wishing the same on the male adulterer's wife/kids in the spirit of "fairness" is just hateful.
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      11.20.09, 12:37 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]
- Either the fakest post or pointless anyway BUT i can't resist: OP,The man isn't married to her family or mother to her children. The saddest part of such stupid betrayal is how the 'other person' is simply highlighted as NOT being part of THEIR life. The guy/man/other/doesn't play into the ugliest problems.
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  11.20.09, 12:42 PM [ Flag | link to this post ]

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my friend got caught having an affair. pain to her dh, her child etc is enormous. not that she doesnt deserve blame/ridicule. but kills me that the guy gets away with it while her life falls apart.

how is it in any way his fault?

the other guy? he had an affair too. yet his family stays intact.

eyeroll please. blame god while you're at it - sheeesh.

eyeroll? you dont think it sucks that she suffers what TWO people were complicit in? are you a man? or have you gotten away with an affair to?

do you think that will help your friend or her husband?

the other guy was lucky that he got away. but that's a separate issue. she cheated and she should have thought about the consequences before...

You think his wife is any happier than your friend's husband? 2 married people having an affair means 2 families are at risk.

his wife doesnt know. and while i doubt shes happy shes definitely not in the pain my friends dh is

and the second she learns the truth, she'll be as miserable as every other person with a cheating spouse.

what happened that her life fell apart? He kicked her out or soemthing?

nothing will be the same. dh is staying but is angry and distant. she remains unhappy. whole thing is bad. affair wasnt an answer. but this is bad.

If no one can get over it it will never be fixed tell you friend to leave. There IS life after divorce you know. Why are people esp. women so afraid of divorce?

gt question. i think my friend was hoping the affair wd make her dh see how miserable she was. it only served to make them both so- i think she should leave.

because no one likes divorced women w/kids. men don't like dating them. and women see them as threats to their own marriages.

Well that should answer many women's question about what to do if they catch dh has an affair. Apparently consensus seems majority of men won't forgive. Why should women?

i think women tend to look the other way far more than men do. i cant believe the number of women i know who admit they think their dh has had affairs but they like their life and so they stay silent.

Women fear divorce, men revel in it.

so true. I work at a hedge fund and over heard a cpl partners talking about another analyst getting divorced. youd think the guy won lotto. they were green with envy

Of course, for men getting married is losing the race for women its winning it. Men would love another shot to race the horses.

whats funny is that they ALL have the same complaint- they feel like their wives chased them- wooed them and as soon as they got them they do nothing. you know things are bad when these guys say "i dont care about the money i just want out".

I am a lawyer, 80% of the men want out but every year they hold off to see where they can put their money or if they can shift it somewhere during a year they make a small bonus. Sad.

really sad. have to say the whole thing- and listening to these guys makes me realize that as silly as date nights and time away from kids may seem its vital to keeping a marriage together

Sounds like you aren't friends with a lot of your male coworkers then. And male family members are not going to tell you how unhappy they are. No cynical, realistic.

everyone likes being in a happy marriage. it's staying/ending a bad one that's the issue. when spouse becomes a diff person from the one you thought you were marrying, that's the problem.

maybe that's b/c sexual fidelity isn't the entire picture in a fulfilling life or a happy marriage

some people get caught...some don't...your reaction is absurd

when two people do something wrong it seems unfair that only one suffers. how is that absurd?

b/c fairness has nothing to do with this...she got caught & suffers the consequences...she wasn't forced to have the affair...are you saying that you want everyone who has ever cheated to get caught so families everywhere are ruined just b/c that's what happened to your friend?

yes. i want everyone everywhere to suffer. good god. this man pursued a woman who was lonely and sad and took what he wanted and fled when things were found out. im allowed to want HIM to deal as she has to.

so your friend is a victim...i see

ITA... I understand that the woman was OPs friend but OP has an incredibly skewed perspective on this. It's terrible that her friend's husband and DC are dealing with this. But wishing the same on the male adulterer's wife/kids in the spirit of "fairness" is just hateful.

UrbanBaby Asks...

Are you expecting something special from your dh for Valentine's Day?

Boards Help

UB Like it's 1776!

Video: Cooking With Grandma Gigi