[-]It irks me to no end when 2nd or 3rd wives complain about the child support that their husband provides to his other kids. Just this morning, a 2nd DW SAHM was complaining that her DH has to pay $2000 a month to his first wife for child support and it will be a long time since DH has 3 kids under 3 (one hers). Now you do the math..DH seems to have the 3rd one in the works with current DH when poor ex-DW was in labor (never met ex-DW). Had to vent!
11 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]Next thing you know the ex might want him to pay for school for his children...they might even dare to ask for health insurance!!! ... no seriously did you smack this women upside the head?
[ Reply | Options ]OP - I really wanted too. I am happily married to a DH, first marriages for both but I was soo annoyed at her, kids are expensive, $2000 a month won't even take care of preschool for 2 kids. Almost suggested she volunteer to watch them everyday since she is a SAHM to help reduce the payment but then I felt sorry for the kids.
[ Reply | Options ]
I am so happy that my DH pays child support and beyond for his two children from before our marriage (we have a 2 year old DD.) How could anyone begrudge this? They are his children! Paying child support is the right thing, legal, moral, cosmic, karmic and otherwise, to do. So is welcoming the children into your home & life with an open heart.
[ Reply | Options ]My mother was the first wife. I remember my father's second wife always complaining about their finances. Which was hillarious because their house was pretty nice and they ate well. We had nothing. My father asked her to take me shopping once when I got to high school, for every sweater she bought me she bought 2 for her niece (they didn't have children).
[ Reply | Options ]I am that 2nd DW. I understand DH has to pay child support, and have no problem with that. I've even offered them money to put sds into private school if his parents want. However, DH's ex-wife does not work at all and complains that she doesn't have any money. She always asks for money but won't show DH receipts or overlook her finances. And she cheated on him, so it really shouldn't be his job to pay for her hair cuts, pedicures, etc. If she wants those luxuries, she should work for it. sds is 9, so he's in school all day.
[ Reply | Options ]
[-]our elementary school has an open school policy, meaning you can drop off and pick up in the classroom in every grade, you can eat lunch at school with your child anytime you want, and you can observe class anytime you want. My friends tell me this is very unique. Is it? Does anyone here have kids at a school with this kind of policy?
45 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]-
-
-
-
OR: That's such a crude insult - maybe i'm naive b/c my dcs are still young, but i think it's nice to still be a part of their day ONCE IN A WHILE. why if someone disagrees with you do the insults fly?
[ Reply | Options ]np You don't have to have school age kids to know this is a ridiculous idea. Think back to when YOU were in school. Think about how it would have been if parents could show up "anytime" they wanted. Either ALL the parents would be there a good chunk of the time or a FEW of the parents would be there consistently--which would make the kids of the non cling-on type parents feel bad that their mommy doesn't live at school, too.
[ Reply | Options ]OP has already said it's a private school and the school wouldn't permit disruption or allowing a parent to show up "anytime." Thinking back to my elementary there were Moms around, volunteering at the office or a bake sale. of course i wouldn't want a rash of parents taking over, but a hard divide btwn parents and school at such a young age I don't think is necessary.
[ Reply | Options ]NP- having moms around at the school voluteering or whatever is FINE, having them stop by the classroom whenever they feel like it is something very different all together! And as a former teacher, NOT FINE and very disruptive.
[ Reply | Options ]Huh? She states above: "...and you can observe class anytime you want." That's the very definition of showing up "anytime", imo.
[ Reply | Options ]
-
-
-
-
That's the kind of policy that sounds great, but really is terrible. What schools really need is a bunch of parents hanging around all day? Please let your children grow up!!!!!
[ Reply | Options ]Op here -- IME, no parent hangs around all day, not even in K. But I like that when I am at school for some other reason, whether it be a committee mtg or dropping something off in the office, I can stop by the classroom and hang out in the back for a few minutes. I have also had lunch with my kids maybe twice a year, again, when I was at school for some other reason. As far as I know, my amount of time in the classroom is pretty typical. And I don't think drop off and pick up in the classroom is disruptive. Again, when the door closes (there is a 10 min drop off time) I've never noticed any parents staying in the classroom. I don't think people take advantage of it.
[ Reply | Options ]All it takes is for one helicopter parent to be in dc's class & it becomes a problem. Even if it isn't your dc, you might think about the dc who has a single working parent who really isn't able to drop by for lunch, etc. I would be sad for that child.
[ Reply | Options ]OP again -- it's a private school, so if any teacher felt a parent was being disruptive in any way, the school would handle it. And I don't think policies should be aimed at the lowest common denominator. But IME, it's not the kid of the single working parent who never has anyone at school, it's the kid of the socialite! But again, that isn't a reason to prevent all other parents from occassionally being there.
[ Reply | Options ]My dcs attend private also and I would not want this policy. I think it is great if everyone has the chance to sign up once a year to come by pre-planned but I see your dc's school policy being more trouble than it's worth. I can think of at least 3 parents off the top of my head who would wear out their welcome by October.
[ Reply | Options ]
i think it's a great policy...means they have nothing to be ashamed of in the way they are teaching your child(ren).
[ Reply | Options ]
The whole idea of elementary school is that it is where your child goes to be educated and socialized. It is NOT a place for parents to be popping in. Let your kids have their own space!
[ Reply | Options ]-
ITA - this is a terrible policy, I don't think very common (have never heard of it) and would hate if my school did this. I think the kids whose parents were never there would feel bad. I WOHM FT and its hard enough for me to be at DC's school during work hours for assemblies, performances, PT conferences, book parties, celebrations, sports events, etc. I do try to make most of these important things but if I felt some kind of (even unspoken) obligation to be there more often - because other parents were, or whatever, it would really stress me out.
[ Reply | Options ]I am also a FT/WOHM and I think I go to the same school as OP. I actually love the policy b/c while I am rarely at school (my kids take the bus to and from school) when I do have to be there for something like what you mentioned, I love that I can then stay for lunch or just hang out a bit before or after and observe. My kids have never given me the impression that parents are hanging out all day. I know a lot of parents are there for drop off and pick up, but a fair number of kids take the bus and my kids have never said they feel bad about me not being there more often.
[ Reply | Options ]-
-
I'm outside of NYC, but our local neighborhood public school is relatively open. You don't drop off or pick up in the classroom, but you can just walk into the office and have lunch with your child whenever you want. Also, depending on the teacher/year, most classrooms have parent volunteers for literacy or math -- I don't see these volunteers as Helicopter Parents. The teachers love the extra help and it helps to alleviate the ratios
[ Reply | Options ]
-
[-]How much money do you have in savings (not including retirement accounts)? Just curious.
40 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]
[-]Is there some kind of medication I could get to help me through a brief, very stressful period? Not looking for long term meds, but could use a little help getting through very stressful visits with dying relative. Does such a thing exist? do I ask my regular doctor?
17 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]See a psychiatrist to discuss. I have heard of people starting anti-depressants during especially stressful times.
[ Reply | Options ]don't really have time to meet psychiatrist, full time WOHM. don't want anti depressants. just a pill that could work like wine or martinis, take the edge off, but not get me drunk. can't be drunk at bedside. but would like to be slightly removed. don't need to develop coping techniques. this is just a bad situation I need to get through. would like to do so medicated.
[ Reply | Options ]np: again, would recommend meeting with a psych b/c what you're looking for may actually be wrong for you. it may sound counterintuitive for you but often depression (complicated or caused by grief) causes anxiety and sedatives (that's what you're asking for) may actually be very wrong for you. Or not... hard to know without asking to see a doctor, psychiatrist first choice, if not that, then your GP.
[ Reply | Options ]
-
-
Probably xanax would work, but I wouldn't do it if I were you. I think the negatives outweigh the positives, since it is addictive. I know people who have been perscribed xanax for grief and it has helped them get through it but the dosage just keeps going up and up and then you get dependent. I wouldn't not want the added stress of having to wean myself off it.
[ Reply | Options ]-
-
Reminds me of a friend I have who was trying to figure out on her own which med she needed. I am all for taking these when necessary, but you work w/a psychiatrist in this situation, not on your own
[ Reply | Options ]I'm not depressed. just really stressed out. but not because I have a chemical imbalance--because lots of bad things are happening to me. (objectively,not paranoid). I want something that can help me get through a couple brutal weekends (deathbed, funeral) and then go off and be normal again. Talking to a psych is an endless loop--everyone has "issues". I may have issues, but right now what I need is like an epidural for the mind, short term, relieves pain.
[ Reply | Options ]
[-]Completely off topic: need a new watch and would like a good one. Here are my criteria: st. steel (so I don't have to take it off), elegant but not standard in-your-face status symbol (read: Rolex, Cartier)...any advice for me? Thinking maybe Omega but would love ideas. TY!
5 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]-
[-]If 15yo DD wants to have sex with boyfriend and asked for help with birth control, would you allow it? She has known this boy since they were 8yo and been officially dating for about 1 year. Both good kids, responsible, etc.
134 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]Yes, definitely. Look, she is going to have sex with or without your "permission." That she asked for help with birth control shows that she IS a good, responsible kid--clearly she understands the risks. Would you rather have her have unprotected sex behind your back or would you rather know that she is doing it in a safe way?
[ Reply | Options ]-
yeah, because that works sooooooo well. Say what you will--why is it the kids of "libbo" parents who always seem to turn out fine and the right-wingers' kids are always freaks or pregnant at 17?
[ Reply | Options ]let's see, latest poll shows that "libbo" Obama's support among black's is over 88%. Guess all those studies showing astoundingly high teenage pregnancy rates, huge numbers of single parent black families, high incarceration rate, high drop out rates, low numbers attending college, high incidence of drug abuse, etc., are examples of turning "out fine"
[ Reply | Options ]-
It was always the kid whose parents never let him have a taste of alcohol as a teen who wound up in the hospital with alcohol poisoning first semester freshman year of college. It was always the kid whose parents refused to discuss sex openly and provide access to birth control who wound up sleeping around and engaging in risky behaviors. People are being so naive on this thread, it's astounding.
[ Reply | Options ]
-
Yes. My mom did NOT do this and I had to go to Planned Parenthood alone. It was scary and had no impact on my decision to have sex or not.
[ Reply | Options ]It should be "scary." If you are ready to act like an adult, you better be grown enough to sit in a planned parenthood office to get some free birth control.
[ Reply | Options ]or: scary part was an abnormal pap result, not the getting the birth control. and the bottom line is teens are NOT adults and often do make decisions they are not "grown enough" to make. silly to assume that all teens having sex are emotionally and experientially as mature as adults. as a parent you can take the stance of "if you do this adult thing, then you do it alone." but the result won't be that your child will abstain, just that they are more likely to have sex without birth control.
[ Reply | Options ]wow, this was my experience with planned parenthood too! abnormal pap, didn't get BC. would have been amazing if i could have gone to my mother. incidentally, i was told that "when i was ready" my boyfriend and i would be mature enough to go into a drug store and buy condoms together. so for the posters that think that is encouragement to wait, that's exactly what i did. at 14.
[ Reply | Options ]
-
Really? If going to planned parenthood is "scary" then you are not old enough to be having sex. What don't you women understand about this? You daughter is so young that she still giggles when the word penis is said allowed, yet if she asks for birth control you'll gladly take her to the doctor? Sit down and have some firm discussions on the topic!
[ Reply | Options ]
I would put her on birth control but would explain the risks of sex besides pregnancy. IMO 15 year old is too young.
[ Reply | Options ]that's amazing that she told you. definitely help and stay close. what a great job you've done with her.
[ Reply | Options ]OP: Is there any way to change her mind? She is a logical person and gets that this is a special experience but in no way feels she is too young. She says they have thought carefully about this. What arguments might I be able to calmly make?
[ Reply | Options ]This is tough. I had sex at 15yo. Don't regret it, but do wish the experience had been more meaningful emotionally. The only argument you can really make - which I'm sure you already have - is that this is the one sexual experience in her life that she does not get to repeat or do-over. That this is a guy who will always be a big memory for her. Is this how and when she wants to have this memory? I don't think it will help much, though.
[ Reply | Options ]well, because it sounds as if it would be meaningful--sounds like a serious, loving relationship. ITA though--I'd emphasize to her that this is IT--it's a big deal and it does change everything. But I don't know...sounds kind of idyllic to me in a way.
[ Reply | Options ]Get a grip. Idyllic isn't a 15 yr old child having sex with anyone. I am constantly amazed by parents believing that 15 is mature enough. I'm far more inclined to believe the most mature adolescents are the ones with actual information,whom choose to abstain from risky behavior.Teen sex is risky behavior.Sex isn't child's play and hormones are a source of confusion.Pile the modern posture of teen society atop the young adult physical appearance of these children and a skewed perspective results.OP, I think too many parents are too impressed and grateful when their teens confide in them.Clearly, she's looking for more than access to birth control.Consider your options well.Education is powerful;Be a strong teacher and don't condone this-even...
[ Reply | Options ]Just explain to me--how is loving, meaningful sex within the context of a long-term relationship "risky?" She's asking her mom for birth control--clearly there is careful planning and thought going into this--this is NOT the kid who's going to end up pregnant. And what on earth does the "young adult physical appearance" of these "children" have to do with anything? 15yo's tend to look like...15yo's. You seem to be bringing a lot of your own personal baggage to this question.
[ Reply | Options ]No,I'm bringing my opinions regarding the societal illusion that teens are somehow young adults; they're not-they're children. Children should be educated well and openly, regarding sexual interaction and it's implications,consequences and possible risks-beyond pregnancy,stds and socioemotional confusion and difficulties.If having years of experience providing educational resources and counseling to adults and children of widely varying ages is "baggage", then I'm packed.Providing choices and options for intimacy and strengthening bonds is universal and adopting an assumption that this provision of birth control is respectful and accepting of 'what is inevitable' is a total copout.There is more to offer.
[ Reply | Options ]There are some major differences in our basic perceptions of what constitutes "careful planning and thought","long-term-relationship" and "NOT the kid who's going to end up pregnant".Whether you are a parent or not,have boys or girls, the facts are the same when it comes to teens.They are not adults,whether some exercise more sound judgement.These are years when kids need strong,adult support and guidance to navigate their complex paths.Loving and meaningful aren't joined at the hip here and meanings are many.I'm coming from a socioemotional and developmental angle here.I'm simply suggesting the parent exercise some complex,analytical thinking-within herself, so she may fully examine how to best support her child during this time-and moving...
[ Reply | Options ]We'll have to agree to disagree. A fifteen-year-old is not a child--she is indeed a young adult. Of course the paths to adulthood are complex, but having sex or not having sex with her bf is not necessarily going to be the defining fact of her adolescence. A teen who trusts her mom enough to discuss her risky behavior and how she's planning to mitigate the risk is demonstrating a certain level of maturity, as well as a healthy relationship with her mom. Your judgments here seem to entirely fear-based --sex is bad and dangerous, etc. etc.
[ Reply | Options ]
I had sex at 17 and don't regret it. At the time I did love the boyfriend and he really is a wonderful person. It was a mutual, loving, respectful situation and we learned together in a very safe way (both physically and emotionally). Absolutely. That said, having had sex once DID pave the way for me to have some other sexual experiences which weren't so great in college. I think you should stress that to your daughter, losing virginity is a big deal but so is every single other choice you make to go to bed with someone. I think it is amazing that she can talk openly and honestly with you about it OP, how great is that!? You're clearly doing something right! Kudos.
[ Reply | Options ]When I was a teen, the knowledge that no form of bc was 100% effective scared the crap out of me. The idea of getting pregnant was so terrifying... It's great that you can talk to your daughter about this stuff. I would say that having sex is a grown up activity that carries with it some very grown up consequences. Before having sex, she should think about her maturity/ability to deal with both the sex and the possible consequences.
[ Reply | Options ]I actually think it's cool that she spoke with you about it but I also think you should speak with her about condoms. Maybe it's her first experience, is it his? He's 15 too, I assume? At around the same time the sex thing happens, so does drinking and drugs. If he cheats on her, and winds up giving her an STD, she will be screwed for life. I would take that route and hope for the best. And, I do think 15 is just too young. And sex without condoms at any age is just insane. She needs to understand that and if she doesn't, she is too young for sex.
[ Reply | Options ]
As the mom of two DDs this post KILLS me. I know it's not unusual but I so hope my girls will wait. But yeah, definitely get her the info, etc she's asking for -- denying it isn't going to make it go away.
[ Reply | Options ]15yo is so young. We're not talking about a 17 or 18yo who is having sex (which I don't condone either), we're talking about a 15yo. Way too young. I would counsel her on this and try to buy a couple years. She needs to be reigned in. It's great that she has an open relationship with you, but there are times when mom has to say no.
[ Reply | Options ]-
-
-
In OUR culture?You must be kidding.There is a very slim population of 15 yr old children with full time vocation(outside school and texting),supporting themselves with necessities-shelter,food,clothing,etc.Pregnancy happens.A 15 yr old on bc hormones is sad.There is way too much developing going on in the body to mitigate w/that crap.Condoms break,are often not used and 15 yr olds are children with other very important priorities.15 is a kid-Not a man or woman.
[ Reply | Options ]
-
-
yes - and without a doubt much too young to have a baby. so she needs birth control. wake up - how would op feel if she got the girl to "promise" and then in six months, she's pregnant. obviously have a conversation, but it is better to be prepared if things are heading this way.
[ Reply | Options ]
-
-
-
Graduated from B in 2003 (yes, I am only 25) and just my 2 cents. 15 is VERY young. I didn't hear of girls having sex until summer before senior year. At 15 (or hell, even 25) she will have no idea of the emotional repercussions that come with having sex. And having sex so early in her HS experience is a terrible idea. If it gets out she will be labeled a whore by the mean girls. Your DD sounds too close to this boy. They've been dating for a whole year at 15? How is her social life aside from this boy? If I were you, I would let her know of her options for birth control (Planned Parenthood and OBGYN) and have her make her own appointment and arrangements. If she wants to take this step into adulthood, she shouldn't have any hand h...
[ Reply | Options ]Not only does the teen couple sound too 'close'; OP is certainly also too close.I get queasy when I hear that line of description:Known each other since they were 8yo,exclusively dating for the past year.WTF???Clearly, OP thinbks it was okay to not discourage exlusivity and boyfriend/girlfriend dynamic.That is just crap.
[ Reply | Options ]ITA! I would not be encouraging a steady and exclusive (or any!) boyfriend relationships at this age. She is too young to be having sex. Considering that she has shut out most of her social circle in order to be steady with a boy, she probably is lacking the social maturity that most teens are attaining at that age. You need to get her to take a step back from this relationship and start experience emotional relationships with her peers. No reason why a 15yo should be in this situation.
[ Reply | Options ]
Here's a thought: tell her that if she's ready to do it, and feels adult enough, then she needs to tell her father. Get her the birth control anyway though. It might postpone it for a year or so. I could have NEVER told my father at that age because I was still 'daddy's little girl.' If she feel that way too, then maybe she's too young.
[ Reply | Options ]This is a great idea, OP. IMO you should tell her that if you help her get on birth control she will have to go to her father just the same way she came to you as this is a joint parent decision. Let's see if that doesn't cool things off for awhile. I never could have gone to my dad. I think 15 yo is way too young to be on bc and having sex - from this do you want to consider that she could begin sleeping around? Give it serious thought. If she wants to be sexually active, why would you think she'd stop with the young bf?
[ Reply | Options ]Are you naive enough to think that NOT getting birth control is going to STOP her from having sex?
[ Reply | Options ]no but if she has to go to dad for permission too, it will definitely cool the flame. as a parent i doubt if i could help get bc for a 15 y/o but i could use some tactics to stave it off. aids is a serious concern and eventually she'll move onto other boys and at that age, i don't think they are responsible enough to protect against aids. condoms serve the double purpose.
[ Reply | Options ]np: the point is that she wouldn't go to her dad...she'd just say "thanks a lot, mom" and moved on w/o out the help, communication & sense of trust in her mom
[ Reply | Options ]wouldn't your dh feel betrayed that you put her on b.c. without his knowledge or permission. my dh would have a fit if he weren't informed. and don't forget, b.c. doesn't take away risks of aids which a 15 y.o. may not have the scope to understand, esp. at the mood of the moment when/if she's with a new bf that you don't know a lot about. why not suggest condoms?
[ Reply | Options ]
You have obviously done an excellent job of raising your dd since she feels open enough, and responsible enough, to come to you. Get her the birth control and keep the lines of communication open.
[ Reply | Options ]problem is once her dd gets on bc, the lines of communication will probably shut down and OP will not know who else she may be sleeping with, esp. after dd and bf break up. AIDS is a serious and real threat. i wouldn't do it until she's old enough to understand the ramifications of not having safe sex.
[ Reply | Options ]you are living in a dream world if you think not getting her birth control is going to prevent her from having sex. the point is, she needs to be protected and educated about birth control.
[ Reply | Options ]There is absolutely no reason to assume that her daughter, who is being open and communicative and trusting now, will suddenly stop being so. What you're saying is just scary to the OP when what you really mean is "I don't know."
[ Reply | Options ]OP SHOULD be scared as I would be too. I knew people who have died of aids and her daughter needs to understand the dangers, especially since bc will be an invite to sleeping with whomever she wants. I'd talk about condoms but not anything unprotected at this young age.
[ Reply | Options ]why on earth would having sex with her bf of a year, whom she's known since age 8, when she is actually TALKING to her mom about it lead to "sleeping around" and AIDS??
[ Reply | Options ]I know! I can't understand if the moms supporting this line of reasoning are totally scared s*tless themselves, or if they are just trying to scare OP because it's an anonymous board. How on earth are the children going to have healthy relationships with their own sexuality if they're being scared by their parents every time the topic comes up?
[ Reply | Options ]
You've answered your own question. YOU know your daughter, not anyone on this board. You said she and the boy are good kids, they're responsible. You said your daughter was open and honest with you. You said they are in a committed relationship with one another. You were a good enough mother to raise her to be those things you just named and to pick a partner who also shares those qualities; you are a good enough mother to follow your instincts on how to handle this.
[ Reply | Options ]This is a hard one. I've always been of the mentality, that the first time you have sex, it should be with someone meaningful that you are in love with. Usually that happens later, but sometimes it happens at 15yo. I would get DD birth control, HOWEVER, I would also talk with her about why she wants to do it now as opposed to waiting (and I don't mean for marriage or even 18, but just longer to make sure that the relationship is everything she wants it to be). Finally, I would talk to her about the very real consequences of having sex, even safe sex and even sex with excellent birth control. The fact is that you have to trust your partner 100% and that any sex can result in pregnancy and that she needs to know that her partner is on th...
[ Reply | Options ]np: I agree with you. I also think it's important to raise the implications of what friends/other boys would think if they knew she had sex. Not to put too fine a point on it, but would she be labeled a slut, would she be comfortable if other people knew. You can say it doesn't matter what other people think, but at that age (really, at any age) it is an important factor.
[ Reply | Options ]Oh good, so we raise our girls to be confident and not succumb to peer pressure, and then we use peer pressure and the opinions of others when it's convenient to suit our purposes to get her not to do something? What kind of mixed message is that??
[ Reply | Options ]OR: i may have been 15 a while ago, but IMO, unless you are running w a really conservative (religious) crowd, having sex w a boyfriend that you've been with for over a year is not particularly frowned upon. as much as i dislike it, "slut" is usually a label for the promiscuous - the girl who has sex w lots of guys or any guy she dates for a week, etc. no one spends a whole lot of time thinking about couples who are having sex in long term relationships (and in HS a year may as well be an eternity). but i WOULD add, that OP's daughter should be reminded, that even if she DOES choose to have sex w this boyfriend, does not mean she needs to have sex w the next one, just bc she's "done it already" which i think can sometimes happen w teens.
[ Reply | Options ]
I'm less worried about the physical complications of sex than I am the emotional ones. The hormonal changes she is going through right now are not helping her think clearly. I remember being 15 and being EXTREMELY randy, although I didn't have a BF to experiment with. Sex is going to super charge her thoughts and emotions about this guy and about herself. She's not physically or mentally mature/experienced enough to navigate those waters. She needs to focus on high school, her grades, her interests, her future and less on this guy. I hope she will listen if you tell her this. Signed someone who was too young at 17.
[ Reply | Options ]I am an adolescent health educator and I just want to throw in my two cents. From my experience, I think you are doing an amazing job. The fact that she is talking to you about her decision shows great maturity on her part. I also think that many of the responders are being really naive about what adolescents do and do not know. If she's put this much thought into consulting her mother about her birth control options, I'm sure she has given at least some thought to the risk of sexually transmitted infections. Make sure she talks to her partner seriously about what his risks are. If he's already sexually active, impress upon her the importance that he be tested before they do anything (it will set up a good pattern for her sexual safet...
[ Reply | Options ]unfortunately OP, it is not a question of allowing it or not. she has come to you asking for help with BC. she wants your involvement, but the fact is, she is going to do this, with or without your approval and permission. therefore, even though it makes you cringe, best thing for your DAUGHTER is to be supportive and helpful. otherwise she will find another way. youd rather be in the loop, right? FWIW, I am pretty religious and did not have sex til marriage, and hope my kids do the same. but if she is coming to you - this is where she is at, whether you like it/approve or not.
[ Reply | Options ]-
right! she is coming to her mom because she needs a confidant, someone she can trust. if the mom says no, I refuse, or no, I do not approve, she is going to do it anyway. so wouldnt it be better to be on your DD's team?
[ Reply | Options ]depends on what "being on her team" means. Giving her all the information but making her walk alone is on her team enough in my book.
[ Reply | Options ]ok, whatever. read my original post above- I believe in abstinence til marriage. I am devoutly religious. but OTOH, if my kid came to me with a request like this one- sending her out in the dark would be shooting myself (and her) in the food. but then OTOH I am one of those horribly spoiled kids whose parents paid for college. and who will spoil my kids by doing the same. so whatever. I cant believe people would do what you are suggesting. I understand (somewhat) refusing to talk about it/help because you don't condone it. but I think make up ur mind - one way or the other. what you are suggesting is unfair to e/o.
[ Reply | Options ]i didn't know one of the side effects of abstinence until marriage was illiteracy. i didn't suggest anyone send her out in the dark. i suggested giving her a flashlight, but sending her alone.
[ Reply | Options ]wow! no need to attack me! and I think giving a kid a flashlight and sending them out alone is what you do when a kid is 24 and asks you for money to go to Aruba after you provided them with an education and home for x years. not to 15 year old who is OBVIOUSLY wanting you TO HOLD HER HAND.
[ Reply | Options ]-
great. but I am still stuck on your first "says you guru" response to me. of course the daughter is not just coming to mom for BC! she is coming to her MOTHER because she trusts her and wants (and needs!) her help. I think it is pathetically sad that parents (in any situation, not just this one), leave their kid in the dark with a candle or whatever your dumb metaphor was. she is a kid for gods sake!
[ Reply | Options ]-
Right, that was me. I also didn't say to send her out unsupported. I'm suggesting support via information,accompaniment to appts,etc. BUT am advocating that the mother give ALL the information possible. The OP has made it clear that she's proud of herself for developing and maintaining a trustful relationship with her daughter.I'm not saying she shouldn't be there; I'm suggesting she provide more depth to the situation and show support.I know this is important and believe she should be prepared when engaging in sexual behavior-just armed with more options than BC.
[ Reply | Options ]
-
-
-
you can't really stop her, but if she's "woman" enough to have sex, she should be able to do the bc thing by herself. tell her all the information, but send her to pph alone so that she can see the termination patients, etc. don't go with her.
[ Reply | Options ]This is ridiculous! Scare tactics don't work because teens really and truly believe that nothing bad can happen to them. What kind of mother are you that you want your daughter to be traumatized by her first GYN experience? Way to set her up for avoiding taking care of herself in the future! Jeez...she's coming to her mom for help because she trusts her. If she throws her under the bus, that trust will be gone and she'll never come to her with anything again.
[ Reply | Options ]trauma? not trying to scare anyone straight, or throw anyone under the bus. they can't have it both ways, sorry.
[ Reply | Options ]both ways? u mean make decisions that might be wrong or stupid, but want a parent to stand by their side anyway? I am the mom who was abstinent til marraige from above. there are lots of things I did that were very different than what my parents wanted, and they didnt say-fine, you want it that way- do it yourself. she trusts her mom. I agree with the OP, and I feel bad about her DD wanting to have sex at 15- WAAAAY too young. but her saying - bad dumb decision, I am not helping you, will not stop DD from having sex. so it only alienates her from her DD and might cost her big time in the long run.
[ Reply | Options ]
this is terrible advice. exactly what my mother made me do. i was buying my own bc at 14 and not close to my mother. it's taken me years (i'm now 30) to talk to her about really personal issues.
[ Reply | Options ]because they're (listen for it) PERSONAL, not because she made you go get prescriptions filled on your own. that said, when will they make the connection if you hold their hands. sex is a big step. what you're saying is that they're big enough for the act and all its benefits, but not the potential consequences and the mechanics of it all. that seems like terrible advice to me, but we can disagree.
[ Reply | Options ]well, thank you for so quickly assessing the dynamics of my relationship with my mother. my point was that if a young girl is given a relatively easy marker like "get a scrip yourself" as a pass to the adult world of sexual relationships, it will reinforce her idea that she is ready. and, it has the added step of removing the parent from the decision-making equation. as i said, i made many, many major life decisions without even a word to my mother, who had made me feel like i was grown up enough to be on my own. i wasn't, btw.
[ Reply | Options ]
make her watch a Sixteen and Pregnant marathon. Seriously, talk to her about just how young 15 is. Help her choose a birth control but make it clear that a condom is also necessary but get her to committ to waiting at least six months. She will regret this.
[ Reply | Options ]^^also, ask her what bf's parents think. I would be all over my 15 year old son to wait. If you think it is too young for dd imagine how young it is for a ds. He will tll all his friends and your dd will be branded as easy among all the boys. Guaranteed her next boyfriend will know and expect it right away.
[ Reply | Options ]I think the focus on boyfriend's perspective is an important omission from much of this. Regardless of the maturity of your dd, for they boy, this experience will almost exclusively be about "getting it". I was a VERY good kid (Eagle Scout, valedictorian, letter winner in sports, Ivy bound, hospital volunteer, team leader of choir, etc.), and even for girls I respected, my only sexual thoughts were much less noble. Just as long as she understands that no matter what her boyfriend says, at some level she will just be a PR (penis receptacle).
[ Reply | Options ]I totally agree and I am female. Talk to your dd about other ways to pleasure each other that carry less emotional baggage and risk. Ash her if her bf has told HIS parents and what is HE doing about birth control, birth control is also HIS responsibility and I'll bet his parents will not respect her if she sleeps with their son at 15.
[ Reply | Options ]
np: these posts depress me. i have boys and i am teaching them to respect girls. that sex is not something to just get done. and i would never NOT respect their girlfriend just bc they were having sex with her!
[ Reply | Options ]-
it depends on the circumstances. although it's a few years away, i cannot say i would universally NOT condone it. the girls i know who had serious boyfriends in HS whom they had sex with (sometimes as young as 15yo) all had great first time experiences and don't regret it. the friends i have who regretted it were the ones who did it to keep a boyfriend or bc all their friends had done it or bc they thought it would make them popular.
[ Reply | Options ]
-
I agree with posters above about discussing the repercussions of having sex, especially at 15. The biggest thing I would worry about (beyond pregnancy and STDs) is her reputation. Kids talk and this boy might be great right now but there is no telling what will happen if they break up- what he will say about her etc. I don't know- I guess she could deny it --- whatever, make sure you tell her that it's NEVER a good idea to videotape yourselves having sex - going out on limb here- where are they going to have sex exactly? Her bedroom? His bedroom?, movie theater bathroom- they aren't old enough to drive so it can't be the back seat. Anyway, bottom line is that if she decides to have sex, you might as well get her the pill. She sounds ...
[ Reply | Options ]Ask her how she will feel to read about it on facebook. There is no proptection from the viral nature of information (in addition to the other viral issues that a condom can help with). Her reputation cannot be rehabilitated and I don't care how responsible they both are, they will each swaer two friends to secrecy, who will swear two friends to secrecy, and so on, and so on, and so on. What's the rush? She can be intimate without this. Wait until they can both handle emotionally.
[ Reply | Options ]She sounds like a great kid, OP. I'd start with the fact that you really appreciate her coming to you for help with this and you'll definitely help her with that. But I'd also talk with her about any fears that you have for her - honestly - diseases, reputation, emotional repercussions, etc - and talk with her about she is preparing herself to deal with all of that. NOT because you're trying to tell her what to do but because you want her to be prepared. The one place I'd "lay down the law" is using a condom - and since you're treating her respectfully otherwise, I bet she will.
[ Reply | Options ]Mom of 15 yo dd here - I had sex for the first time at 16 myself, first time and "first love" for both of us. I'd talk to her about the emotional repercussions of deciding to have sex but would abide by dds decision and bring her to gyn so she could discuss birth control and decide on a method. I would however insist that they use condoms no matter what.
[ Reply | Options ]
[-]Help on nanny selection -- what would you prefer for a 3 yo-- a nanny in her late 20s, with a college degree, childcare experience in schools and as part time babysitter, or nanny in mid-late 30s, sterotypical "immigrant" nanny background-- i.e., no advanced degree, but lots of experience caring fulltime for kids? Not sure what is better. TIA.
17 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]-
-
there is no one right answer to this. there are benefits to both. i think if you have no plan to have more kids and you don't need much help in the house, the former is going to be great for an older dc - probably has lots of energy and willing to take him out and about for activities, adventures, etc. OTOH, may not be as good if you have a baby or if you need someone who can cook meals and things like that.
[ Reply | Options ]-
-
What is your dd's day like? I would hire the educated nanny, as she will provide additional enrichment to your dd's day. Is there a huge price difference? I have the latter, but I am a sahm and provide my dd's enrichment outside of school. Her nanny just works weekends when she's at her dad's house, and covers if I have a doctor appt or on the rare days that I work. If I had to work FT, I'd want someone who could offer my dd what I can offer her.
[ Reply | Options ]OP: I am really torn because we've had the latter category for 2.5 years, and it has been excellent, but I think DD (who is 2.6 years, going to 3s program half day in the fall) needs more stimulation than our current nanny is giving her. We are both WOH parents. Catch is that we want to have baby #2 sometime next year. Keep on current nanny in anticipation of that, or just make the switch to the younger nanny and take things as they come? TIA. Really torn and appreciate the advice.
[ Reply | Options ]I would keep current nanny. I think if older dd is in preschool and you are doing things with her, that's plenty of stimulation. Of course that assumes that nanny is not plopping her down in front of the tv and ignoring her all day - that she takes her to the park, on playdates, the bookstore, the zoo, etc. I'm not of the belief that preschoolers need an adult engaging them during all waking hours - in fact i think that that can be detrimental to their learning to play independently, think creatively, learn to alleviate their own boredom.
[ Reply | Options ]
experience all the way. education does not a better nanny make. if you think it does, then you are saying that every single mom without a college degree should not be a mom?? I dont get it. keep current nanny. have her take older child to the park, the zoo, b&N, etc. sign her up for a class close to your house 2x/wk for some "intellectual stimulation." but no reason to switch nannies over this
[ Reply | Options ]one of the smartest kids i know has a "stereotypical"(career) nanny, loving and warm and not college-educated, and parents are never around to boot. go for experience, interest, warmth, happiness, unless you want a governess. some of those college-degree ones are the worst, yacking on their iphones and on the computer every chance they get -- young children need someone patient and loving, not someone with an advanced degree biding time until they can get a real job, a part in a show, or a gallery opening.
[ Reply | Options ]
-
[-]The SAHM/WOHM debate is a false debate because it's a false choice - how many women do you really know who either want to be shut out of the workforce for 20 years OR work 50 hours a week when they have a newborn?? Instead of judging and criticizing each other, we should be putting pressure on our government to require employers to give us a spectrum of REAL options. FT to PT back to FT, flex working, job sharing, temporary WAH, etc. Parents should be able to be family oriented and professionally ambitious.
105 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]I've been able to work PT and it's worked out really well. It's a shame that other women don't have this option. I spend a lot of time with my dd, but still have my career that I established before she was born.
[ Reply | Options ]-
I'm just saying, I have been able to do what op has proposed, and I am VERY happy, and I think it is good for my dd. I was agreeing, and think it would be great if women in publishing, banking, teaching, medical field, etc has these options. I know some do, and some don't. I don't mean to be smug, but I am very happy with my life.
[ Reply | Options ]
-
I work in fashion. I have certain times of the year when I'm busier than others. And I'll often work 3 really long days, which can be hard. I'll usually go to work before she gets up and come home after she goes to bed, but it's not often.
[ Reply | Options ]That's great. My SIL is a vet and she has similar options. I work in media and feel pretty boxed into a f/t job.
[ Reply | Options ]I work in media too, and PT or Flex time is much less of an option. And I think it should be less of an option, frankly. Medical, customer serivce jobs and probably tons of other industries can do just fine with PT help but for industries that operate on a M-F 9-6 work week, I don't think it's productive to have people working half time, leaving work undone, doing work from home when the rest of the industry is in offices... it just upsets the balance. But in the industries where it can work, I applaud it.
[ Reply | Options ]What type of work do you do that you find this schedule so difficult? Not trying to be smug, I just want to understand. Also, I understand if you don't want to answer to "out" yourself. I guess I'm curious as to what type of media. I know some people in tv, and they're schedules vary from being great to awful, but I sort of consider this media? Maybe I shouldn't.
[ Reply | Options ]
-
Not sure how true that is. I know people who want to go back to work instead of staying home and I know people who want to SAH instead of work. It's more about personal preference. I HATED working and wanted nothing more than to SAH and if asked I would not return to the job market unless financial reasons occurred.I have never let people's comments about being a SAHM get to me though b/c I know I am doing the right thing for my dd.
[ Reply | Options ]OP: I agree that some women do want to do FT even when their DC are very young and some women have no ambitions outside the home and want to raise kids then just volunteer or whatever after the kids go to college. But aren't these women the minority?
[ Reply | Options ]-
I think there are things you can control. For example, I left management consulting to go into government because I knew that I couldn't keep up with the hours and the travelling. Now I'm on government and my job has flexibility.
[ Reply | Options ]That is great that you had an option that worked for you. My career and degree are all based around my current profession (which is in film) and it is pretty much an all or nothing job. I don't really have another career path option. The p/t doesn't exist. I could find a job to do p/t i am sure but that is not the same thing as my career that i have been cultivating for years now. I am sure other women have the same problem - and that is the situation that is unfortunate.
[ Reply | Options ]
-
Is it the right thing for your dd? Or is it because you "HATED working and wanted nothing more than to SAH?"
[ Reply | Options ]More so because it is what is best for my dd. My dh and I both agreed that it was more beneficial. I had done studies about which was more beneficial before I had kids and found many on-line studies that proved that staying home was the best thing. Plus, my mom SAH and I loved it that she was home with me.
[ Reply | Options ]If your research had indicated it was better for a child to have two working parents, especially when school age, would you have considered continuing the work.
[ Reply | Options ]Honestly, when she was school age I would have worked if it said that was best. My research showed that most teenagers who commit suicide have 2 working parents (especially moms) because they are never around or too stressed after work to listen to them. Teenagers have higher rates of doing drugs, alcohol, and getting addicted to online porn if their parents both work and they have free reign of the house and can roam the neighborhood while parents don't know where they are. Recently met a mom who had to SAH and quit her job because her teenage dd was falling in with the wrong crowd.
[ Reply | Options ]
np: while yes, there are women who want nothing more than to SAH with their kids and who were thrilled to leave their jobs. but i have to say, i think that very few women like the idea that if they should ever want (or need) to return to the workforce in a meaningful way (a career, a decent income, etc.) it will be extremely difficult. one might hate working in her 30s, but that's very different than suddenly finding oneself say a widow in her 50s, w grown children and not a lot to do with herself. even if one didn't need the money, she may determine she "needs" other aspects of having a career - a new identity, a new community, goals, etc.
[ Reply | Options ]Not always. I don't 'need' a job to feel fulfilled or have an identity. Of course if I ever needed to work I would but honestly I will probably have to work once my kids are grown and out of the house. However, I do not have any plan to re-enter the work force, my #1 priority is to my child(ren) right now and my career comes last to their happiness and well-being.
[ Reply | Options ]sure, you may not in your current life NEED a job or career to feel fulfilled or to have an identity or to keep yourself busy. but there are many women who at a later time in their lives, DO need this bc there's not a lot else. i work in financial planning and i see a lot of empty nest couples and divorced/widowed women where the woman SAH and after the kids are gone, even when there is no financial need, there is often a lot of time/energy that is left wo purpose and many of them want to return to working and are often frustrated with the barriers to re-entry for a 55yo who hasn't worked in a decade or 2. My point was simply that this notion that most SAHM choose to SAH forever and never ever want to go back to work is probably not accu...
[ Reply | Options ]What makes you think a child's happiness and well-being is at stake because his/her mom works? As you say, you don't need a job to feel fulfilled or to have an identify ... however seems to me that you are using your children to fuel your sense of identity and feeling fulfilled. My point? Please don't assume that a woman who chooses to have a career is doing so because without it she has no sense of self. If you replace the word career with the word children you will see how ludicrous your logic is.
[ Reply | Options ]
I agree with what you're saying but for some people it is a choice. I choose to work, and I "paid my dues" so now I can just tread water and leave at 5. It works for me.
[ Reply | Options ]For most of us, it isn't really a choice. Yes, I could SAH, and eventually the bank would take our house away, and we wouldn't have any health insurance. "SAH" for us would eventually mean "stay in whatever homeless shelter we could find." Perhaps i could homeschool from the shelter.
[ Reply | Options ]
You want the government to tell companies they MUST let moms work at home or that they should be able to go from ft to pt and back to ft?!? That's insane.
[ Reply | Options ]-
OP: If you're thinking about the repercussions for businesses, it seems like flex working is a workable model. Isn't it more efficient to keep the same employers than have to hire and fire someone (because you keep telling the new mothers that it's all or nothing)?
[ Reply | Options ]-
OP: I'm the furthest thing from an economist, but aren't there things (like job structuring) that the market doesn't create because there's no incentive to do so, but wouldn't necessarily hurt the market?
[ Reply | Options ]You said it would be more efficient- if that were true, the market would have created it.
[ Reply | Options ]OP: Okay, let's say "equally efficient" or "differently efficient" then. I wonder if there have been studies on that question, comparing two similar economies, one which has an institutionalized part-time option (like Germany) and one that doesn't.
[ Reply | Options ]-
OP: No. At the risk of allowing you to dismiss me as a starry-eyed idealist, I'm an academic! But couldn't it be a huge drag on a company's productivity to be constantly recruiting, interviewing, and training people when they could instead reformat the positions their employees occupy and keep the same employees?
[ Reply | Options ]
-
Not if the employee you are keeping can only work PT or WAH, in which case you're probably better off hiring someone new.
[ Reply | Options ]
-
You're making it sound too dogmatic. Companies are actually losing valuable resources because they're not advanced enough to try to find flexible arrangements for very valuable female employees who leave the workforce due to "all or nothing" work options.
[ Reply | Options ]Completely agree. There have even been articles about job sharing situations where the job sharers are men (gasp), and it has worked out very well. From a productivity perspective, when two people share one job in a successful job share they can be more productive (less time away from work, more output) than one full time individual.
[ Reply | Options ]
-
-
-
ITA. I am from Germany and there it is very easy to go PT. Germany is doing very well so it doesn't seem to hurt after all. Here it's all or nothing. I was in I banking and had to quit because my boss made snide remarks every night when I left at 7pm (Oh, you are leaving early today). So annoying. The truth was I didn't order dinner and spend 1hr eating it, I didn't surf the internet etc. I just tried to be efficient and get out. So now I am at home, trying to find a more quiet job.
[ Reply | Options ]I agree with the general premise, but I think this is something that has to happen bottom-up (an increasing percentage of employees requesting these options) rather than top-down (government intervention). And it can't be viewed as a women's/mother's issue or even a working parents issue - it will have to be something that a broad spectrum of employees decide they value and want to negotiate for.
[ Reply | Options ]maybe this will change. For example, I think the reason so few jobs allow working at home (mine doesn't, even though 99% of what I do can be done anywhere) is because the people in charge are old-school and don't think that way. As my generation moves into these positions, maybe it will be more available to have part time jobs or job sharing. I'm hopeful at least, though I won't benefit from it.
[ Reply | Options ]np: nah, i think supervisors don't like the idea that they aren't able to oversee someone very carefully when they WAH. in a job that is very product oriented (say you're an editor) it's easy to see that someone is working, but in a job that is not, it's much harder and people expect people to slack off when "no one is looking". supervisors also like their staffs to be available for in person meetings at a moments notice.
[ Reply | Options ]NP: This is definitely not true where I work (a global corporation). People report to people that work in different cities (or even countries) than they do. Even people that work in the same city are scattered in offices all over the place. 95% of our work gets done by phone or email. If you haven't figured out how to manage people remotely, you wouldn't be able to manage at all.
[ Reply | Options ]I WAH and if I slack off I don't get the job done. I charge by the hour and submit detailed time logs which get questioned if they are way over estimate. My employer is happy b/c the work is done, he doesn't have to provide me with an office, and if he needs to talk he has dedicated VOIP phone lines to each of his employees. Our meetings are all very short and to the point because it's in our interest to finish our work asap so we can get on with the other parts of our lives. I'm in IT/web development.
[ Reply | Options ]
Please ... our government should require ...? Get real and stop whining. Everything is a compromise, either you are willing to make the compromises required and live with the consequences or not. Nothing is perfect, there is an upside and downside to everything. Women like you make me crazy. The fact is many, many companies are doing exactly what you are asking for. I suspect you are a SAHM who does not want to go back to work and is unwilling to admit it ... to yourself or to others.
[ Reply | Options ]OP: No, I'm not a SAHM, I'm a professor. I think certain things should be rights and I'm guessing that you think they should be privileges. I think women should have a right to have both kids and a career. I think parents should have a right to not be discriminated against at work (not be taken seriously because they want to be with their kids in the early years). My guess is that you don't think these are rights?
[ Reply | Options ]-
OP: Of course men should have this right. The problem is that the way our society works now, men DO have the right to kids and a career - because it's assumed that the mothers will do more of the childcare stuff. This is borne out by statistics on which parent does what around the house, with kids, etc. Not in every family, but in most families.
[ Reply | Options ]Men and women have the rights to children and a career. When you position the desire for more time at home with children to be a uniquely female concern, you reinforce the stereotype that women have the primary obligation to their children's day-to-day life and men have the primary obligation to provide.
[ Reply | Options ]OP: As you can see in my original post, I said that PARENTS should be able to be interested in family and career. The reason I'm talking specifically about women here is because women direct too much energy and guilt towards each other and themselves RE parenting/work choices. Instead of guilt tripping ourselves or others, we should demand better choices.
[ Reply | Options ]NP: Honestly, if you want to make any progress on this issue, you should focus on men, not women. If you convince a reasonable % of men that they want to work PT, WAH, have flex-time, for ANY purpose (spending time with their kids, travel, golf, whatever) the world will change really, really fast. But as long as we frame this as a women's/mother's issue, nothing ever will. Sad, but true.
[ Reply | Options ]OP: This post is a reaction to all the SAH/WOH bickering on this site. My point is that it's a false argument because the premise is false. And of course I have an agenda! I want women to have the same rights and opportunities as men. This includes getting to have a family and a career.
[ Reply | Options ]It's not any easier for a man to be "family oriented and professionally ambitious" than it is for a woman. It's just that women typically sacrifice career for family, while men typically sacrifice family for career. Unless you're saying "women should be able to work hard, neglect their kids and not feel guilty about it, just like men do", there's some work to be done on the male side also.
[ Reply | Options ]
[-]Top baby names of the US upper class: 1. CHARLOTTE 2. SERAPHINA 3. OLIVIA 4. ELIZABETH 5. LUCY 6. ISLA 7. VIOLET 8. SOPHIA 9. ALICE 10. MAISIE 11. AVA 12. SCARLETT 13. LAURA 14. CAROLINE 15. GRACE 16. CLAIRE 17. LILY 18. AMELIA 19. IMOGEN 20. HARPER 21. ELLA 22. MATILDA 23. STELLA 24. JANE 25. EMMA Boys: 1. HENRY 2. FINN 3. OLIVER 4. JAMES 5. ASHER 6. JACK 7. JASPER 8. MAX 9. KAI 10. ATTICUS 11. LIAM 12. JUDE 13. FELIX 14. OWEN 15. QUINN 16. NOAH 17. MICHAEL 18. MILO 19. SAWYER 20. PHINEAS 21. WILLIAM 22. HARPER 23. LEO 24. AUDEN 25. SILAS
89 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]-
I posted too soon, meant to add the article I was referring to, entitled "The Elite's top 50 Baby Names" http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2010-03-10/the-elites-top-50-baby-names/?cid=bsa:moreauthor1
[ Reply | Options ]This is hilarious, I am a preschool teacher in Brooklyn and I have students with almost everyone of these names!! I would say it's more urban/creative/educated then necessarily wealth related however.
[ Reply | Options ]-
-
-
Wow, I must say this is uncanny. My DD's name is on here along with several of her classmates. They even picked up on some of the more creative underground type of names like Imogen and Phineas...
[ Reply | Options ]Where did you find this? This is so true! My daughter is Imogen, my BF just named her DD Matilda and we have neighbors with DS'
[ Reply | Options ]-
So funny how you think you are operating in a vacum when you name your child and then in the end you are right in the sweet spot of trendy...we named our DD Imogen last year and have never heard it on another child (yet!) we live in Brooklyn. I guess I should have gone with Ursula!
[ Reply | Options ]-
-
weird. many of the names in my umc set are not on here: ella, ava, sophie, lily for girls. max, oscar, ben, sam, charlie for boys. i don't know a single seraphina and the only lauras i know are 40 years old. i know amelies, no little amelias. no maisies. no harpers (too trashy). i know no kais. no audens. only one silas. sawyer is too trashy for my set and i don't know a single atticul or phineas.
[ Reply | Options ]Who cares? What have "the elite" ever done for you? Be your own person, for heaven's sake!
[ Reply | Options ]The point here - the reason everyone is reacting with surprise - is not because they want to follow the hipsters or the elite or whomever. It's because they have been unknowingly giving these elitist or hip names to their kids. And when I say they, I mean me. Sigh. Should have gone with Jennifer.
[ Reply | Options ]
Isn't this just a list of the top 25 trendy names for boys and girls? I wouldn't say these are the names of the UC. I am on a birth board on Baby Center (shudder, I know, but it's addicting) and every single one of the girls names is the name of a girl born in 2006 on our board. Out of 70 women, there are 6 Sophia/Sophie, 3 Ava, 2 Grace, 3 Olivia, 1 Amelia, 1 Imogen, 2 Harper, 2 Ella/Elle. As for the boys, we have 6 Henry, 1 Finn, 1 Oliver, 2 Asher, 1 Kai, 1 Liam, 1 Noah and 2 William. I wouldn't say that Baby Center is UC, mostly a bunch of middle america strivers. These are all the names used commonly on the Pottery Barn Kids site too.
[ Reply | Options ]I am Jewish and named my DD Serafina. I didn't know WASPs used that name. Strange. Otherwise, this list looks like a trend list of the early 2000s.
[ Reply | Options ]-
-
-
So funny! I have friends whose kids have many of these names...we went with Rose for our DD and are happy to see it is not rising in popularity.
[ Reply | Options ]-
-
This is not too far off. Though some of these names seem more "Bobo" then necessarily upper class...I guess to be an outlier now you need to name your kid Jenny or Julie.
[ Reply | Options ]Wow, that's the first time I've ever seen "bobo" used in a non-specialized context. I thought people just said "hipster" in normal conversation.
[ Reply | Options ]did you read "Bobos In Paradise?" Hilarious, though I'm not a huge fan of David Brooks.
[ Reply | Options ]The funny thing is that it's an English neologism that people don't use in English, but they do in French (obviously it works just as well, since bohemian and bourgeois begin with the same letters in French, too). I prefer it to hipster because I think hipster is associated with single people, whereas the bobo can be single or married with kids.
[ Reply | Options ]
-
-
[-]What % of HH income do you spend during the year? In other words, what % are you able to save? We spend about 35% of our gross income but that is 65% of our net income. It shocks me how much we spend- just wondering how others do. (2 toddler DCs at home, 3br rental on UWS, full time nanny).
6 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]-
Hard to say but this is what I think we generally do... We make $210k but then I usually get a bonus between $20-40k every year and we save all of it. I max out my 401k, so that's roughly $16k, but pre-tax income. We try to save at least $2k per month, too. So keeping in mind that these nubmers are not precise, and some are before/after tax, I would put the total yearly amount at about $50k, conservatively. We have two children, DH stays at home, 2-bdrm rental in Brooklyn.
[ Reply | Options ]depends a lot on bonuses but in years where we are paid well, we save about 50% of our gross. In moderately good years, we save around 25-30% of gross. If we got really boned (and it hasn't happened yet, knock wood), we would only ensure we saved our bare minimum threshold ie) maxing out our 401ks, putting $10k into each of our 3 DCs 529s, and maybe $50k into retirement savings
[ Reply | Options ]
-
For women like me - womanly-figure/always fighting with your weight/size 8 - 10ish- how long did it take to get your figure back to acceptable after giving birth to DC #2? I feel disgusting and huuuge. Went from Pg clothes to 14 and 12; some 10s now but still feel huge. Nothing fits right and the scale is crazy I am so heavy. HELP.
[ Reply | Watch | Options ]
[-]I was totally turned off by most aspects of the private school process. Aside from one school which we really loved, we are not following up with any of the others. I just don't see what the point is in spending 30K+ when we are zoned for a great public. Any one else feel this way?
40 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]hell, I'm NOT zoned for a great public and I gave up on all but 2 privates. for 35k they better be PERFECT. and they weren't.
[ Reply | Options ]OP: Okay so I am not the only one. Most think I am crazy for dinging the schools before they ding ds by not following up, not attending January events and not caring at all but I was totally unimpressed.
[ Reply | Options ]you're not dinging ds. the schools don't really care if show up to the January events.
[ Reply | Options ]The January events KILL me. Does anyone really want to spend their Saturday listening to a panel at Allen Stevenson after all the blood, sweat, tears and money that are shed during the interview process. I really HATE these places just for asking.
[ Reply | Options ]Allen Stevenson's made me sick they act like everyone in the world wants to go there meanwhile we are all there as a back up rolling our eyes. I thought it was funny when they said their big rival is Buckley but my Buckley mom friend said AS wasn't even on their radar.
[ Reply | Options ]Allen Stevenson was at the top of our list. Although Buckley is a fine school, we preferred A-S. No other school balanced academics, athletics and arts as well. Being a top placer into Trinity is icing on the cake. We take our sons education very seriously so we welcomed the chance to get more information at the January event. To each his own, I suppose.
[ Reply | Options ]
I was actually really UNhappy with many of them that I thought I would love. the philosophy seemed so right on in the literature, but it didn't seem that they actually used it (or understood how to use it) in practice. and they were snotty--not even just the top tier ones. what's the point?
[ Reply | Options ]I posted below and people thought we were crazy too (and some thought dc must have had terrible scores which was not the case)
[ Reply | Options ]what does your zoned public offer (in terms of classes, vibe, etc.) that the privates you looked at doesn't? Unfortunately, our zoned public is bad AND private would be a big stretch.
[ Reply | Options ]-
OP: We are zoned for PS 6. DH and I both come from solid middle/working class backgrounds and both of us just felt that the sense of snobbery and entitlement at many of these places was just so absurd that we really didn't want any part of it for our son or for us. The only thing that the lower key schools could offer was a smaller class size and I am just not shelling out that kind of money for one thing.
[ Reply | Options ]-
-
you are me! Our dc is now in 3rd at great zoned public and we are happy. Will revisit for middle school.
[ Reply | Options ]This is my first experience with privates and I can assure you I expected the worst with respect to all the negative stereotypes. Not there yet, and obviously haven't been accepted to any schools, but i was actually very impressed with a handful of schools. I'm not sure its ultimately worth $35k annually (and going up) over the next 13 years, but the schools, faculty and administration I think make a very strong case for the money. Perhaps there is still a lot of BS to deal with once you add the parents, but this process (as painful as it has been at times) has not turned me off.
[ Reply | Options ]
[-]nyc moms with children in TT schools - where did your child attend pre-school and how important do you think pre-school was in your child's acceptance to the TT school?
2 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]-
[-]Do people really consider themselves "upper class" and the "elite"? So bizarre to me.
10 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]'Upper class' is purely descriptive - it's income level. And, imo, it has no correspondence to grace, dignity, or nobility - those are attitudes.
[ Reply | Options ]
[-]where should I get a couple who just got married a gift certificate? (they eloped and are not registering anywhere)...Williams-Sonoma? Macy's Cellar? Gracious Homes? don't want to give cash
3 replies [ Reply | Watch | Options ]
Most Watched Posts
- is psychic mom on?
- NYC Public school teacher here. Any questions?
- what is the best elementary public school in New York (Manhattan or Brooklyn); we wil...
- This is a question for SAHM anxious to place DD in TT schools -- what's the point exa...
Most Popular Topics
- The SAHM/WOHM debate is a false debate because it's a false choice - how many women d...
- As of March 18, 2010 what is your first grader's current reading level (official by s...
- Moms of ADHD, oppositional defiance disorder, help. I just can't figure out what tri...
- If 15yo DD wants to have sex with boyfriend and asked for help with birth control, wo...
- Ahh. Mothers on the UES are so toxic. It's so competitive. Hate it, hate it, hate ...
- We make good money but are still surprised that everyone in our dd's school (private)...
- our elementary school has an open school policy, meaning you can drop off and pick up...
- How much money do you have in savings (not including retirement accounts)? Just curio...
UrbanBaby Asks...
Are you expecting something special from your dh for Valentine's Day?
- Yes, and he's in big trouble if he forgets.
- Yes, but it's not something I care about.
- No, thank goodness.
- No, and I'm already fuming. He's so unromantic!
- Don't know...
Already voted? View Results
Flashback
UB Like it's 1776!
Posted September 13, 2007(191 replies)
More reminiscing about laughs on UrbanBaby »
The Kid's Menu
Video: Cooking With Grandma Gigi
Granddaughter Olivia helps make plantation casserole...
Also:Lunchbox Recipes
School Lunch Obsessive (video)
Make your Own Baby Food
Baby Food Taste-Off
Is it wrong to ask minors to mix martinis?
Can you tell a pregnant boozer to stop?
